The Enlightenment had a good run - almost 300 years. But, it was a threat to American values, so it had to be dismantled. No one person could defeat the Enlightenment; it truly was a team effort. This is one of a series of articles celebrating the heroes of the battle for unenlightenment.
His name was Jimmy. Unless it was Jennifer. Or Igor. He/She/Comrade was the hero of the Battle of Social Media.
It was a dirty fight, with fire coming from all directions. Casualties were high on both sides. Then, as if out of nowhere, P@triotsComm@nd012 appeared. (Yes, he/she/Comrade had to come from somewhere, even if it was a 12 year-old's bedroom or a Russian bot factory, but I'm trying to express the drama of P@triotsComm@nd012's appearance in the chaos of the battlefield. This is how history is made interesting for the masses - just go with me on this one, okay?)
Look! Over there! Is that P@triotsComm@nd012 sniping on Twitter: "It's not just a potato. It has eyes. A mouth! An identity! It has become the embodiment of woke culture - smell the coffee, people! First, they come for our children's toys. Then, they come for our guns. Then, they come for our freedom! What do we have to do? Draw a peepee on the potato to prove that it's MISTER Potato Head?! Because, frankly, the cost of a Sharpie is a small price to pay for freedom!"
But, wait! Over there! No, to the right. A little bit more. A little bit mo - okay, now you've gone too far. Back to the left a bi - there! Can that be P@triotsComm@nd012 sniping on Facebook: "We know Donald Trump won the election. Won it by a landslide! He easily won 99% of the vote, making him the most popular president in the history of American history! So, how come Joe Biden was handed the presidency? Because the Pentagon used alien spy tech to change enough of the votes to make it look like Biden won by - I won't even dignify the theft by saying how many - million votes! STOP THE ALIEN STEAL!"
How could he/she/Comrade be in two places at once? That sort of activity wasn't human! (Which lends credence to the whole Russian bot theory, although the multiple messages could just have been scheduled in advance by a good old-fashioned American human being, but where would the romance in that be?)
It wasn't just two messages. If you look over there - where I'm pointing! Over - over - is that where I'm pointing?! Seriously, follow a line from my finger to - yes! Yes, there! Could it possibly be P@triotsComm@nd012 sniping on Instagram: "COVID-19 doesn't exist! But, if it does, getting it is no worse than getting the flu. But, in case it is, you catch it from wearing masks! In its basic state, the COVID virus is harmless. But, when you wear a mask, the virus multiplies, getting stronger until it reaches a tipping point and causes you to dead. Don't be fooled by scientists with their common-sense explanations, people - MASKS KILL!!!!"
And, over there. There! Behind the grape shed! P@trio - what? You say that's a bike shed? How can you tell what kind of a shed it i - IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT KIND OF A SHED IT IS! Behind it, P@triotsComm@nd012 sniped on Tik Tok: "Things are bad. Really bad. How bad? Like, Olympic-sized pool bad! European-sized hockey rink bad! George Soros-sized ego bad! It's gotten so bad, you can't even speak a simple truth like slavery was the best idea the Founding Fathers ever had without being griefed to within an inch of your life! I tell you: white folks are the real victims!"
The forces of Enlightenment were ill-prepared for this barrage, which forced them to go into a defensive posture. The problem for them, though, was that as soon as they got a fix on P@triotsComm@nd012's position, he/she/Comrade had moved to another one. Always being one step ahead of the enemy fire, P@triotsComm@nd012 racked up an impressive number of kills without ever being touched.
Rationality withered under the onslaught.
Then, just s quickly as he/she/Comrade appeared, P@triotsComm@nd012 was gone. What happened? Some say his/her/Comrade's parents threatened to cut off his/her/Comrade's internet if he/she/Comrade didn't spend more time doing homework. Some say the CIA caught up with him/her/Comrade, using spyware to infiltrate his/her/Comrade's computer network to ultimately take him/her/Comrade down.
The romantic in me likes to think that P@triotsComm@nd012 surveyed the wreckage of rationality that he/she/Comrade had wrought, and found it good. Feeling that his/her/Comrade's work was done, here, he/she/Comrade moved on to another battlefield in the unending war on the Enlightenment.