Good evening.
Our top story tonight: according to a column in the Toronto Star, none of the intelligence officers on the city's Islamic desk speak or read Arabic. "If they were able to communicate in Arabic," one CSIS official told Deadline News, "how would we be able to trust them?" Hey, CSIS guy, what makes you think we should trust you?
In other news: an American bus driver was arrested after telling passengers impatient with the fact that he was lost that "I'm taking you to the Taliban!" He was fined $500 and lost his job. I am currently consulting with my lawyer to determine if I can afford to make a joke out of this...
The United States has made a preliminary assessment of Iraq's 12,000 page report on its weapons of mass destruction. It found that 347 of the approximately 480,000 ts were not crossed and fully 0.2 per cent (893) of the report's 421,000 is were not dotted. "This is very serious," President George Junior, barely able to contain his glee, stated, "but it's not enough to justify war. Get back to me when we've checked the other letters of the alphabet."
Canadian Deputy Prime Minister John Manley helpfully added: "Yeah. What he said."
Meanwhile, Foreign Affairs Minister Bill Graham praised the United States for being "extremely responsible" in working through the United Nations rather than acting unilaterally. Hmm...praise for working within the moral dictates of international law - by this standard, I should be praised because I didn't embezzle a million dollars from my bank today, I didn't drive while intoxicated and I didn't throttle any government Minister for his condescending ass-kissing. Where are my props?
And, speaking of American cooperation with the UN, the Iraqi report was given to the United States in violation of an agreement it would remain with UN weapons inspectors until screened for material others could use to make weapons. The official reason is that the United States has the best photocopying facilities. Sure. Like there are no Kinko's across the street from UN headquarters in New York.
The Information Awareness Office has issued a statement that, as a humanitarian gesture, bombs dropped on Iraq will be covered in happy faces. The White House is already drafting legislation exempting the IAO from paying royalties on the icon. Hmm...if this is the best they can come up with, maybe the American government shouldn't develop its own propaga - err, information awareness program.
Henry Kissinger has decided not to become chair of the committee investigating intelligence failures that didn't prevent the terrorist attack on the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon. He made this decision in order not to have to reveal his client list, which was required in order to ensure that he did not have a conflict of interest. "The large corporations and small countries who pay me to sway government policy in their favour are shy," Kissinger explained. As a result, President George Junior has had to recommend his second choice: a plate of broccoli. "The broccoli will probably be tougher than Kissinger would have been," an administration spokesweasel commented, "but we have a steamer on stand-by in case we need it."
President George Junior has authorized the deployment of the missile defense system defense system, the first components of which should be operational by 2004. When critics attack the defense shield on the grounds that it will deepen the international arms race or that it is scientifically unsound, the defense system defense system sends up flacks to confuse the incoming criticism and deflect it away from its target. Laser guided personal attacks are employed to pinpoint and eliminate criticisms that survive the first line of defense.
Catholic Cardinal Maradiaga of Honduras justified Pope John Paul II's resistance to removing Bernard Cardinal Law as Archbishop of Boston (who shuffled priests he had reason to believe were pedophiles between postings rather than driving them from the priesthood) by criticizing the secular media's treatment of the scandal. Good call. We all know how the epic poets, motivated by religious bigotry, made great sport of the Crusades. And, who could ever forgive the town criers of the Middle Ages for spreading hatred against the Inquisition? No, let us not put our trust in the immoral secular media. Better, instead, to trust a religious institution that appears to be unable to deal with child molesters it has given positions of authority.
Eyebrows were raised when it was discovered that Herb Dhaliwal drives a 345 horsepower Caddie Escapade. Somebody should point out to the National Resources Minister and Kyoto Accord supporter that you don't need an SUV to climb the Ottawa career ladder.
And, now, a Deadline News update: after reviewing the case of the bus driver arrested for making a joke about the Taliban, my lawyer has advised: "What the hell? Not much happens over the holidays, and, anyway, I charge by the hour." So, I won't be making a joke about this after all. As they truly say: in war, comedy is the first casualty.
British newspaper The Guardian characterized Canada as "a homely kind of girl" obsessed by the United States, the "town hunk" who lives next door. This looks like fun. Can I play? Let's see...Britain is the once hot babe who lives across the street who has settled into early old age very badly, the kind of woman who overdoes her makeup and understates her age by more than a decade. She so adores the American hunk that she throws herself at him every chance she gets and is prepared to do whatever he demands of her, no matter how demeaning. In fact, desperate to recapture the glory of her long faded youth, she is allowing herself to become the laughingstock of the neighbourhood even as she deludes herself that the hunk loves her and will be true to her.
What is the difference between my gross caricature of a nation and The Guardian's? Mine was intended to be funny.
In local news: according to auditor Erik Peters, at the same time as the Ontario government was trimming about $650 million from social programmes, it spent $663 million on consultants. This included: former civil servants hired back at their old jobs for twice the pay; a $3 million consulting contract that was twice as high as the lowest bid, and; a consultant who was paid $455,000 even though his fee had been capped at $25,000. I have an idea. Let all the people currently on Welfare call themselves consultants; before you know it, poverty in this province would be wiped out! Or, better, let them be MPPs and live off their expense accounts. Of course, if that ever happened, the government would probably quickly adopt a policy of zero tolerance for expense account fraud, but that would just be a bonus.
Don't you wish all governments engaged in this kind of innovative thinking?
During what one observer called a drunken dispute in the Ontario legislature, Labour Minister Brad Park shouted "You're a puke, you're a puke!" at an NDP MPP. Apparently, Park was not intoxicated; he thought "puke" was an ancient Celtic term for, "fine fellow who appreciates the holiday spirit." Hmm...maybe RIDE should expand to include the corridors of Queen's Park.
Ontario Minister for Oklahoma John Snobelen has finally ridden off into the sunset. Even before he resigned his seat, Snobelen was hard at work creating a crisis among the lazy cows on his ranch in order to get them to produce more milk.
In business news: did you hear the one about the financial commentator who thought he was an entertainer? Yeah - those who lost money following Brian Costello's financial advice didn't find the joke amusing, either.
Officers of insurance and finance company Conseco, Inc. expressed concern that they were only the third largest American company to declare bankruptcy. "Nobody will be able to catch WorldCom, of course," one Board member stated, "but we really thought we had a chance at second place. We were only a couple billion dollars of debt short..." Umm, don't you think that may have been the problem?
A dozen of America's top investment houses have agreed to pay fines totaling $1.4 billion rather than face a lengthy court battle over possible fraud. In return, they agreed to play nice with investors and asked them to please, please, pretty please return to the market. Ahh...perhaps this item would have been more convincing if I had placed before the item on Conseco.
There is no truth to the rumour that, as part of her move to morph into a multinational conglomerate, Jennifer Lopez will be offering skin and hair samples frozen in amber. "The possibility that Ms. Lopez' DNA could be found at dozens of crime scenes pretty much killed the idea," a representatives of Jenny From the Hood World Domination and Music Enterprises, Incorporated commented.
On the entertainment scene: in response to a protest outside our offices, the Deadline News Network has put an article back on our Web site that it recently removed. DNN spokesperson Jasha Marconi said that the article had flaws that needed to be corrected. The article, originally entitled "Deadline News coverage protested," listed the ways in which Deadline News twisted facts to support the upcoming war on Iraq. The reposted article, now called "The resurgence of top 10 radio," now lists the seven best recipes for Christmas pudding.
Can you stop your protests now, please? You're making it hard for me to get to my executive parking space!
By the way, there is absolutely no truth to the accusation that Deadline News supports a war in Iraq because we have spent over $100,000 setting up a bureau in the Middle East and giving our correspondents there combat training. Actually, the reason is much simpler: we've got this killer graphic, and we don't want the world to miss out on it!
NBC surprised a lot of people with its announcement that Friends would be picked up for another season. The series has been on the air so long that, if it had any basis in reality, by now it would be called Insensitive, Back-stabbing Enemies Pretending to be Friends.
Over 100 entertainers signed a letter urging the United States not to go to war with Iraq, inluding Tony Shalhoub, Mike Farrell and Martin Sheen, who plays President Jed Bartlett on TV's The West Wing. "My approval ratings may not be as high as Bush's," Sheen commented, "but my TV ratings are higher than his, and I don't have the power to appear on all three networks!"
CDs that include Bandlink software will track what users listen to when they use an Internet-enabled computer. But, this is only the beginning: the music industry intends to send somebody to your house to monitor what you listen to when you play pre-recorded audio cassettes. And, remember, kids, this is not an invasion of privacy - it's intended to help the music industry better serve your needs.
Lord of the Rings made a gazillion dollars in its opening afternoon. "If I had known pointy ears equaled box office success," exclaimed director Martin Scorsese, "I would have made hobbits one of the Gangs of New York!" "Are you kidding? I'm planning on an all-Orc sequel to Solaris!" quipped director Steven Soderbergh. The mind boggles.
It is true that George Clooney has directed a film based on Chuck Barris' memoirs as a game show producer and CIA assassin, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. There is no truth to the rumour, however, that the working title was: Gong...With Extreme Prejudice.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: a lot of ink has been shed over the renaming ("rechristening" doesn't quite seem the appropriate term) of City Hall's Christmas tree, which will now be known as a "holiday tree." Pundits are claiming a multicultural conspiracy to make Christmas disappear from public life. Hmm...let's see. Advertising with a Christmas theme started appearing on November 1. Christmas-themed muzak started being played in public places on December 1. Displays in stores with Christmas motifs started appearing two weeks before the holiday - sorry, before Christmas. Radio stations started playing Christmas songs two weeks before Christmas. Television stations started airing Christmas specials a week and a half before Christmas. Christmas parties have been going on for a week. Yes, clearly, Christmas is disappearing from public life. Somebody call Jack Bauer in to investigate this conspiracy!
Well, that's my opinion, anyway.
And, finally: he knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good. What's the difference between Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge and Santa Claus? The only people on Ridge's goodie list are defense contractors. You better not shout. You better not cry. You better not pout. Let me tell you why: Santa Claus doesn't have the power to detain people indefinitely without having to show probable cause.
Good night.