"...make sure you pay for the music you listen to, okay?"
"Does that mean we're going to an all talk format, Dick?"
"Of course not, Dick."
"But, our listeners don't pay for the music we play. So, if you think people should pay for the music they listen to, logically..."
"Dick! This is morning radio! This is where logic goes to weep so much it dies of dehydration!"
"Now that you mention it, I do feel a little parched."
"You know where the office coffeemaker is."
"Yeah, but I could never get the hang of using those little packets, so when I get thirsty I usually just chug the contents dry. Surprisingly, that only makes my thirst worse.""Okay. You're listening to 95 point two two, C-DIK, Big Dick Radio. I'm Jean-Claude 'von Dick' De-La-Skibol..."
"And, I'm Reginald 'Dick' Kefauver."
"And, this is a commercial..."
"Hi, Joe. You look a little down."
"I should, Joan. My big toe fell off."
"Oh. Was it serious?"
"Other than a little balancing issue, not really."
"Yes, really. Joe suffered from a particularly nasty toenail fungus infection."
"So, I guess bowling is out for you, eh, Joe?"
"Oh, no, Joan. I think I should be good."
"With your foot constantly sliding within your bowling shoe because you no longer have a big toe to anchor it?"
"I'm telling you: everything will be fine."
"No, everything will not be fine. Monkeys with toenail fungus were 187 per cent less able to grab bananas with their feet than monkeys that didn't have it. Imagine the damage it could do to your personal life!"
"I suppose your dream of becoming a dance instructor will have to be put on hold, right, Joe?"
"Wrong again, Joan."
"But how can you possibly -"
"You know, Joan, I'm beginning to think I should find a friend who is more supportive!"
"Don't let this happen to you. Get Maximum Strength Red Wiggler to take care of all your toenail problems, even the ones that reach your scalp. Especially the ones that reach your scalp!"
"Red Wiggler, the Cadillac of toenail fungus cure. Oh ho! The Cadillac of toenail fungus cure. Hoo ha! The Cadillac of toenail fungus cure."
"My scalp is itchy just thinking about it, Dick. I said - hey, who are you?"
"Martin Skrelp. I'm part of the Core Us Entertainment legal team."
"Can I call you Dick? You know, to avoid confusion?"
"No. And this is 2022 - don't you think you should find a joke that isn't quite so...well travelled?"
"Whoa! Harsh! What happened to Dick?"
"If you're talking about Mister De-La-Skibol, he has been suspended while an external investigation into allegations that he abused female coworkers is being conducted."
"Does this have anything to do with the pen throwing incident with Monica 'Dick' Heatherington?"
"I cannot comment while the investigation is ongoing."
"Or, perhaps, the stapler throwing incident with Heather 'Dick' Santa Monica?"
"I cannot comment while the investigation is ongoing."
"Or, maybe even the chair throwing incident with Rona 'Dick' McHeath?"
"I cannot comment while the investigation is ongoing."
"Because, you know, that was just Dick blowing off steam. Morning drive time radio is a highly competitive environment."
"I cannot comment while the investigation is ongoing...but do you maybe see a pattern emerging, here?"
"We need female on-air personalities who are better at taking a joke? Or ducking flying objects?"
"We need male on-air personalities who don't abuse their female counterparts."
"In morning drive time radio? Good luck with that!""I'm sorry. You just...left me speechless, there."
"What can I say? It's a gift."
"That wasn't a compliment."
"It never is. It never is."
"Look, there are going to have to be some changes to the -"
"And Core Us is going to get away with that?"
"Sho - what?"
"You knew all about the accusations when they were first made."
"No, we most assuredly did no -"
"You gave the women raises to keep them happy. We used to joke about Dick Dollars - if the target of the humour had been any easier, we would have told it to get a room!"
"Core Us Entertainment is in no way responsible for - good Gord, is this going out live‽ Go to a commercial! GO TO A COMMERCIAL!"
"You can't take it with you, so you might as well enjoy it now! Hi, I'm Actyrion Parnassus, President and CEO of Inheritance Go Boom. For many people, their home is their biggest asset. And their pensions aren't enough to allow them to live in the style to which they have become accustomed. And they suspect that their children are just waiting for them to die so they can waste their estate on food and rent. The ungrateful little bastards! If you're in this position, now is the time to consider reverse mortgages..."