What the Heck Did What the Heck Do You Know? Know?
1) What are the three levels of cringe?
a) TikTok, Facebook, AOL
b) Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, Tucker Carlson
c) shake your head in wonder, ball your fists in anger, curl up your body in pain
2) How do I avoid the worst level of cringe?
a) ask yourself, "What would Matt Gaetz do?", then do the opposite
b) ask yourself, "What would Donald Trump do?" then light yourself on fire if you're tempted to actually do it
c) watch the faces of the people around you; if they look like they're smelling something that would disgust a vulture, you've reached maximum cringe. If your reputation survives, never do that again
3) What if my reputation doesn't survive?
a) do that whenever you feel like it (nobody expects better of you, now, so you may as well work it)
b) friends are overrated
c) you'll have a great future in advertising
d) all of the above
4) Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced that all businesses in his state could be open. All of them. Not only that, but he is so over mask mandates. Why would Texas Republicans go along with this?
a) to help Texans get over their fear of death
b) to help Texas businesses get over their fear of death
c) sorry, but to minimize my daily stress levels, my therapist has recommended that I not try to figure out why Republicans decide to do anything that they do
5) In testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee, FBI Director Christopher Wray called the insurrection at the Capitol an act of "domestic terrorism." What would the Republicans on the Committee prefer to call it?
a) the thrillah in vanillah
b) the Second American Revolution (because the first was led by what would now be considered "the swamp," and that has to be corrected)
c) Charlie
6) Why Charlie?
a) Charlotte was too feminine
b) Charles was too formal
c) why not Charlie? It's a fine old name. You got a problem with the name Charlie? If it was good enough for a Bonnie Prince, it's good enough for an insurrection! Elitist swamp snob...
7) Which of the following reasons have orthodox Christians given for not accepting the COVID-19 vaccine?
a) the coronavirus is a hoax
b) the coronavirus may be real, but it's not as bad as we're being told; fear of it is being used to control us and bring about "the great reset"
c) the vaccines will involve genetic identification that will allow our activities to be monitored by a global secular state
d) vaccinations are generally ineffective, and sometimes harmful
e) aborted fetuses are used in the development and manufacture of the vaccines
f) all of the above... * SIGH *
8) The "great reset?" I've never heard of the "great reset." What is the "great reset?"
a) what will happen when newly reelected President Donald Trump makes good on his campaign promise of a HD TV in every home
b) what will happen if all of the pinball machines in America are tilted at exactly the same time
c) I could tell you, but, since it involves economics, it would likely put you to sleep
d) I could tell you, but, since it involves a conspiracy theory about economics, it would likely make your hear explode
9) Who or what is "the Sussex Squad?"
a) the calamari they serve at the Elegant Sea Moose
b) just a couple of crazy, love-struck kids with a dream of a better tamale and too much time on their hands
c) I don't know, but for some reason, now I'm hungry
10) The television show Frasier is about to get a reboot. Who lobbied hard for it?
a) Kelsey Grammar's agent
b) Kelsey Grammar's mother
c) don't look at me: I want them to bring back Andy Richter Saves the Universe
11) What is "hygiene theatre?"
a) Shakespeare in the Park ("Is this a mask I see six feet in front of me?")
b) Beckett in the ER ("I must go." Nobody leaves)
c) virtue signalling for the health care set
12) What is Ontario's "ag gag" law?
a) if you make fun of the province's attorney general, you have to wear a cloth over you mouth for a period of not less than two and no more than six months
b) if you complain about the food that was just delivered to your door, you have to listen to speeches by Premier Ford until you choke
c) less kinky than you might think
13) Who said: "Travel is the best revenge?"
a) nobody ever
b) you, just now
c) nobody involved in the tourist industry. Nope. Not any of them
14) What are the three levels of vaccine envy?
a) first shot, second shoot, boom
b) moon shot, pot shot, zoom
c) hot pot, what ya got, heirloom
15) The pandemic has been hard on all of us, but the newspapers say that we should try to find the positives in it. What is the most positive thing you can find about COVID-19?
a) it's eliminating a lot of people who were pissing in the gene pool
b) it's allowing us to become better acquainted with the paint on the walls of our dens...much better acquainted...like, intimately acquainted...
c) it's helping me put my heart attack into perspective...
16) How can I tell if I'm a vaxhole? What is a "plantfluencer?" What is "cyberchondria?"
a) look in the mirror for puffiness around the eyes, nose or heart; the politically correct term for a plant whisperer; fear of spending your life stuck in Second Life
b) look around the table - if you can't identify the vaxhole, it's you (and, if you can identify a vaxhole, it could still be you - there can be more than one around the table, you know); a proselytizer for a vegan lifestyle; electronic mitochondria
c) if you have to get your head out of your butt to inspect it, you are; somebody who farts green; the stage name of the third most popular drag queen in Second Life
17) When did government agencies publicizing photos of groups of white men to show their diversity stop being funny?
a) 1926
b) 1666
c) some people think the strangest things are funny - if you're not sure if you're one of them, go back over your answers to questions 1) and 2)
18) The Great Replacement sounds like a mid-season television series debut. Can you please, please, please, please, please tell me that that's what it is?
a) that depends: how willing are you to tolerate a lie?
b) on this issue? Lie to me, baby! Lie to me hard!
c) alrighty, then. The Great Replacement is a mid-season television series debut
19) What can hockey tell us about beating COVID?
a) we gotta go out there and give 127%
b) we gotta wanna win it more than the virus does
c) if you can't beat 'em in the alleys, you can't beat 'em in the mass vaccination sites
d) not much, apparently
20) When you told me what the Great Replacement was, you lied, didn't you? I could see it in your eyes. Democracy can't function without a properly informed electorate; it can barely function with one. So, go ahead and tell me: what is the Great Replacement?
a) I lied because you asked me t - okay. The Great Replacement is...what happens when you trade your mate in for a trophy husband
b) the Great Replacements was an alt rock band of the eighties
c) the Great Replacement is a fantasy white nationalists (what were once called white supremacists before everybody became relativists) tell themselves that people who do not have an Anglo-Saxon heritage are replacing those who do in positions of power. This is used as a justification to take from minorities their franchise...and sometimes their lives. There. Happy you asked, now?
i) yes
ii) no
iii) eww, ick
