FolliTech. FolTech. TechFol. T-Fol. TecFol. FolTec. FollIck.
My third Image Consultant in as many weeks suggested that Les Pages aux Folles needed a new name. Something short. Something sleek. Something that easily rolled off the tongue. Something hip and happening.
Something not French.
PagiTech. PagTech. TechPag. T-Pag. TecPag. PagTec. PagNate.
The trick, my third Image Consultant in as many weeks informed me, is to put together syllables that promise depth while actually delivering an absolute minimum of meaning. This is the pinnacle of post-modern branding: the less your customers know about what it is you actually do, the more likely they will be to fill your brand with their own meaning, their own emotional needs and desires. When they buy your product, they are actually buying the solution to an internally generated mystery.
Ah, sweet mystery of Life (registered Brand trademark; unauthorized use prohibited)!
PagiFolliTech. PagFolTech. TechFolPag. T-FolPag. FolTecPag. FPTech. PaFGens.
I asked my third Image Consultant in as many weeks why she felt it necessary for me to change the name of the column. She told me that when your stock price is plummeting because management has been looting your assets thanks to sweetheart deals made with a compliant Board of Directors while allegations of improper accounting practices swirl around the company, the best you thing you can do to make a fresh start is change the company's name. I told her I didn't have any of those problems.
You will, she confidently told me. You will.
Folles Consulting. FollCon. FoCo. PaF Consulting. PaFCon. PaFCo. PaFC.
My third Image Consultant in as many weeks asked me if I knew what euphony was. What my readers will think of me when they find out that the column's name has changed, but the column itself is exactly the same, I quipped. The Image Consultant tutted with exorbitant disapproval. (Hey! - my first Image Consultant would have laughed. Probably. I think.)
My third Image Consultant explained that euphony refers to sounds that are pleasing to the ear. Sibilant sounds like esses. Soft vowels. Soothing sounds. Ssssssoooooooothing sssssssoundsssss. I felt sleepy...trippy...mesmerized...
God, she's good!
CelastiCa. ExCeleron. ExCeler8. EnRonHubrd. TransLucent. LucentFer. EnLuciCa.
The trick, according to my third Image Consultant in as many weeks (who must have been a magician in a former life), in choosing a good name is to empty your mind and let the universe of possible syllabic combinations wash over you until one stands out (or possibly a Buddhist monk). Emptying my mind was no problem. The problem was the only thing washing over me was the universe possible club sandwich combinations.
Had I known, I would not have scheduled the meeting with my third Image Consultant in as many weeks so close to lunchtime.
NgestiCa. E-SofiCas. Bile Consulting. SchaDenFud. ThoraxCo. GulpTron. FoodTastic.
This wasn't working for me, but I didn't dare tell my third Image Consultant in as many weeks. She had already brainstormed 2,357 new names, and we still had two and a half hours to go. Besides, actually expressing a need to have a name that directly expressed what Les Pages aux Folles was all about was what had led me to lose my first two Image Consultants.
My experience with Consultants is that clients who disagree with them is bad for their self-Image. Sad, really.
IshKBibble. GuStiCa. E-MannyWell. QbbbCo. FeebLSterck. FebRon. KlRcTwnF.
I know what you're thinking (and I don't mean that in a Woody Allenish kind of way): why would I go to the trouble of meeting with Image Consultants if I treated everything they told me with such cynical skepticism? I don't mean to be cynical. Honest. I go into these meetings full of wide-eyed wonder at the possibilities life offers us. Then, at some point, the cynicism just comes out of nowhere, surprising even me. I'm convinced it's genetic.
In any case, I was told that, after 17 years, Les Pages aux Folles was in danger of being publicly perceived as stale. If I didn't do something to project an aura of freshness (and, no, plastic wrap was not an appropriate indicator), the column would go to that place reserved in the public imagination for illuminated manuscripts, Howdy Doody and Atari's Pong. I was convinced that I needed to act immediately. Who convinced me?
Why, Image Consultants, of course.
IrnTechOmniPassant. RelCoGenenTirn. TelSatProNex. FamCafEngleDolrs. DirRicoBluGen. BikTickDickFlic. PgNt.