1) You seem rather...gleeful. Disturbingly so. What's going on?
It's the first day of a new Congress and I've got popcorn.
2) The first day of a new Congress? Isn't that a time for taking selfies doing rude things with the speaker's gavel before he (or she, now, I guess) is elected?
Not when the Republican Chaos Circus comes to town.
On the first ballot, 18 Republicans voted for somebody other than Kevin McCarthy. Because he has such a slim majority, he could only afford to lose four votes, so another ballot had to be held. On the third and final ballot of the day, 20 Republicans voted for somebody other than Kevin McCarthy.
4) Aren't negotiations supposed to move things in the other direction?
McCarthy was born to lead. On the final ballot, 19 people voted for Jim Jordan, even though he doesn't want to be speaker.
5) Why wouldn't he? Isn't it an honour to be speaker?
Jordan has tried to keep a low profile, throwing firebombs from the shadows. He is afraid that if he becomes prominent, there will be more scrutiny of allegations that he knew about the serial sexual assault of wrestlers at Ohio State University and did nothing. He's clearly a man of the people.
6) I heard Democratic House leader Hakeem Jeffries got more votes for Speaker (212) than Kevin McCarthy (202). How embarrassing must that have been?
It's hard to embarrass somebody who knows no shame. But if McCarthy had the capacity to embarrassed, the concessions he had to make to the Chaos Caucus in a futile attempt to win their votes would be worse.
7) Concessions? Did somebody say concessions? What concessions?
Take your pick.
McCarthy has already swallowed so many poison pills, you could be forgiven for nicknaming him Rasputin.
8) During the session, there was a cordon sanitaire around Representative George Santos. Is he so toxic that nobody wanted to sit near him?
It's not that nobody wanted to sit near him. Santos was merely involuntarily self-isolating. That's the kind of selfless politician he is.
9) At one point, he texted that he was honoured to be sworn in as a United States Representative. I thought no members can be sworn in until a speaker is chosen - was I wrong or was Santos lying?
Neither. Santos was being aspirational. Like his hero, Donald Trump, who declared his candidacy for president in 2024 in the hope that he wouldn't be prosecuted for his various crimes while he was running, Santos hopes being a Congressman will immunize him from fraud charges in Brazil.
10) Will Santos be seated before he is indicted in Brazil?
Are you kidding? Odds are even that Santos will be convicted before he is seated!
11) Why did McCarthy order all those pizzas after the House adjourned for the day?
He wanted to show the members of the Chaos Caucus who opposed him what a swell guy he was by feeding the homeless.
Nope. Everybody knows there are no homeless in Washington, DC.
13) Then, what was the deal with the pizzas?
Pizza was the only thing McCarthy hadn't already conceded to the Chaos Caucus, and he needed something to bargain with.
14) And he thought pizza would be a good bargaining chip?
Have you never been hungry after a long day screwing your boss?
15) After all the concessions, not to mention dinner, none of McCarthy's opponents voted for him. Why not?
No member of the Chaos Caucus will ever vote for McCarthy (although the pizza really hit the spot) because they don't trust him. They see McCarthy as a man of no fixed ideological address who will say or do anything to win become the speaker. To be fair, in this case they seem to be excellent judges of character.
16) If the Republicans can't get it together to do something as simple as elect a Speaker of the House, how are they going to be able to do the hard thing of governing?
Governing?
17) You know - passing laws that help people?
I know what governing is. I just haven't ever heard the words "governing" and "Chaos Republicans" so close together before. Are you sure that's what you meant to say?
18) Eric Cantor lost the House leadership when he was primaried from the right. Paul Ryan, unable to control the Tea Party Crazies, resigned mid-way through his second term as speaker. Now, there is the whole Kevin McCarthy schemazzle. Why have all the self-professed Young Guns of the Republican Party failed so spectacularly?
They were shooting blanks.
19) So close to the power he has been working his life to gain, never to achieve it - there's something poignant about Kevin McCarthy's doomed quest, isn't there?
Oh, yeah. McCarthy is the tragic figure Sophocles always wanted to write about.
20) Schadenfreude is such an ugly emotion, isn't it?
Only when somebody else is feeling it.