Headlines Question How They Will Lose All That Additional Weight
Once the Quarantine is Over

Given Enough Time, One For Every Human Being

"How many killers are out there?" - Toronto Star

 In Some Models
If You're Seriously Considering A Different Actuality, Go For One With Fine Corinthian Leather

"Is reality optional?" - Toronto Sun

...

"Why do women on dating sites ghost me?" - Toronto Star

Not To My Wounds, There Isn't

"Is there a difference between salts?" - Globe and Mail

How Many Have You Got?

"'How many deaths does it take?'" - Toronto Star

Plan A Trip To Chernobyl (Or, For Those On A Budget, Three Mile Island)

"How can I fake a glow, even if only my cats will see it?" - Globe and Mail

It Depends How Long It's Been Since A Complete Stranger Sent You A Sneeze Emoji Over It

"LIFE UNDER CORONAVIRUS
Can you get COVID-19 by touching your phone?" - Toronto Star

Closed Minded Bankers

"Who's afraid of open banking?" - Globe and Mail

When Bandaid Solutions Stop Being So Easy

"When will our leaders learn cuts don't improve health care?" - Toronto Star

Whisper Sweet Nothings Into Each Other's Modems

"What can employers and employees do during a coronavirus outbreak?" - Globe and Mail

Trying To Fit Us All Into My Basement Would Seem To Go Against Safe Distancing Rules

"We say we're all in this together, but are we?" - Toronto Star

Ah, The Eternal Question...

"Where do we go from here?" - Globe and Mail

It Collided With The "Donor Calls The Shots" Principle, With Disastrous Results

"What happened to the 'polluter pays' principle?" - Toronto Star

Sure, Just Be Careful Not To Give Them The Ones Covering Your Years Of living "Friskily"

"DO I REALLY WANT MY KIDS TO READ MY OLD DIARIES?" - Globe and Mail

Starting A Family

"What's on your solo bucket list?" - Toronto Star

Not If The Language Police Get Wind Of Its African Origins

"Montreal has its mojo back, but will it last?" - Globe and Mail

 Would You Please Rephrase The Question?
There Are Already Enough Crazies Who Think Public Education Is A Communist Indoctrination System!

"Are marks really the goal of education?" - Toronto Star

If How Badly They Work In Person Is Any Indication...

"Can U.S. lawmakers work around working remotely?" - Globe and Mail

I'm Guessing Siri...

"Mom may chuck the Chromebook out window
And just whose idea was it to enrol the three kids in French immersion?" - Toronto Star

 Absolutely!
For One Thing, Funeral Homes Will Have To Be Bigger

"The COVID City: Disease shaped architecture in the 20th century. Will it do that again?" - Globe and Mail

You Know What They Say: You Can Put Lipstick On A Gas Hog, But That Doesn't Mean You'll Want To Kiss Its Tailpipe

"Kickin' tires here: Is he a new Ford or same old model?" - Toronto Star

 1. Close Your Eyes And Hope The Date Your Finger Lands On Wasn't Some Time Last Month
2. Hopefully Before You Coin Your Next Neologism

"What is Canada's strategy for Pandexit and when will the lockdowns end?" - Globe and Mail

He Makes Them Laugh

"Why are Americans so servile to a clown?" - Toronto Star

I Don't Think My Cardiologist Will Appreciate The Argument That I Put On All That Weight To Help The Economy During The Coronavirus Crisis

"Can't we find a way to help farmers alleviate food waste?" - Toronto Star

 When Did "Normal Life" Become "Quarantine Anarchy?"
(And Does Anybody Have A Time Machine I Can Borrow To Go Back To Before That Moment To Choose A Different Timeline?)

"Does 'a beer in the driveway' give way to quarantine anarchy?" - Globe and Mail

A Five Thousand Course Feast That Lasted Several Years

"If you could choose, what would your last meal be?" - Toronto Star

 By All Means, Denounce Inclusiveness As A Liberal Thing
Of Course, Representing A Majority Of Canadians Is A Liberal Thing, Too

"Tory leadership race faces old questions in a new world
How far should party go in policing its own fringes? Denounce them, shut them down - or claim that doing so is a Liberal thing?" - Globe and Mail

I'm Not Partial To The Funeral Shroud

"Which of these face coverings is right for you?" - Toronto Star

The Law Of Conservation Of Crazy/Energy

"Why are Tories running an ordinary race in these extraordinary times?" - Globe and Mail

Make Sure You're Set To Audio Only

"How can I look good on Zoom? - Toronto Star