[The following column is close-captioned for the humour impaired.]
It was a slow day in the petri dish. [The petri dish is employed here as a metaphor for the world in which we live.] Malthus booked off work early and headed for the nearest nutrient bar. [Allusion to Thomas Robert Malthus (1766-1834), who argued in "Essay on the Principle of Population" that because populations grow at a faster rate than food production, widespread famine was inevitable.]
He ran into an old acquaintance, Darwin, who was also playing hookey. [Allusion to Charles Robert Darwin, who first postulated the "survival of the fittest" theory of evolution in "Zoology of the Voyage of HMS Beagle" and "The Origins of the Species by Natural Selection.] A couple of hours later, the two were two lab tissues to the wind. [Ie: drunk. A play on the phrase "two sheets to the wind."]
"Eat, secrete, multiply," Malthus muttered. "Eat, secrete, multiply - is that all we have to look forward to in our lives?"
"S'tough being a microbe," Darwin agreed. [Microbes are metaphors for human beings.]
"Do you ever wonder what it's all for?"
Darwin pulled himself up straight. "Don't be ridiculous," he sneered. "I work for the government!" [Gratuitous attack on government workers based on the public perception that bureaucrats have no imagination.]
"Mmm...okay. Think about yourself: aren't you worried about the state of the dish?"
Darwin shrugged. He had always hated how serious Malthus got when he was drunk.
"You know, studies show that if we continue to excrete at current levels," Malthus gloomily stated, "the dish will be so poisoned nothing will be able to live here within 10 generations..." [Excretion is being employed as a metaphor for industrial pollution.]
"Studies!" Darwin snorted. "Down at the Ministry, we've got a truckload of studies! Pro-pollution studies! Anti-pollution studies! Studies about how the environment is being destroyed by studies! They mean nothing..."
"But, Dar," Malthus insisted, "even if you don't believe in studies, won't you at least consider your own personal experience? Haven't you noticed how much hotter the dish has gotten in the last few years?" [A metaphorical reference to global warming.]
"For science's sake, don't be so melodramatic!" Darwin replied. "Sure, the dish has been through some changes, but I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for them."
[The column's object of attack is now revealed to be people who stubbornly refuse to acknowledge environmental problems despite accumulating evidence of science and their own experience. The petri dish metaphor is central to the attack: left on their own, microbes multiply and secrete until they fill the dish, poisoning their environment and killing every living thing within it.]
"But, what if it isn't? What if we are approaching complete, irreversible destruction of our environment?"
"I'm sure the situation is being closely monitored, and that dish leaders will warn us long before something really bad happens."
"Don't be so sure. Yeast production is at the heart of our economy, as well as being the single largest source of pollution. To save the dish, we might have to slow yeast production, throwing millions of microbes out of work." [Yeast is a metaphor for the products of industrial production.] "Politicians don't like giving people that kind of bad news."
"Nor should they have to. If it comes down to a choice between bacteria and jobs, I'll take jobs every time!" [Bacteria are a metaphor for wildlife. This statement mirrors the typical reductionist jobs vs. nature argument popular among those who oppose action to save the environment.]
Malthus shrugged. It was at times like these that he wished Darwin had more of a spine. [This is a play on the word "spine," meaning both backbone, which microbes do not have, and strong will.] "I think I've had enough for today," he said.
"Won't you stay for one more?" Darwin asked, disappointed.
"No, really. I've got to split." [Another play on words, "split" being used in the slang sense of leaving and as a reference to the way microbes reproduce.]
"Oh. I didn't realize it was that time of the month. Well, can I give you a lift home?"
"Naah. I think I'll swim..." [Ie: walk.]
