Frequently Unasked Questions, v. 5
1) If I send you a nude photograph of myself, will you put it on your site?
2) My boyfriend is just the sweetest guy you could possibly imagine. Only, after a night on the town with his college biker buddies, all he wants to talk about are boobs. It's boobs this and boobs that from the minute we sit down to breakfast to the time we fall asleep in front of Leno. I try to tell him I think he's being an insensitive jerk (for a sweet guy), but sometimes it's days before I can have a normal, boobs-free conversation with him. What should I do?
3) Do you mind if I call you the Les Pages aux Folles guy?
4) At times, you portray US President George W. Bush as a warmongering threat to international security. At other times, you portray him as a mediocre non-entity following an agenda set by his largest corporate campaign contributors and his closest advisers. Don't you see a contradiction here?
5) What the hell kind of an answer is that?
6) According to Mark Crispin Miller, President Bush is dangerous because he is a textbook psychopath. Yet, you continue to portray the President as a buffoon. What's up with that?
7) This morning's Deadline News featured stories on a terrorist attack in Israel, a follow-up to the War in Afghanistan, racial profiling and the results of a national election in Brazil. Yet, you chose to lead with a poll of Canadians on political leadership. Can you give any explanation for this appalling lack of news judgment?
8) Do you accept money to mention products in your column without telling readers that's what you're doing?
9) I've noticed that a lot of comedians are Jewish. What do you think makes Jews so darn comical?
10) But, I mean, if you had to guess, what -
11) Do you research your column?
12) Don't you read newspapers or interview people?
13) How do you determine if something is gaudy?
14) Didn't you once write that puns are the lowest form of comedy?
15) Have you ever thought of running for public office?
16) Do you ever worry about being out of step with the rest of the world?
17) What gives you the right to criticize others?
18) Do you ever pad your column to get the necessary number of words?
19) So, you don't pad your columns?
1) If I send you a nude photograph of myself, will you put it on your site?
I assure you that all photographs of naked people submitted to Les Pages aux Folles will be used for my personal enjoyment only.
2) My boyfriend is just the sweetest guy you could possibly imagine. Only, after a night on the town with his college biker buddies, all he wants to talk about are boobs. It's boobs this and boobs that from the minute we sit down to breakfast to the time we fall asleep in front of Leno. I try to tell him I think he's being an insensitive jerk (for a sweet guy), but sometimes it's days before I can have a normal, boobs-free conversation with him. What should I do?
I have taken the liberty of forwarding your query to our resident expert on all matters sexual, Raoul Blackaddar. I am confident he will be able to set you straight on this matter, as well as many others you hadn't even considered besides.
3) Do you mind if I call you the Les Pages aux Folles guy?
Puns are the lowest form of comedy.
4) At times, you portray US President George W. Bush as a warmongering threat to international security. At other times, you portray him as a mediocre non-entity following an agenda set by his largest corporate campaign contributors and his closest advisers. Don't you see a contradiction here?
Foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. In the world outside of monkey mind, there are no contradictions. It depends upon which side of the bed I woke up on in the morning. It depends upon whether the cup of Hemlock is half full or half empty. It depends upon who wears the Depends in the family. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
5) What the hell kind of an answer is that?
Obfuscation through variance over time - I learned from the master.
6) According to Mark Crispin Miller, President Bush is dangerous because he is a textbook psychopath. Yet, you continue to portray the President as a buffoon. What's up with that?
He can't be both?
7) This morning's Deadline News featured stories on a terrorist attack in Israel, a follow-up to the War in Afghanistan, racial profiling and the results of a national election in Brazil. Yet, you chose to lead with a poll of Canadians on political leadership. Can you give any explanation for this appalling lack of news judgment?
I'm the last person who should be in charge of a newsroom.
8) Do you accept money to mention products in your column without telling readers that's what you're doing?
You're obviously confusing me with Brian Costello.
9) I've noticed that a lot of comedians are Jewish. What do you think makes Jews so darn comical?
I am so not going to answer that question.
10) But, I mean, if you had to guess, what -
Something in the drinking water.
11) Do you research your column?
Absolutely! I read three academic treatises on obscure ancient Greek philosophers an hour until I start hallucinating. When I come to, I write down everything I remember.
12) Don't you read newspapers or interview people?
"Never let the facts get in the way of a good story." That's an old journalism adage. Or, maybe, an old screenwriter's adage. Either way, I trust my meaning is clear.
13) How do you determine if something is gaudy?
If you look at it and go, "Oh, god!"
14) Didn't you once write that puns are the lowest form of comedy?
When you have to feed the insatiable maw of the entertainment machine, you use whatever tools come immediately to hand.
15) Have you ever thought of running for public office?
Sure. It's on my to do list, right between "get a root canal without anasthetic" and "become the 11th victim of a serial killer."
16) Do you ever worry about being out of step with the rest of the world?
I differ without begging.
17) What gives you the right to criticize others?
My pen's bigger than yours.
18) Do you ever pad your column to get the necessary number of words?
No, I do not pad my columns to get the necessary number of words! And, I am shocked - shocked, I tell you! - that you would even suggest such a thing! Every word in every Les Pages aux Folles column is carefully weighed for maximum comic effect to ensure that we deliver only the finest comedy products to you, our loyal and devoted readers!
19) So, you don't pad your columns?
Well, sometimes. But, don't let it get around, okay?
