Some Headlines! Some Headlines! My kingdom for Some Headli - Oh, There They Are...

Wanted To Know What It Was Like To Live In Florida

"Man dies in shark attack in Western Australia" - Toronto Star

The Election Will Soon Be Over - If Only They Had Waited...

"Overdose Deaths Are On the rise in the U.S." - New York Times

Notice That Arguing About The Oxford Comma Did Not Make The List

"In these tense times, managing your anxiety is more vital than ever
Distraction through singing, dancing, laughter and activity good for us" - Toronto Star

Trump Got It Half Right...

"KOSOVO
President quits, denies crimes" - Toronto Star

 Absolutely Not!
They Should Leave It To Movie Stars!

"No star athlete should be leading a political debate" - Globe and Mail

What Is "Silly Hyperbole," Alex?

"'Jeopardy!' has never mattered more than it does now" - Toronto Star

Too Bad You Don't Have Any

"Yes, it's OK to use cash again" - Toronto Star

 306 To 232, And Six Million More Popular Votes
But Who's Counting?

"WHAT LANDSLIDE?
Pundits quick to backtrack as election takes similar track to 2016" - Toronto Sun

Trump Got It Half Right...

"KOSOVO
President quits, denies crimes" - Toronto Star

 Nine Out Of Ten Journalists Agree: The Last Two Thousand Years Of Philosophy Are Irrelevant
(The Tenth Smugly Comments: "I Could Have Told You That!")

"Only the Truth Can Save the U.S." - New York Times

 "Rely on truth as a remedy to 'informational chaos'" - Toronto Star

Soon To Be Former President Asks Top Aides To Figure Out A Way That He Can Choose Them

"Trump's last-stand tactics appall retired Canadian judges" - Globe and Mail

That's Good To Kno - Wait, I'm In My 60s. How Many Evens Would It Take For Me To Find Love?

"It's never too late to find love, even in your 40s" - Toronto Star

If The Binders Are Piled Just Right, Nobody Will Notice The People Who Wrote What's In Them

"Pollsters stand behind their research" - Toronto Star

Although Hillary Clinton's Drinking The Blood OF Babies May Also Have Had Something To Do With It...

"Reguly: Latest election proves Trump's anti-globalization calls still resonate with millions" - Globe and Mail

Look For It In The Humour Section

"Calling bookstores an essential service is pure fiction" - Toronto Star

So, In A Sense, Trump DID Build His Wall

"U.S. isn't polarized - it's partitioned" - Toronto Star

A Lot Of Ontarians Planning To Leave A Beautiful Corpse

"PUMPED UP!
Gyms, restos to reopen in most hot spots under new system" - Toronto Sun

Divorce Lawyers Rubbing Their Hands In Glee

"Americans still married to the idea of democracy" - Toronto Star

If They Work, Right Wing Pundits Will Be Too Dispirited To Pund

"How Trudeau's relief includes harmful work disincentives" - Toronto Sun

They Are Less Likely To Feed Paranoia

"Pot shares rebound after election" - Toronto Star

Fortunately, Now They Will Be Able To Afford Umbrellas

"Hypocrisy never sleeps
Crocodile tears accompany more cash for the homeless" - Toronto Sun

Beersicles!

"Want to help bars and restaurants? Freeze beer tax" - Toronto Star

 What, No Pitchforks And Torches?
That's Not Much Of A Revolution, You Ask Me...

"This CEO wants to see a financial revolution
Founder, head of Wealthsimple says industry should make its products easier to understand" - Toronto Star

As Opposed To O'Toole, Who Sees Pandemic As A Favourable Circumstance

"Trudeau sees pandemic as an 'opportunity'"
- Toronto Sun

I Thought Amazon WAS The Future!

"Spat between Amazon, Future heats up" - Toronto Star

Or, Headline Writers Could Be On Crack

"Biden win could clear the air on Canada-U.S. climate fight" - Toronto Star

 "Canadians could be facing a long winter" - Toronto Star

 "Deficit: Experts say there could still be liabilities lurking in Ottawa's pension duties" - Globe and Mail

 "Corporate America worries WeChat ban could be bad for business" - Toronto Star

 "Disney investors could look Goofy soon-to-beStreaming service's growth could slow as children return to school" - Toronto Star

 "'IF WE BURN, YOU BURN WITH US
Beijing's new national-security law has forced Hong Kong's pro-democracy movement into a corner. An urgent reckoning is due - and it could cause protesters' defence of their in-between city to become something dangerous" - Globe and Mail

 "Closing schools for pandemic could have long-term effects" - Toronto Star

 "Reopening Ontario schools could be a deadly mistake" - Toronto Star

 "Ginsburg's death could ignite a political firestorm" - Globe and Mail

 "Measures could continue beyond state of emergency" - Toronto Star

 "Erin O'Toole could win the Conservative leadership race" - Toronto Star

 "Canadians could be left waiting for a vaccine" - Globe and Mail

 "Report shows how basic income could help in COVID-19 recovery
Virus has 'put spotlight on weaknesses in our system,' advocate group says" - Toronto Star

 "Second wave of COVID could be worse than first: Research" - Toronto Sun

 "Why Netanyahu's land grab could backfire" - Toronto Star

 "Liberals, NDP accuse Tories of skirting election laws
Toronto developer says he is promoting conservative causes, but parties say Conservatives could be using him to circumvent campaign finance rules" - Globe and Mail

 "Fitting your child's RESP into your investing goals
By the time your toddler is old enough for university, a degree could cost $100,000" - Toronto Star

 "Bill could limit health care access: experts
Proposed Alberta law would let doctors refuse services on moral grounds" - Toronto Star

 "No joke: The next PQ leader could be a comedian" - Globe and Mail

 "Trump's attacks on WHO could backfire" - Toronto Star

 "Enbridge could be a good pick amid market meltdown" - Globe and Mail

 "Purdue pleas could bolster opioid suit" - Toronto Star

 "If Canada procures a vaccine later than other countries, the fallout could bring down the government" - Globe and Mail

Fortunately, The Government Always Keeps It Well Stocked With Slops

"Auto industry has hit trough from crisis, Linamar CEO says" - Toronto Star

And The Dating Bar Just Keeps Getting Lower...

"He was handsome, honest and not a murderer" - Toronto Star

He Didn't Even Have The Decency To Let Us Watch Him Fry - The Bastard!

"Accused dies hours before guilty verdict" - Toronto Sun

Life Imitates Art...To Diminishing Comic Effect

"'Schitt's Creek' motel for sale for $2M" - Toronto Star

Unfortunately, It's An All Holds Barred Match

"Canadians wrestle with holiday plans" - Toronto Star

The Tenth Journalist Strikes Again!

"Criticism of The Crown highlights the modern fetishization of truth" - Globe and Mail

As Long As They Catch Environmentalists' Drift...

"Maritime industry can help us reach net zero by 2050" - Toronto Star

Three Dimensional Go Fish Not As Impressive As Politicians Think

"This is not the time for political games in Ottawa" - Toronto Star