ANNOUNCEMENT: CanWest Global Corporation has just bought the financially ailing Deadline News Network for an undisclosed sum. President Izzy "Only His Hairdresser Knows For Sure" Asper, commenting on the purchase, stated, "We already own everything of any value in this country, so why not?" With a knowing giggle, he added: "Of course, the editorial integrity of Deadline News will in no way be compromised by the purchase."
My, what big outplacement councilors you have, grandma.
Good evening. Our top story tonight: United States President George Junior told the United Nations General Assembly that if it didn't enforce its resolutions against Iraq, the US would attack the country because it was "very, very naughty." Some people might consider this blackmail, but in the current overheated patriotic climate of North America, journalists concerned about keeping their jobs won't be among them.
In a related story: Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, in a months-old interview aired by the CBC on the first anniversary of the September 11 terrorist attack on the United States, argued that the greed and arrogance of developed nations was responsible for poverty and despair in developing nations. In response, several journalists' brains seized up. On the one hand, CanWest Global has a policy of full support for the Prime Minister, with possible internal sanctions for those who do not follow it. On the other hand, the author of any analysis of the so-called "War on Terrorism" that goes beyond simplistic formulae of good and evil faces possible external sanctions.
Image management in the 21st century is complicated, isn't it? Expect more stories on people trapped at the bottom of wells until this one is sorted out.
In other news: Responding to the call for pilots to carry guns in airplane cockpits to deter would-be terrorist hijackers, a representative of the Canadian Pilots Association remarked: "No problem, as long as the in-flight movie is Gunfight at the OK Corral." I don't know about you, but I plan on taking the train across the ocean the next time I holiday in Europe.
Israeli troops firing on a bus in the Occupied Territories killed 12 people, including six women and a three year-old boy in - what? What memo? I - oh. But...oh. No. Right. Sorry. Let me try that again. In response to recent terrorist attacks, Israeli troops fired on a bus in the Disputed Territories, killing those believed responsible and nine others. Palestinian representative Bashir Butgut said - well...it isn't really that important what he said.
In local news: is Union Station really going to be turned into Disneyland North? Owing to secret deals made with developers, nobody knows for sure. One thing is certain, however: mouse ears will definitely clash with Via Rail uniforms.
On the entertainment scene: The Spliffy Peanut Butter Network has just announced that its preemption of regular programming in order to air a special on the first anniversary of 9/11 was a huge ratings success. The day was capped off by two hours of testimonials on how peanut butter - nature's perfect food - helped the families of the victims of the terrorist attack cope with -
This is news? Why am I reading - oh. Of course. SpliffyVision is partially owned by CanWest Global. I must admit, they sure know how to put the con back in convergence.
The Toronto International Film Festival will test a new pass for journalists in response to film writer Roger Ebert's hissy fit when he was refused entry to a press screening. The Ebert Pass will not only entitle the holder to kick an already seated patron out of any press screening seconds before the film starts, but one of its major perks will be the opportunity for the critic to get his ass kissed by one person in the press office every day of the Festival. One critic suggested that this second perk would be ineffective, since Ebert's thumb would get in the way.
And, now, a Deadline News national editorial. Jean Chretien is a god. G-O-D. God. The Liberal Party of Canada is the perfect vessel to contain his wisdom. All worship, praise, exalt and adore Jean Chretien and the Liberal Party of Canada. Well, that's their opinion, anyway.
And, finally, you know, if one person - just one person - had said "How do you expect to make a profit?" back in 1998, listened politely to the answer and responded, "But, no, seriously, how do you expect to make a profit?" it probably would have made no difference. However, if a dozen people had - half a dozen pension fund managers, say, and half a dozen television market analysts - tens of thousands of ordinary people might not now be wondering if they'll ever be able to afford to retire. Makes you think, doesn't it? For those of you who are out of practice, there's always Everybody Loves Raymond.
Good night.