"Da freak is dat? Could you - could somebody please tell me what da freak dat jackass t'inks he's doin'? He looks like a deer caught in freakin' headlights! Da freak is up wit' dat?"
The man talking is Jocko "Big Hurt" Mammoliti, a freelance hit man and amateur plastic surgeon currently serving time a federal correction facility for futilely kidnapping and trying to get ransom for a stock broker. "Bad freakin' timing," Mammoliti explained. "Five years ago, I woulda got a freakin' fortune for da guy. Millions, I'm talkin'. Today, his family won't even accept a freakin' collect call!"
The Big Hurt is looking at a photograph of former WorldCom Chief Financial Officer Scott Sullivan being led from a building by a pair of plainclothes law enforcement agents. his hands were behind his back, obviously handcuffed. His expression could charitably be described as "doleful."
"I been on my share a perp walks," Mammoliti told me, "and I never looked like dat. Man looks like he's about ta pass a freakin' stone, know what I'm sayin'? Shit! The whole point a da freakin' perp walk is ta humiliate da person what's bein' arrested - you never give da freakin' cops da satisfaction! Never!
"Perp walk" is a term used to describe what happens when police officers walk somebody about to be charged with a crime out of a building to their car. It is generally considered a social event, with many journalists and photographers invited to share in the policeman's good fortune at having rid the streets of another miscreant.
What does one have to do to become a guest of honour at a perp walk? Sullivan was charged with fraud. Looking at the photograph myself, it occurred to me that many more corporate executives would be doing the perp walk in the coming months. So, I consulted the Big Hurt to get his professional opinion of proper perp walk technique.
"Guy's a freakin' amateur. Wi' da perp walk, you got two ways ta go. You can ask for yer hands ta be cuffed in front so's you can put 'em in front of yer face. If dey don't go fer dat - and dey usually got no reason ta cooperate wit' youse - youse can still keep yer head down. Protect yer freakin' eyes - dat was da rule in da toidies...
"Da udder way ta go is ta walk tall and proud. Look like youse would kick da arrestin' officer's ass if youse wanted, only dis time you'll take pity on a poor workin' stiff what gotta feed his family same's ordinary people. Besides, da press, dey go fer people wit' attitude. I woulda thought dat freakin' Fortune 500 executives woulda had dat kinda attitude in spades, but I guess dey don't. Freakin' pussies. Dat's what's killing dis freakin' economy, if youse ask me."
I asked the Big Hurt if those were the only choices somebody on the perp walk had.
"Well...some crazy mothers, dey run towards da nearest photographer and try ta headbutt da sucker. Yakuza - Japanese gangsters. Crazy freakin' mothers. Give regular criminals a bad name, know what I mean?"
I asked if there was a perp walk alleged corporate criminals could watch to see how it should be done.
"You kiddin' me? I got two words fer youse: John freakin' Gotti. Da man never had a bad perp walk in his freakin' life! Sometimes defiant...sometimes proud...da Dapper Don managed ta pack so many emotions into the few seconds of his perp walks, dey were freakin' works of art. I still tear up whenever I see his last perp walk before dey put him away fer good, and I ain't one prone ta freakin' displays of spontaneous emotion!"
Is there any way to avoid the perp walk? I asked.
"Sure. Youse could always give yerself up before dey comes ta arrest youse." The Big Hurt spend the next few minutes doubled over in laughter. His laughter sounded like the ground gears of a car driven by somebody who was clearly unfamiliar with the concept of the stick shift. Still, I don't imagine there were a lot of opportunities for merriment where Mammoliti was staying, so I let him laugh himself out.
Any last bit of advice about the perp walk?
"Aww, freak it. In a couple a years, it'll be a badge of honour fer guys wit' a billion bucks or more. Really - don't freakin' worry. It's not like any of youse are gonna spend any serious time behind bars..."
