Good evening. Tonight, a Deadline News Special Report: America Goes to War (Again) . I'm your host, Rex Veneer.
In order to justify a war with Iraq, United States President George Junior argued: "Saddam Hussein helped the Al-Qaeda terrorists who attacked the World Trade Centre. Well, okay, he probably had nothing to do with the terrorist attack, but he's minutes away from develo-ping nuclear weapons. Well, no, he's probably years away from having a serious nuclear capability, but he is definitely developing chemical and/or biological weapons. Well, sure, after daddy bombed his country the first time, he was left pretty much without any chemical and/or biological weapons, but he is an evil man who waged war on his neighbours and used poisoned gas on his own people. Well, yes, he thought he had American permission to invade or make war against his neighbours and we did look the other way when he gassed his own people, but Saddam is still a very, very bad man who needs to be removed before he does something really terrible."
It must be easy to stay "on message" when there are so many messages to choose from.
At a recent press conference, a journalist - not American, possibly French - pointed out that American planes traveling over Iraq's no-fly zone had started dropping bombs on potential military targets and asked if these weren't acts of war, which would be odd because Congress had yet to declare war against Iraq and - as every schoolchild knows - only Congress can declare war. In response, President George Junior stated: "Not you, again!"
At a press conference last week, the same journalist - definitely not American, perhaps German - asked what the difference was between enacting regime change and violently overthrowing a government. In response to her latest question, the President thanked the journalist for her observation and promised swift and decisive action: the light in the back of the press gallery would be improved so that he could more easily identify the journalists lurking there.
Responding to questions about the potential for civilian casualties if the United States does attack Iraq, which would likely involve a "severe spanking" (or, carpet bombing pre-euphemism), the White House issued a press release stating that "so many Iraqi civilians had already died because of economic sanctions against the country, what's the difference?" Apparently, this response replaces last week's press release, which stated: "War with Iraq is a lot easier if you imagine a country made up of millions of Saddam Husseins."
Okay, that's going to keep me up nights.
And, speaking of the despicable, despotic, demonic dictator, Saddam (whose name is an anagram of Madman...more or less) surprised everybody by announcing he would unconditionally allow United Nations weapons inspectors back into Iraq. I guess what they say about imminent death focusing the mind is really true. In response, United States Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told journalists: "Oh, sure. Now, pull the other one!" When Hussein said that no, he was serious, President George Junior's entire Cabinet put their hands over their ears and shouted, "La la la la la, I'm not listening!"
There is no word, yet, on whether the UN inspection team will include the obligatory CIA plants, but beyond documenting the location of new piles of rubble, it's hard to imagine what intelligence there is to gather in a country rent by decades of war and economic sanctions.
On a lighter note, Elton Bateman was arrested last night when he decked a patron of a Hooters in Kenosha, Wisconsin. "He was an aggressive drunk," Bateman explained, "and he would have attacked me sooner or later. I knew I had to preemptively bitch slap him, so I did." Judge Willard Moore was unimpressed by this explanation. "'The United States will not use force in all cases to preempt emerging threats,'" he quoted the Bush doctrine, '"nor should countries use preemption as a pretext for aggression.' Or individuals, either." Bateman, chagrined, responded, "Oh, shit. I'm cooked."
We have to break here for a commercial. When we return, the Incredible Vanishing Vice President performs his latest magic trick: making the public forget that the company he was CEO of before he became George Junior's running mate did a brisk business with Saddam Hussein. Deadline News doesn't like to spoil the trick for people, but we do advise viewers watch the Vice President's left hand very closely.
Stay with us...