Headlines Couldn't Pass the Don't Ask, Don't Smell Test

* GROAN *! I Barely Understand THIS Universe, And You Want Me To Move To Another One‽

"Are you missing out on the metaverse?" - Toronto Star

It All Began When Peter Parker Asked For Doctor Strange's Help To Turn Back Time To Stop The Outing Of His Secret Identity

"How did Ford and labour leaders become BFFs?" - Toronto Star

They Mistook It For A Performance Piece

"An argument and a thud
How did no one notice the murder of popular University of Toronto art professor David Buller?" - Toronto Star

Party Unity

"Why are Tories privately slagging O'Toole?" - Toronto Star

Because Turning Their Users Toxis Is What They've Built Their Economic Models On

"Why blame social media for its toxic users' activity?" - Toronto Star

That Depends: Has Your Time Machine Been Repossessed?

"Will care services be there when we need them?" - Toronto Star

Chris Hemsworth As Bloated Thor

"What Will Success Look Like in Glasgow?" - New York Times

What Have I Always Said About False Choices?

"Ideology, or criminal negligence?" - Toronto Star

When Optimism Dies, You Kick The Can Down The Road

"Can my children hang with their friends?" - Toronto Star

"Can Ontario's Liberals go from third to first in 2022?" - Toronto Star

"Can you build a country with no dominant identity?" - Toronto Star

"Can Magic Mushrooms Heal Us?" - New York Times

"Can Trudeau make global mark with carbon pricing initiative?" - Toronto Star

"Can Yorkville revive its musical past?" - Toronto Star

"Can travel ban effectively combat variant?" - Toronto Star

"Can PCs' long-term-care proposal deliver?" - Toronto Star

Because The Phrase For Accepting Reality Isn't: "It's Time To Zoom The Music!"

"Why did COP26 conference have to be face to face?" - Toronto Star

Are You Kidding?
After Two Years Of Restrictions, Going To The Corner Grocery Store Feels Like Getting Away!

"Fun in the sun on a post-COVID vacation
After nearly two years of restrictions, can a trip feel like getting away?" - Toronto Star

It Takes My Attention Away From What's Really Important In Life - MY Existence!

"What's wrong with acknowledging someone's existence?" - Toronto Star

No: Crashes And Other Loud Noises Are Forbidden Because They Interfere With Play

"COVID-19 propelled golf to new heights in 2020. Can the sport avoid a crash this year?" - Globe and Mail

How Much Money You Have, Calculated In The Number Of Butterfly Nets You Could Buy With it
Because It Makes About As Much Sense As Any Other Measure

"What is my net worth, and why should I track it?" - Toronto Star

Remove The Buttons From Their Trench Coats

"How do I fix flashers that intermittently fail?" - Toronto Star

Oh, Come On! My Ass Isn't THAT Big!

"Whatcha gonna do with all that junk?" - Toronto Star

ANTIFA
Hard To Know Who Was The More Surprised

"Who speaks for Rogers's minority shareholders?" - Toronto Star

I Knew The Monarchy Had Diminished Over The Last Few Decades, But I Had No Idea...

"What's up with the rundown tiny castle?" - Toronto Star

I Believe Many Americans Believe In Ghosts, But That Was, Uhh, Not The Question, Was It?

"Many Americans believe in ghosts. Do you?" - Toronto Star

Watch The Deluxe Box Set Director's Cut Of Green Acres And Take Copious Notes

"How do I dress for city living and my new life on a farm?" - Toronto Star

His Long-standing Concern To Maintain Power

"What sparked Ford's sudden concern for workers?" - Toronto Star

Would You Listen To Anything Bloated Thor Had To Say?

"Message is loud and clear on streets of Glasgow. Will our leaders listen?" - Toronto Star

It Will Be Worth It As Long As They Kill Some Guilty People, Too

"Why allow unsafe drivers to kill innocent people?" - Toronto Star

With Their Chronic Inner Ear Problem? Doubtful...

"Will the Conservatives follow O'Toole's path to balance?" - Globe and Mail

As Long As Nobody Asks How Long This Run Can - Oh Oh

"TSX keeps climbing, but how long can this run last?" - Toronto Star

The Clash Will Get Royalties Either Way

"What will happen if he stays or if he goes?" - Toronto Star

Are Light Bulbs Involved?

"How many municipalities does it take to solve a beeping problem?" - Toronto Star

Not If You're Staring At Their Armpits...

"Can I ask if someone dyed their hair?" - Toronto Star

Is That A Way Of Warning Us To Expect Acrimony At The G20 Summit?

"Can global action, jabs help tackle inflation?" - Toronto Star

Clothes Are Still A Fashion Must

"How do I dress up for parties now?" - Toronto Star

Emotionally Krazy Glue

"What makes women stick with their cheating husbands?" - Toronto Star

It Depends How High Off The Ground The Tightrope Is

"Is work-life balance more talk than walk?" - Toronto Star

Yes - I Clearly Need To Spend Less Time In The Sun

"Are you getting too many vitamins?" - Toronto Star