Spike Lee. Filmmaker. Entrepreneur. Activist. Nuisance lawsuit pursuer.
It's a full life.
TNN, which was born The Nashville Network and rebranded itself The National Network (appropriate for the cash cow it has been), had done some internal research which showed that viewers were fed up with TNN acronyms. So, when owner Viacom decided to rename the cable network anew, The Natural Network, The Neuronal Network and The Nonny-nonny Network were right out.
(TNN needed a new name to indicate its change from a country and western network to one dominated by male oriented programming. As if somebody watching a cartoon version of Pamela Anderson playing a cartoon stripper/superhero would say to themselves, "Hey, wait just a goldurn minute! Are you sure that's Tammy Wynette?")
With much fanfare, Viacom announced the new name of TNN: Spike TV. Spike Lee objected to this, claiming that his reputation would be damaged by an association with the "demeaning, vapid and quasi-pornographic content of Spike TV." Oooookay. Lee has never been known for his expansive sense of humour. Neither, apparently, is the New York State Supreme Court, which issued an injunction to stop the launch of Spike TV until it could deal with Lee's complaint.
Now, I suspect Lee would probably have had a stronger case if he had been known all these years as "Spike TV Lee." Still, it doesn't take much of an imagination to see that a decision in his favour would have serious repercussions.
For example, women would no longer be able to refer to stiletto heels as spikes. Perhaps they could start calling them "freedom heels."
Putting liquor into non-alcoholic beverages could no longer be referred to as "spiking the punch."
Goon Show great Spike Milligan would forthwith have to be referred to by his given name...does anybody know what it is? In fact, the late Milligan's estate could probably sue Lee since he obviously came first. It'd be worth it just to see Johnny Cochrane's head explode.
Football players would no longer be able to spike the ball after a touchdown, under penalty of a long lecture on race relations in America.
Drug addicts would no longer be able to refer to their needles as spikes (although Lee has shown a resistance, in the past, to dealing with drug culture, so maybe they would be safe).
And, of course, The Last Spike, the historical moment when the Canadian railway was complete, binding this nation together from coast to coast, would have to be renamed, although, frankly, The Last Metal Peg just doesn't have the same ring to it.
If Lee is ultimately successful, I can see an upside. For me, anyway. I'll finally have precedent to end my quarrel with the Irish Republican Army.
In my files, I have a 96 point bold headline that reads: IRA KILLERS. (Why, yes, it did come from The Sun - why do you ask?) When I first clipped it, I had nightmares about roaming bands of murderers who had taken it upon themselves for reasons unknown (and, really, who can know the reasons of roaming bands of murderers?) to kill everybody on the planet with name.
Not only that, but often when I met new people, they would make fun of my connection to the Irish terrorist organization. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have heard variations on the joke, "Ira, eh? So, you gonna stop killing British citizens, or what? Ha ha ha!" And, the joke wasn't especially funny to begin with.
I also have an uncle who likes teasing people, who makes IRA jokes whenever I see him. (Needless to say, I don't see that branch of my family all that often...)
The Spike Lee precedent gives me hope that this torment will finally end. All I have to do is sue the IRA to get them to change their name! It's so simple, I'm surprised the British government didn't think of it decades ago!
But, that's only the beginning. All those banks that issue Investment Retirement Annuities for their customers? Fuggedaboudit! If they do not cease and desist, they could find themselves at the centre of a nasty lawsuit. (And, let's be honest: who wouldn't want to stick it to the banks if they had the chance?)
Yes, Spike Lee is opening up a brave new world where individuals can control who uses common words in the English language, and I, for one, say this is one idea that shouldn't be spi - uhh, passed over!