You would think that United States Vice President Dan Quayle already had enough to keep himself occupied, what with gutting legislation protecting the environment as head of the Council on Competitiveness, making space weapons-friendly as head of the National Space Council and speaking to gatherings of Far Right pundits to assure them that their agenda is unfolding as it should.
You would be wrong.
Apparently, Quayle wants to be a television critic.
Quayle recently criticized Murphy Brown because the main character, played by Candice Bergen, had a child out of wedlock. "I don't believe we should glorify illegitimacy," Quayle stated. "There are too many children born out of wedlock."
Of course, if Quayle finally rose to his level of incompetence and ran CBS, things would be different...
"You wanted to see me?" Diane English, creator and executive producer of the show, would ask as she walked into his office.
"Yes," Quayle would respond, irritated by her "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" t-shirt. "I've read the script for the season finale of Murphy Brown, and, frankly, I think some change need to be made..."
"Changes?" English would gulp.
"That's right. I believe Murphy Brown - a character who supposedly epitomizes today's intelligent, highly paid professional woman - undermines the importance of fathers by bearing a child alone and calling it just another lifestyle choice."
"Umm...what are you suggesting?"
"I would like to see Brown get married."
"Married? But...but, the father absolutely refuses -"
"If she's going to have a child, she's going to have to be married. I do not want this network to contribute to the moral decay of this country!"
"You're accusing unwed mothers of destroying the moral fabric of this country? But, thousands of women are abandoned by the fathers of their children every year!"
"It's a matter of morality, Diane. Children need fathers to teach them moral guidance. If you don't have them, you have the kind of riots that happened in Los Angeles."
"So, you're saying that a woman giving birth on television contributed to the LA riots, but that thousands of hours of TV violence had nothing to do with it?"
"I don't think you're getting it, Diane..."
"Are you saying she should have opted to have an abortion instead of having the child?"
"No, you're definitely not getting this. Look, I hate to pull rank -"
"But, you're about to pull rank."
"Exactly. As long as I'm in control, Brown has to be married to have her child!"
"Uhh...yes, sir."
"Now, of course, Brown will have to stay at home to bring up her child."
"Stay at ho - I'm sorry, sir, but that's just not possible. Murphy is a world famous political journalist."
"Relax, Diane. I'm not suggesting that she should change. All I'm saying is that Brown should stay at home to take care of her child, and be a world famous political journalist on the side."
"On the side!"
"You know. As a hobby."
"Why can't her husband stay at home to bring up the child?"
"He has to work to support the family."
"What kind of influence is he going to be on the child if he works outside the home?"
"... And another thing: I don't like Brown's attitude towards men."
"What?"
"She's always making fun of men. I think she should be more...respectful..."
"I thought you said you weren't going to change her character."
"I hadn't reached this point, yet."
"Look, if you think I -"
"Of course, the husband will have to have at least as much screen time as Brown, and - Brown? When she's married, she'll take his name, of course, so the show will have to be retitled, and -"
"Good god! You want to turn Murphy Brown into Father Knows Best!
"You have a problem with that?"
