Good evening.
Our top story tonight: according to a new Eekmous poll, the number of Canadians who believe our relations with Swaziland are "bad," "really bad" or "god-awful stinky beyond repair" has increased from 1 to 1.8 per cent of the population. Researchers have no idea what these figures mean, but expect to see them on the front page of The National Post anyway.
In other news: at the same time as spending on the federal gun registry careened out of control, going from a projected $2 million to perhaps as much as $1 billion, the Canadian unemployment rate dropped (even as the American rate rose). Conspiracy or cunning? Only John Maynard Keynes knows for sure.
And, speaking of dead economists, a Senate committee has issued a report suggesting that the government allow two bank mergers to take place, leaving the country with three big banks. (That's the Canadian Senate, not the important one.) The report claims that, if done right, the mergers will boost competition. Keynes puts a comforting hand on Adam Smith's shoulder as Smith shakes his head in disbelief.
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein turned in his report, "What my nuclear and biological weapons researchers did on their summer vacation," to the United Nations. At the same time, he apologized to Kuwait for invading it, to the United States for forcing them to attack him the first time and to moviegoers everywhere for not doing more to stop the release of Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights.
Confession is good for the soul - wasn't it Joseph Stalin who said that?
Military exercises in Kuwait and bombing sorties over Iraq's no-fly zones - does the United States intend to fight Iraq regardless of what United Nations arms inspectors find? One White House official pooh poohed the idea, saying, "Our boys just had to find something to occupy their time now that the fourth season of The Sopranos has ended. And, speaking of which, isn't that Edie Falco something?"
This is a denial? Somebody should tell the American government that there is a difference between making a denial and being in denial.
Bob Graham, chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee (in the Senate that actually matters), said that the reason the American intelligence community did not predict the terrorist attack on New York and Washington was because "it was not properly postured to avert the threat of global terrorism against the population of the United States." What? Does the CIA slouch? Does the NSA have fused vertebrae? Senator Graham proves, once again, that plain-speaking politicians are not properly impostured in Washington.
Former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney took the opportunity of the 10th anniversary of the North American Free Trade Agreement to celebrate the unique bond between Canada and the United States. Unfortunately, the unique bond currently consists of a voice on an answering machine saying: "The Administration's only priority is war with Iraq. If you have any other business with the United States government, leave your name and number at the sound of the tone, and we'll get back to you some time in the year 2008." Hmm...it would appear that Canada has been sold out for a potted message.
In business news: President George Junior's nominee to replace Harry Pitt as head of the SEC, William Donaldson, stated, "restoring the confidence of investors and the integrity of the markets is the responsibility of us all." Somebody should take Donaldson aside and tell him that not only has that horse bolted through the open barn door, but it sired a few foals in the wild before being hit by a car, shot to be put out of its misery and sold to the glue factory.
Oh, and, Bill? Self-policing ain't no ways gonna resurrect her.
A couple of days after the nomination was announced, it was revealed that Donaldson has been named in a class action suit currently making its way through the courts. Apparently, he was long time Board member, Chair and CEO of Actrea, Inc., a company alleged to have engaged in fraud. This is the third time George Junior has nominated a person for high office who has been tainted by scandal - or, is it the fourth? Who can keep track? - I - I'm sorry. There's nothing funny left to say about this. My therapist calls it "comedy fatigue." I give and give and give on this issue until the laughter hurts, and I can give no more. We - uhh, the sessions are going well, I'm taking my meds, and I'm sure I'll be back to satirize this issue very, very soon.
On the entertainment scene: just in time for the holidays: Fine Animal Gorilla, an album of music written by a 140 kilo gorilla named Koko. The gorilla, who knows 1,000 words in modified American Sign Language, has indicated that it would like to sing on its next album. Already, major record label executives are touting Koko as "the next 500 pound gorilla of the industry." "Koko can't sing any worse than Britney," an A&M A&R guy commented. "If we got her to perform in short shorts and a tube top for the video, we've got guaranteed gold!" He also mentioned the possibility of a cross-over hit if Koko could be taught a few words of Spanish.
It's official. The recording industry is a zoo.
United States drug czar John Walters, responding to the possibility that Canada will decriminalize marijuana use, stated, "Some people seem to be living with the view of the reefer-madness seventies." Apparently, this was incorrect. The film Reefer Madness, to which Walters referred, was made in the 1950s. Furthermore, although taken up as a cult item in the 1970s, the film contained a very anti-drug use message. However, given the US' irrational attitude towards drugs, we're sure that the drug czar does not regret his error.
And, finally: Nostradamus predicted that "when the scandals align, there shall be much beating of breasts and gnashing of teeth, and strong men shall lie down with lambs, and the natural order shall no longer be taken by the unnatural waitress, but the wise man shall take comfort therein." Or, words to that effect. Hmm. The federal gun registry, the Ontario Conservative Party's expense accounts scandal and Toronto's computer purchasing scandal - could this Trifecta of political corruption signal the End of Days?
Naah. Nostradamus just should've cut back on the glue sniffing.
Good night.