Ukraine is a land mass in eastern Europe that borders on Russia and several NATO countries.
2) No, Ukraine isn't a cure for navel-gazing incontinence, novel-grazing discontents or gravel-razing Komodo drago - oh. Wait. You actually gave a straight answer. I'm sorry - I wasn't expecting that. Wh...why would you do that?
In comedy, you gotta change things up every so often so the audience doesn't anticipate the joke.
3) Oh. Okay. Why is Ukraine in the news?
Scientists in the country believe they have found a cure for gravel-gazing Komodo dragons.
4) Aaaaaaaand we're back to normal. So, why is Ukraine really in the news?
Russia has sent 10,000 troops to its border with Ukraine.
Sorry. Russia has sent 50,000 troops to its border with Ukraine.
Oops. That number has grown to 100,000. Russia has sent 100,000 troops to its border with Ukraine.
And the troops are now in Ukraine. Do try to keep up!
8) Sorry. Russian - wait. What am I apologizing for?
That outfit you're wearing?
9) Can we focus, please? Ahem. Russian President Vladimir Putin has stated that sending troops into Ukraine wasn't an invasion. What was it?
A -
10) No, in all seriousness, what was it?
Oh, ye of little face. I was going to say: according to Putin, it was a defence of ethnic Russians in certain areas of Ukraine. Of course, Russia encouraged its citizens to move into those areas, and the evidence that Ukraine was oppressing them is thinner than a quantum string on a diet, but try not to get a casus belli ache digesting his rationalization.
11) President Putin justified the Russian...invasion that isn't an invasion by claiming that he wanted to "demilitarize the region." Demilitarize the region. Demilitarize. The. Region. How does sending one of the largest militaries in the world into a region demilitarize it?
The same way that punching you in the face takes attention away from how big your ears are.
12) Former United States President Donald Trump has said that the Russian...something similar to an invasion that isn't anything like an invasion was "genius." How much of Trumps' support for Putin is payback for Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky scuttling his corrupt 2020 re-election scheme?
It could be that. Trump doesn't just hold a grudge, after all, he Krazy Glues it to his chest. However, it could be that Putin helped him steal the 2016 election away from the evil Democrats, and he hopes Putin will help him steal the 2024 election away from the evil democrats. Never ascribe to malice what can be attributed to a different form of malice.
13) Tucker Carlson also supports the Russian...it walks like an invasion and quacks like an invasion, so it must be a duck. Why would he take this position?
Tucker Carlson would support a nuclear war that would annihilate all life on Earth if it would get him higher ratings. Call it unenlightened self-interest.
14) Republicans have argued that this is a sign of weakness on the part of the Biden administration, that the Russian...can we just stop pretending and call it an invasion? Coming up with creative ways to avoid the term is hurting my brain! Republicans argue that if Trump were still President, the situation would be completely different. What do you say to that?
True. If Trump was still President, he would have raced to Kiev in order to welcome the Russian army with open arms. Totally different.
15) How has the Russian...invasion, there, I said it, and I'm glad, proceeded?
Not as well as Putin could have hoped. For one thing, all of the street signs in Kiev have been taken down. Imagine how embarrassing it is for the Russian army to be marching toward the country's Parliament, only to end up in front of Vlad's Steak House and Pet Neutering Emporium! For another thing, Ukrainians seem to have slowed the Russian army's movement through the country using nothing but ice cream scoops and native cunning. And that's not to mention the financial repercussions of the move.
16) Like cutting Russia out of the international banking system?
You're SWIFT.
17) What other financial repercussions will there be?
The west has frozen the bank accounts of Putin and many of his oligarch friends. This will have devastating consequences for them: they may not be able to afford the fuel for their private jets, and nothing hurts more than having to fly commercial!
18) When last we left NATO, Trump had left them bitterly divided, and everybody expected the alliance to pose a weak front against fascist aggression. How did President Biden manage to pull them together?
Grit.
It was true grit.
Well, Putin didn't do himself any favours by arguing that Ukraine wasn't a real country, that it was always a Soviet Socialist Republic at heart, it's brain just didn't realize it yet. That signalled to other former members of the Soviet Union that he could be coming for them next. Nothing focuses the mind quite like an imminent invasion that isn't an invasion.
21) Are there other repercussion to the Russian invasion of Ukraine?
Absolutely. As many as 100,000 refugees have fled the country into neighbouring European nations, particularly Poland.
No, make that 200,000 refugees.
Sorry. It's already up to 300,000 refugees, and rising.
24) Oh, come on! How am I supposed to get a question in if you keep interrupting me with statistics?
What did I tell you about keeping up‽
