Our top story tonight: reaction to the release of the Romanow report on health care was swift. Alberta Premier Ralph Klein said: "The feds'll get control of this province's health care when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers." Ontario Premier Ernie Eves said: "Show me the money." The Quebec legislature was too busy celebrating the Alouettes' Grey Cup victory to comment. Globe and Mail pundits wondered, again, why the wealthy couldn't pay for better care and blamed those Crazy Canuck Communists for this sorry state of affairs (again). It would appear that the only fan of public health care is the public.
In other news: mysterious billionaire Gustav Graves is inviting some of the world's wealthiest people to an ice palace in the Arctic to unveil his new project, known only by its code name, Icarus. Speculation on what Icarus might be inclu - wait a minute! This isn't a legitimate news item! It's the set-up for the latest James Bond movie! Dammit - I hate when important plot information is conveyed to the hero through a fake news item. Listen up, screenwriters: I've got better things to do with my time than act as a cliched plot device! Use some creativity, will you?
In response to Premier Klein's warning that Canadian ratification of the Kyoto Protocol will force companies to reconsider their financial commitment to the oil patch, many companies are reconsidering their financial commitment to the oil patch. Unfortunately, since Prime Minister Chretien is determined to ratify the Protocol, Klein may have just talked his province out of a ton of jobs. If they hadn't already, I'm sure laid off oil patch workers are about to learn an important lesson about irony.
In a related story: The Canadian Coalition for Responsible Environmental Solutions has been revealed as a front for oil companies opposed to the Kyoto Protocol. Obviously, their first choice of name - The Canadian Coalition of Greedy Environment Raping Corporations - didn't have the same potential for broad public appeal.
Homeland Defense Secretary Tom Ridge told a press conference that he had no problem with the provision slipped into the Homeland Security Bill at the last minute that exempted pharmaceutical company Eli Lilly from legal action arising from the possibility that its vaccine thimerosol caused autism in children who used it. "Eli Lilly is part of the Homeland. This administration is Defending it. Case closed." Somebody should tell him that it was children - not their parents, who are voters - who are autistic.
Prime Ministerial Aide Francoise Ducros resigned after it was reported that she had called President George Junior a "moron." Obviously, she has just learned a valuable lesson about the difference between off the cuff and off the record remarks. Off the top of my head, I would say that the off with her head reaction was off the wall, but I have been accused of being off the beaten track. Uhh...I think I better get off the subject.
In a related story: American commentator Patrick Buchanan - who only looks like Joseph McCarthy if you squint real hard, but then the resemblance is uncanny - responding to the "moron" comment, stated that Canada was the "spoiled brat" of NATO. Well! I know you are, but what am I? Glad I could help raise the level of diplomatic discourse between our two great and - last time I checked - sovereign nations.
When asked by his history teacher why he hadn't submitted his report on Napoleon Bonaparte, sixth grader Jimmy Lazarus of Little Rock Arkansas replied, "Al Qaeda ate it!" Hmm. Are we, perhaps, giving the shadowy terrorist organization too much credit for its ability to affect events in the world?
Secretary of Defense Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld was recently named one of the 100 sexiest people alive by People magazine. I guess this gives new meaning to the phrase, "Is that a laser-guided long-range ICBM in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
Americans are a twisted people.
North American scientists are considering implanting stem cells from a human embryo into the embryo of a mouse. A spokesman for the Walt Disney Corporation immediately stated, "If they're successful, we will consider revising our policies on Mouseketeer Club membership."
Canada has added Islamic Dunciad to its list of outlawed terrorist organizations. In response, ID is considering changing its name. "Unfortunately," one representative of the organization said, "Hamas, Islamic Jihad and all the other really cool names are already taken."
Henry "Knight of the Living Dead" Kissinger has been tapped by the George Junior Administration to head the investigation into intelligence failures before 9/11. With a wink, Kissinger assured reporters that he would not authorize secret carpet bombing sorties against FBI headquarters.
Yes, Americans are a twisted people.
The federal government is setting up a shooting gallery. It costs $100 to play. At that rate, it will only take about 10,000 customers to pay for the National Gun Registry. Can somebody please tell me how I can get a $2 million government contract? Please?
Madame Justice Margaret Eberhard gave Benzoin Benjamin a 90 day sentence for Internet auction fraud. She told the student, who had expressed an interest in becoming a lawyer, that, "The most important asset that a lawyer has is integrity." Well, before he passes the bar, perhaps. After, the most important asset a lawyer has is a multimillion dollar house...a second home in the Riviera...a BMW...several Rolexes..."
I love jokes that write themselves. They give me more time to hone my skeet shoeing skills.
That hotbed of radical thinking, The Institute of Chartered Accountants of Ontario, has taken out full page newspaper ads opposing the government's plan to allow other accounting professionals to sign off on financial audits. Hmm...maybe being able to enter an LCBO outlet and ask for a 2-4 and an opinion on the deductibility of a new exercise wheel for my hamster isn't such a bad idea.
That hotbed of radical thinking, The Institute of Chartered Accountants of Ontario - I slay me.
A sunken tanker off the coast of Spain has caused a slick of 11,000 tonnes of oil. A shipwrecked freighter dumped some of its 4,000 car cargo off the Japanese coast. Now, all we need is a capsized boatload of people, and we could stage an underwater Lemans. Say...when is the next boatload of Haitian refugees scheduled to be turned back at the American border, anyway?
The Plain Action & Information Network praised President George Junior for being plain spoken. In response, a blushing George Junior said: "What can I say? I resignate with people."
Yes, Americans are a truly twisted people.
On the entertainment scene: judge Michael Kinsley admitted that he only looked at a fraction of the 400 submissions for the American National Book Awards. Shameful. Still...if, in future, the judges would like to give awards to unread books, might I suggest Zen and the Art of International Politics?
Ads for Jennifer Lopez' new film Maid in Manhattan call it "the best romantic comedy since Pretty Woman." This is supposed to make me want to see the movie? It's like saying the flu that's going around is "the best virus since ebola."
In an attempt to lure older players to its Sims franchise, Electronic Arts has created The Sims Hot Date, which features scenarios such as "love tub" and "cuddle couch." And, for next year's holidays, expect The Sims Hot Divorce, featuring scenarios such as "breaking the prenup" and everybody's favourite "ugly child custody battle."
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: with the ascendancy of personality journalism, editorial opinionizing is increasingly appearing in news stories. In this environment, devoting time specifically to an editorial seems to be a redundant...uhh, a redundant waste...of...umm...
Well, that's my opi - uhh, you know...
And, finally, Globe columnist John Ibbitson suggested that the federal government cut spending on academic research in the humanities and social sciences in order to increase military spending. Obviously, the possibility that Canada will become a parasite living off of American history, economics and political science research doesn't concern him. Still, would it be cynical of me to suggest that a nation deficient in these disciplines would be less likely to question the wisdom of pundits like...Globe columnist John Ibbitson?
Good night.