Everybody in Hollywood knows that the key to a successful film is a strong ad campaign. In fact, many films begin as poster designs; only after the hard work of designing the campaign for maximum public exposure and name recognition can the less important work of actually writing the screenplay and producing the film proceed.
The heart of the movie is the tag line: 25 words or less which summarize the film in a way which piques a potential audience member's interest. Tag lines require the poetic use of metaphor, the concision of prose haiku, the soul of a huckster. Hey, I can do that! I figured. So, if there are any producers reading this column, the following tag lines are available:
"Everybody told Eric to get a life. They should have paid more attention to the one he had..."
"If knowledge is power, they're barely a 12 watt bulb."
" They destroyed his business, poisoned his reputation, killed his wife, slaughtered random members of his community and drowned his dog. And he loved his dog."
"How could they stop being strangers to each other when they would always be strangers to themselves?"
"For anybody who has ever had a bad hair life."
"Amherst -- it's a state of mind."
"They took America by storm with a song in their hearts and blood on their bayonets."
"See the band without having to wait three days in a lineup with skinheads who tear down the ticket office so they can have wood to make a fire!"
"You WILL believe that man was made in god's image."
"In a world that refuses to take itself seriously, honesty is the ultimate form of irony."
"Life is all fun and games until somebody staples your tongue to a wall."
"Particle physics is not for the squeamish."
"He figured he just might strap on his sixguns and face down the corrupt Sheriff and his evil posse, but it was just a stage he was going through."
"When you have somebody's life in your hands, it's too late to wonder if you scrubbed enough."
"They told her that freedom was indivisible, but Mary was never good at math."
"When Jerry said he would kill to make a movie, nobody took him seriously..."
"They stole his invention, disfigured him in a grease fire, killed his partner with a pair of knitting needles, slandered his family and destroyed his collection of Atari video games. And he really loved his video games."
"Oike!"
"Dieppe. 1944. The last place you want to be caught without your toenail clippers!"
"Canarsee -- a film for people who think Brian Fawcett is too slow."
"Against the odds. Against the law. Against the clock. His song would be heard!"
"Even people who are going nowhere need to make travel arrangements."
"Life is one big party...until you go skiing down the wrong mountain at the wrong time, witness the wrong criminal activity and get chased halfway around the world by a man with a smile full of gold teeth."
"Love at first graphical interface."
"If you want to swim with the sharks, you'd better have a perfect hook shot."
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to perceive."
"First, she lost her husband. Then, she lost her farm. Now, she's losing her temper..."
"In six hours, Gerald would be a millionaire. All he had to do was survive the attack of the accounting Harlequins!"
"It's hard to keep your balance when paradigms shift."
"Selling people death is a serious undertaking."
"When was the last time a film made you want to shave your head, give up all your worldly possessions and join a monestary?"
"Irving was content to be an unmatched sock in the laundry hamper of life until the day SHE walked into the electronics shop."
"It's the squeakiest wheel that gets on everybody's nerves."
"Free trip to Florida with every ticket sold."
"They invaded his planet, destroyed its most important buildings, siphoned off its precious resources and wiped out the entire human race. And he really loved the entire human race."
I want to see these films. Don't you?
