[Liverdrool] The rock world was stunned yesterday when one of its most celebrated stars renounced his own lyrics.
Pete Townshend, lead guitarist and primary songwriter for The Who, held a press conference to announce his new attitude towards his old lyric "I hope I die before I get old." Reading from a prepared speech, Townshend said, "Yeah, well, I am old, right? And, you know, I'm glad I didn't die. That's the sort of thing you say when you're a young geezer, and what do you know when you're young?"
Townshend went on to describe how his life has changed since his realization. His performing contract now has a rider which states that his backstage dressing room must be stocked with granola bars and tofu salad, and Townshend insists that he goes straight to bed after every concert.
The lyrics come from the song "My Generation."
Reaction to the announcement was swift, but divided. "Ah feel...betrayed," one anonymous fan declared before running off to lunch at the White House.
"What next?" Ronnie Piffleweber, curator of the Okiechobie Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, asked. "Rod Stewart doing ads for safe sex? Will Ozzie Osbourne stop biting the heads off of bats because he's worried about the cholesterol? This is a black, black day for music."
"And by the way," Piffleweber added, "I'm the janitor, not the curator."
"Yeah, well, rock and roll is a young man's game, and some of these old punters are way past it, ain't they?" music fan Donnie Auslander said. "Pete -- he was just telling it like it is, like he always has. You gotta admire old fart's honesty!" To prove his sincerity, Auslander offered to pull out his nipple ring.
Nobody took him up on the offer.
"I think his [Townshend's] statement will be a real boost for us," Rhona Finhagen, owner of Ra and Ja's Health Food Emporium, said. "You know, rock stars have tremendous power to sway public opinion -- it's nice to see that a prominent musician is willing to take a stand on behalf of a healthy lifestyle."
Other rock stars had equally swift reactions. "I have a suggestion about where Townshend can stick his granola bars," Billy Corrigan, lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins, stated. "Granola...that's something they feed stud horses that've been put out to pasture, isn't it?" Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers sneered. U2's Bono smiled inscrutably.
"Pete's right on!" lead singer of the Rolling Stones Mick Jagger exclaimed. "I mean, when I sang 'What a drag it is getting old' [from the song 'Mother's Little Helper'], what did I know about getting old? But, like, now, that I am old, it's totally not a drag! I'm having the time of my life being old -- everybody should try it!"
To prove his point, Jagger offered to pull out Donnie Auslander's nipple ring.
Ronnie Piffleweber shook his head sadly.
Former Beatle Paul McCartney didn't know what the fuss was all about. "When we sang 'When I'm 64' we didn't necessarily believe we would ever live to see it, but, you know, as usual, we were ahead of everybody else on the scene." He then laughed like a chipmunk for several minutes.
"Oh, and, by the way," McCartney went on to say, "it's Sir Paul to you."
Rumours of massive bonfires of old Who albums by irate fans have so far not materialized. Authorities speculate that this is because Baby Boomers want to hold on to them in hopes that they will become expensive collector's items. Psychologists, on the other hand, believe that Boomers simply refuse to give up anything which reminds them of their youth. The authorities have challenged the psychologists to a best of five falls wrestling match to determine which is correct, but so far there has been no response from the psychologists.
"Rock music has had to absorb these kinds of shocks before," music historian Lonnie Moondogrich stated. "The death of Hendrix...Lennon's 'We're bigger than Jesus' quote...Elvis getting fat. But it's a remarkably resilient cultural formation which renews -- some would say recreates -- the paradigms of its dominant discourse with every succeeding generation of listener-consumers."
No other music historians had any idea what Moondogrich was talking about, but I'm running out of space, so I'll say that his remarks were largely representative of professional critical opinion.
Frank Sinatra was unavailable for comment.
