Dingle Dell
Was swell,
A place of peace and tranquility.
Even when some were clearly wrong,
Everybody found a way got along;
They disagreed with the utmost civility.
Roger Voluminous Faretheewell
Was the Mayor of Dingle Dell,
And by all accounts a good one, too.
He always took the time to kiss babies
And was sympathetic to those who caught rabies.
On service, he had an inclusive view.
Into this place of harmony
Trundled one Simon Crimon Jersey Nomersey Pale Ailes McGee
Atop a ten foot tall metal monstrosity.
It had bells, it had whistles,
It had tubes, it had thistles,
And it would forever change the Dingle Dell community.
The ship of state will run aground
When the outrage machineTM comes to town.
Simon set up in the town square,
Watched by the Dingle Dellians gathered there. They all get along? he thought. How rich!
Harmony is for simpletons, dolts and fools!
There is a much better return when anarchy rules!
And with an evil grin, he flipped the outrage machineTM's on switch.
It flooped, it fleebled,
It blooped, it bleebled,
It made as if to write bad checks.
It harrumphed, it rumbled
It blargety-blarged, it grumbled,
It complained that kids these days don't even know their own sex!
The Dingle Dellians didn't know what to make
Of the thing that found shallow muck to rake,
And treated it like a joke
At first.
But the bubble of their innocence it burst
When it started complaining that everything was woke.
What is lost will never be found
When the outrage machineTM comes to town.
Members of the elite driving in their Mercedes-Benz
Are coming after the wrong coloured M&Ms!
The outrage machineTM did inveigh.
You can bang your head against a wall
But they're playing with the sex of a potato headed doll -
For political correctness run amok your children will pay!
Before ordinary Dingle Dellians can see them
Coming, woke corporations are stealing your freedom,
Popping up like so many poison mushrooms!
You don't like comparisons of Republicans to Jews in the Holocaust? Fire Gina!
You don't like a state's voter suppression laws? Move the all-star game out of Atlanta!
And don't get me started on unisex washrooms!
But the worst actions of the woke fools
Are the ones taking place in the town's schools,
Where at all levels they demand politeness,
And where kindergarteners are taught history
That includes the negatives but never the positives of slavery
And are made to feel guilty for their whiteness!
The lies and half-truths grow in an ever-biggening mound
When the outrage machineTM comes to town.
"Well, now, that makes a lot of sense,"
Said Willoughby Gastronome de la Portense.
"That thingammie must surely be right."
"Can't you see," replied little Cindy-Lou,
"It's trying to drive a wedge between me and you?
It's sole purpose is to start a fight!"
"Oh, little girl, you have to admit,"
Willoughby said in a terrible snit,
"That Critical Race Blah Blah is Marxist indoctrination!"
"You're not listening," Cindy-Lou replied.
"That blasted thing takes those who are dissatisfied,
And blows their grievances up until they're the size of a nation!"
"You don't know your elbow from a hat!"
"Don't talk to Cindy-Lou like that!"
The comments became more and more snide.
"You are a bad, bad man."
"I just want to protect my family from the immigrant caravan!"
By nightfall, every citizen had chosen a side.
It's impossible to turn the heat down
Once the outrage machineTM comes to town
Brother fights sister. Sister fights brother.
People who used to love now fight with one another.
Over issues they would have once thought nonsense.
Debates that would have been wan and listless -
Such as whether or not there was a war on Christmas -
Are now filled with hurt and offence.
Many a man who used to be collected and calm
Will scream and shout and jump up and down
To prove he is an alpha, not a beta.
Amid a chorus of outraged screeches
They even complained about anti-racist Sneetches!
(I hope that doesn't come across as too meta.)
I see my work here is done,
Willoughby thought, as he flipped the switch that had turned the outrage machineTM on. The rot under the tranquility has been exposed, revealing the chaos.
For an unusually high stipend, a
Man can pave the way for wealth's extreme agenda. Not a bad day's work, eh boss?
Your intelligence makes you immune, you think with a frown
But wait until the outrage machineTM comes to your town.
