Works of social criticism are not considered complete these days unless they contain a chapter of "solutions." This is based, in part, on the mistaken belief that criticizing is easy but finding ways to change the world for the better is hard. (I say mistaken because, as anybody who has tried to write three columns a week for any appreciable amount of time can attest, criticizing can actually be damn hard.) Contributing to this search for solutions is the delusion that, since we're all men and women of good will, all we need is a new idea to make the world a better place.
In fact, most of us know exactly what to do to make the world a better place; we just need to be reminded occasionally. So, in the spirit of the season (and to get some of my more vocal readers off my back), I offer the following solutions to the world's pressing problems.
Fall on your knees, beg her forgiveness and swear you'll never do it again.
Fall on your knees, beg her forgiveness and swear you got it from a toilet seat.
Fall on your knees, beg her forgiveness and swear that the alcohol was to blame, and, as of this second, you are a committed teatotaler.
Give back the land. Stop supporting terrorism.
Trade your SUV for an energy-efficient compact car. Don't leave appliances on when you're not using them. Replace your old windows with double-glazed.
Return corporate taxes to 1970 levels, rescind tax breaks for the wealthy and put the money generated back into social programmes.
Stop stopping cars just because the drivers are black. Stop sending police officers to disrupt legal public protests. Decriminalize marijuana possession and use so police officers can be freed to combat real crime.
Bring your CEO's compensation package down to a reasonable multiple of an average employee's annual salary. Stop offering them expensive stock options and inexpensive loans based on the stock options. Always state your earnings clearly. Do not use illegal means to appear to boost earnings without actually increasing productivity or profitability.
The train you are on will pass the red train in 23 minutes and 40 seconds. Start spending more time with your math homework and you will eventually be able to figure these things out on your own.
Don't take what's not yours, whether it's a cream filled doughnut or Tibet.
Limit campaign contributions to individuals.
Eat healthier food and get more exercise.
Watch less television and spend more quality time with your friends and family.
Read a book.
Stop selling weapons to tyrannical despots. Stop being surprised when tyrannical despots use the weapons you sold them against you. Stop telling your people that the tyrannical despot killing them with weapons you sold them are dying because of the despot's irrationality and tell them the truth: you calculated their deaths as just another cost of doing business.
Accept that who your neighbours sleep with and how they get their pleasure is none of your business. Stop waging a hypocritical, expensive and futile war on drugs and accept that what other people put into their bodies is none of your business.
Put aside your mutual loathing and do what's best for the children.
Love thy neighbour as thyself.
Stop repeating mistakes you recognize as mistakes. When you make a mistake you have never made before, learn from it and never make it again.
If Communists were democratically elected, let them govern in peace. If you interfere with democratically elected governments because you do not like their policies, stop proclaiming that your goal is to democratize the world.
Don't buy clothes from companies that employ sweatshop labour. Stop using sweatshop labour to make your clothes. Pass laws forbidding clothes companies based in your country from using sweatshop labour.
Don't blame the weather. Don't blame the alcohol. Don't blame the previous administration.
Stop pretending that massive defense spending isn't an industrial policy. Stop pretending that a growing gap between rich and poor is not a sign of a class-based society.
Make sure the meat is thoroughly cooked before serving it.
Forgive others. Forgive yourself.
Question authority.
Stop wearing polyester.
You see? Solving the world's problems is not that difficult. I leave it to you to work out the details...