Good evening, and welcome to a Deadline News Special Report: The Mouse That Warred. I'm your host, Rex Veneer.
At 10:32 am Eastern Standard Time, Canada declared war on the United States of America. Canada quickly took control of all major American media outlets while Canadian troops surrounded the White House, Congress and other political centres in Washington.
"Dubya has nuclear and other weapons of mass destruction at his disposal," Prime Minister Jean Chretien explained. "A couple of weeks ago, he said he was prepared to use his nuclear weapons. He has already fought one war in which thousands of innocent civilians were killed, and it is an open secret that he hungers for another. Clearly, Dubya is a threat to world peace. Nothing less than regime change in Washington will ease the threat."
Chretien added that President Bush had lost the election by 500,000 votes, used intimidation tactics to keep those he expected to vote against him out of ballot boxes in Florida and was installed in power by a corrupt judiciary, all elements of a classic coup. He expressed the hope that once the immediate goal of regime change had been achieved, Canada could work with moderates in the United States to introduce democracy into the country.
Asked for a response to Chretien's speech, President Bush stated: "I'm busy planning war with Iraq - get back to me in six months on that one."
The war began when Canadian sleeper cells in Hollywood and New York were activated. Under the command of General James Carrey and General Michael Meyers, a steady stream of empty blockbusters and witless comedies from Hollywood was assured. Meanwhile, General Lorne Michaels was well positioned to ensure that nothing more challenging than toothless satire and pointless reality shows would be produced in New York. The purpose of these maneuvres was to distract the American population from the political realities that now faced the country and the world.
Business as usual? Perhaps...but, with a sinister twist.
At the same time as the media were being taken under control, Canadian tanks crossed the border and sped on their way to Washington. Apparently, the tank commanders told border guards that they were driving the latest thing - armoured SUVs. When asked about their military fatigues, unit commanders told border guards that they were going to a costume party. One small skirmish occurred when an east Indian officer was held up at the border and threatened with a strip search, but the Canadians decided to abandon him in the field - the first casualty of the war.
Pressed for word on whether or not he was prepared to step down, as the Canadian government had demanded, President Bush said: "Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Now, would you please leave me alone? I'm totally focussed on Iraq. I really don't have time for anything else right now."
Some are starting to question the Canadian government's motives for the attack, pointing out that an occupation could end such troubling behaviours as America's ongoing harassment of the Canadian lumber industry. "Oh, come on!" Prime Minister Chretien angrily responded. "Dubya only accepts United Nations resolutions when it suits his purposes - the rest, he just ignores! World Court rulings mean nothing to the US, and it has outright rejected the International Criminal Court. If the United Nations does not support the ouster of Dubya, what credibility will it have left?"
Still, critics aren't convinced. "This is another attempt by the Prime Minister to leave office with a legacy," one Parliamentary backbencher grumbled. "You'd think he would consult the Party before doing this sort of thing, but no! Outlaw campaign contributions, go to war with our nearest neighbour and largest trading partner - we're always the last to know!"
Experts agree that Canada had a short window of opportunity for the invasion. "After the UN weapons inspectors handed in their preliminary report on January 27th," explained military analyst Gwynne "Do Or" Dyer, "the United States would almost certainly go to war with Iraq. At that point, any attack on the US would be suicide. But, an invasion before then? Brilliant."
When prodded to comment, President Bush remarked, "Guard, will you please remove this...journalist? He refuses to accept the fact that I have a war to wage here - against Iraq!"
When this Deadline News Special Report: The Mouse That Warred continues: Canadians: who are they? What do they want? Are they serious? Are they insane? Are they seriously insane? Please stay with us...