Good evening. Our top story tonight: important American mid-term elections are going to take place in less than a week, and major media outlets are still not covering them.
In other news: the Kremlin continues to refuse to reveal the composition of the gas used to liberate the hostages in the Moscow theatre from their Chechen captors - those whom the Russians didn't liberate from their earthly woes, that is. As it stands, the hostage death match score is: Chechens 2, Russians 117. But, I digress. Experts have suggested that the gas may be an aerosol derivative of a common sedative such as Prozac, or possibly morphine or heroin. There is no truth to the rumour that megamall owners such as the Ghermezians and the Reichmanns are negotiating with the Russian government to get supplies of the gas to pipe into their stores in time for the Christmas shopping rush.
The first prisoners in America's War on Terrorism are being released. There is no truth to the rumour that each is given a commemorative gift that reads: "I was kept in a cage in Guantanamo Bay for eight months without access to a lawyer or my family, and all I was charged with was the cost of this lousy t-shirt!"
Several contestants will not be attending this year's Miss World beauty pageant being held in Nigeria because of that country's strict application of the Muslim law known as sharia. Nigeria has no plans to cancel the pageant, which will replace traditional swimsuits with a burqa competition and in which contestants will be asked to answer questions such as "Why is it always good to kill Infidels?" and "What is the best method of slaying a woman convicted of infidelity?"
In local news: Backbencher and former education minister John Snobelen has been taking heat for spending more time on his ranch in Oklahoma than in the Ontario legislature. Now, I know that many MPPs are trying to distance themselves from the legacy of former Premier Mike Harris, but this seems to be taking things to extremes!
In business news: Bank of Montreal chairman Tony Comper announced that the merger of BMO and the Bank of Nova Scotia that had been in negotiations for weeks wasn't going to happen because it had never really been approved by the federal government. Comper went on to announce his new plan: he intends to turn into a pony and fly away to the land beyond the clouds where all the children eat ice cream three times a day and never get sick.
No word yet on whether or not Prime Minister Jean Chretien will approve of the latest plan.
On the entertainment scene: Winona Ryder spent her 31st birthday in court, arguing that she did not shoplift clothes from a Beverly Hills store. Apparently, she was doing research for an upcoming film role. Sir Anthony Hopkins, on trial for eating a West Hollywood man's liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti, was heard muttering at his trial, "Damn, I wish I had thought of that defense!"
Somewhere, Lee Strasberg is spinning in his grave.
Former super-agent Michael Ovitz made history of a sort when he was voted off the island before Survivor: Hollywood Executive Edition even began. "We would have laid a beating on that sorry bastard," claimed Dreamworks SKG's David Geffen, "but he had a chartered helicopter to take him away - it was waiting just off the island." Geffen is the odds on favourite to be the next to be kicked off the island, followed closely by SKG's Jeff Katzenberg and AOL Time Warner's Jeff Case. At this rate, the 12 week show will lose all of its contestants in just under a week and a half.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: Donald "The Don" Rumsfeld got into a discussion with a reporter recently about whether or not the United States government lived up to an editorial cartoon. This was the wrong approach. The United States government is actually a living Dilbert cartoon. Well, that's my opinion, anyway.
And, finally: former Presidential candidate and TV commentator Pat Buchanan - who still does not bear an uncanny resemblance to Joseph McCarthy - responded to Canadian criticism of the American policy of questioning Canadians of Arab descent who travel across the border by claiming that Canada was a "complete haven for international terrorists" and calling the country "Soviet Canuckistan." One might have thought that MSNBC, the network on which he made these statements, had been flooded by the gas the Russians had used to end the standoff with Chechen hostage-takers, but, sadly, this was probably not the case.
Good night.