The Daily Me - Captain Happy Pandit

Thank you, Captain Happy Pandit, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we wondered: why is it that when people ask, "Can I tell you something about yourself?" they proceed to do so even when you answer, "No?" For that matter, why do they think adding, "And I'm going to be brutally honest," will make you want to hear what they have to say more?

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The Daily Me Staff

Bondi, Pam Bondi
A Phrase That Struck No Fear Into Any Spy Ever

it's enough to make one 6) Pam Bondi, Trump's choice for attorney general, said in her confirmation hearing that her goal was to remove politics from the Department of Justice. What does this mean? a) she intends to remove your politics at the DoJ and replace it with peanut butter cups long past their best by date
b) she's going to remove the page with the definition "politics" from every dictionary in the DoJ
c) you're right, that may not be enough: she's going to remove all of the definitions for words beginning with the letter "p" from every dictionary in the DoJ!

 Remember: always practice safe 6) What has she said that would make you doubt her sincerity? a) She told the committee that, "There will never be an enemy's list within the Department of Justice." When she was asked about Trump's nominee to head the FBI, Kash Patel, who wrote a book containing an enemy's list, she said, "I haven't read it. I don't read. I'm too busy keeping the country safe to read!"
b) When she was asked, repeatedly, if Donald Trump lost the 2020 election, she answered with non-answers such as, "I'm sorry, Senator, but I don't deal in hypotheticals," and "I'm sorry, Senator, but I don't deal in hypocriticals," and "I'm not really sorry, Senator, but that's ancient history, and, as we have already established, I don't read! Please try and keep up."
c) When she was asked about a statement that "prosecutors will be prosecuted," which would appear to contradict her statement that she will depoliticize the Justice Department, she said, "No, no, no, Senator. I will only bring cases against the bad prosecutors." When asked how she defined "bad" prosecutors, Bondi responded, "Sorry, but as we have already established, I don't deal in hypotheticals. Do please try and pay attention."
d) all of the above

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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If Russia Hadn't Existed, Donald Trump Would Have Had To Invent It
Before Russia Invented Him
Things Get A Bit Timey-Wimey After That...

Early in his presidency, Donald Trump announced that he would be levying a 25% tariff on all goods coming into the US from Canada. He suggested that he might relent if Canada stopped the flow of drugs (fentanyl is today's right-wing demagogue's drug of choice) and migrants (LatinX is today's right-wing demagogue's drug of choice). Then, he mused that he might not impose the tariffs on all goods all at once, but stagger them over a couple of months. Then, he pronounced it didn't matter what Canada did, he would impose the tariffs anyway because it was a way for him to raise "big money."

So, what happened? The Canadian government announced that it would be spending over $100 million on beefing up the country's border security, and the Trump administration put tariffs on Canadian goods across the board anyway.

With friends like these, who needs Russia?

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-g6g3-4f4f-9f-a2eb4cc6a728]
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Conservative Leader Admits: "It's All White By Me!"

Ontario Premier Doug Ford has said that he expects Ottawa to keep subsidizing electric-vehicle production in the province no matter who is elected in the next federal election. "Anyone who's prime minister needs to step up," Ford said. "They need to support the workers here in Ontario."

Federal Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre stopped looking at fabric swatches for 24 Sussex Drive long enough to sigh. "I hate having family disagreements in public," he commented, adding: "What's the difference between coral and off-white? Because, honestly, I'm not seeing a difference!"

SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2025/01/02/509727.html]
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How Do You Make A Bomb Out Of Condoms?
Ensure That All Of The Roles Are Miscast And Use A Script Written By An AI

Donald Trump: "We identified and stopped $50 million1 being sent to Gaza to buy condoms for Hamas.2 And you know what's happened to them? They've used them as a method of making bombs.3"

Notes

1. USAID spends money on a variety of projects, including buying and distributing condoms for poor countries to combat STDs, focused on AIDS. It costs roughly 33 cents to buy a condom, which means that if this number is correct, the humanitarian organization would have sent 150 million condoms to Gaza. That would have been 62 condoms for every man, woman and child in the war zone. Good times.

2. ...Or, at least, they would have been, except the aid was sent to Gaza, Mozambique, not Gaza, Middle East.

3. Love bombs?

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500-038962738764715380-24cahs01.html]
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Hope For The Best, Expect Politics

When the Liberal government prorogued Parliament, several programs and policies were left in limbo, including: an increase in the capital gains tax; a federal disability benefit; and, the roll-out of dental care and pharmacare.

Not that it matters all that much. If Parliament hadn't been prorogued, the Liberals would have lost a vote of no confidence, dissolving the government and definitively ending all of those initiatives anyway.

SOURCE: Canadian Depress

[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Trading In "Keep A Stiff Upper Lips"s Was Light, While The Price Of "Oh, Hell, Let's Go Down To The Pub And Get Shitfaced!"s Soared

Five years after Britain exited the European Union, the full impact of the decision has still to fully emerge. The government's Office for Budgetary Responsibility forecasts that UK exports and imports will be 15 per cent lower in the long run than if the country had stayed in the EU; economic productivity will be four per cent lower.

One bright spot is the 154% increase in "We warned you that this would happen. What the hell were you [EXPLETIVES DELETED] thinking‽"s. It is also true that "Oh, my Gord, our economy will never recover from this. We're doomed! We're doomed! We're doomed!"s have increased by 129%. These are not the sorts of things that will help the economy, but these days we take our good news wherever we can find it. SOURCE: Daily Semaphore

[http://www.news.semaphore.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DuereDE/wXeR.WzvwF?7wF~/DuereDE/s119/Os/42/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DueReDR/
s119/Os/28/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=0004]
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