Good evening.
Our top story tonight: De de doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. "Iraq has failed to comply with UN Resolutions, including 1441. De de doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. "Iraq has complied with UN weapons inspectors." De doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. "Iraq's proliferation of weapons of mass destruction poses a threat to international peace and security." De doo doo doo doo dooooooo. " "Further inspections and a realistic and vigorous timeline are sufficient." Doo diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle. "Iraq continues to be in material breach and should face serious consequences." Doo diddle diddle diddle diddle. "The military option should only be a last resort." Doo diddle diddle diddle diddle doo doo doo.
Dueling Draft Resolutions, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you so much.
In other war news: United States President George Junior continues to deny that he has made a decision to go to war. However, a senior diplomat from a member of the UN Security Council claims that an American official told him: "You are not going to decide whether there is war in Iraq. That decision is ours, and we have already made it... The only question now is whether the council will go along with it or not." President George Junior explained this apparent contradiction by stating that...umm...well, actually, he hasn't had to explain it because no journalist has asked him about it. Apparently, the White House press corps is more concerned with securing invitations to the Easter egg hunt.
Mmm...moral clarity is getting a little fuzzy around the edges. It doesn't help that the proposed resolution does not authorize war, but only talks - again! - about "serious consequences." I would suggest that the US and Britain be added to the "axis of weasels," but the brains of the entire editorial board of the New York Post would likely explode, and that city has already seen too much carnage.
Actor Larry Hagman accused President George Junior of being "a sad figure, not too well educated, who doesn't get out of America much. He's leading the country towards fascism." Hagman added that he isn't worried about the President's reaction, since "...he probably wouldn't understand the word fascism anyway." "Sure do," President George Junior responded. "Fascists are people who judge others by their facial features. It's lookism, pure and simple."
He's so much more fun when he's not reading from prepared speeches, isn't he?
And, speaking of anti-war sentiments poorly stated, in a heated moment, Liberal MP Carolyn Parrish said she hates "damn Americans" for their aggressive pursuit of a war in Iraq. Alliance Canada leader Stephen Harper suggested she resign, adding: "If enough Liberals are caught speaking their minds in private moments, we'll eventually become the government!" Sue, Steve. In 2050, maybe.
What shall we call the impending war in Iraq? Operation Just Cause has been used. Given President George Junior's unconvincing rationale for the war, perhaps it should be called Operation Just 'Cause.
Next door to Never Never Land. Around the block from Oz. Down the street from Wonderland. It can only be the American Imaginary. President George Junior claimed that a war against Iraq would lead to a Palestinian state. Meanwhile, back in the real world, the United States has given tacit approval to the State of Israel to step up its repression of Palestinians, including seizing control of a substantial amount of the Gaza Strip. The Imaginary also apparently has no room for memories of candidate George Junior ridiculing the Clinton administration for wasting time and effort trying to find a peaceful solution to the strife in the Middle East. Only in the American Imaginary could democracy in Palestine be kick-started by a war so many Arabs in the region don't want.
Wow. The power of self-delusion is really strong, isn't it?
In other war other news: The United States intends to award Bronze Stars for bravery to the four Canadian soldiers who were killed by an American pilot in Afghanistan. Somebody alert Webster's: being a hero is now defined as dying at the hands of an ally hopped up on drugs while on practice maneuvres. Still, you gotta admit: a little tin and a ribbon is a lot cheaper than settling a civil suit.
In other other news: Quebec Premier Bernard Landry called parents living in poverty who could not feed their children "birdbrains." Does this mean that he is admitting that social assistance in the province is "chicken feed?"
Ontario NDP leader Howard Hampton has called for an immediate investigation into reconstruction at the Pickering A nuclear power plant. Hampton claims it is three years behind schedule and $1.2 billion over budget. "Don't be silly," Premier Ernie Eves responded. "By the time they're three years over budget, most nuclear power projects are $2.7 billion over budget. We're actually getting a bargain!" When nobody laughed, a dour Eves promised an inquiry into the cost overrun.
Word to the wise, Ernie: leave the comedy to the professionals.
In local news: the University of Toronto is considering cutting back staff because it lost $400 million because of poor stock market investments. Explained UofT President Robert Birgeneau: "Live and learn."
Protesters are...uhh, protesting UofT's St. Michael's College's acceptance of a grant from Imperial Tobacco to help fund programme on corporate social responsibility. "We believe in hands on ethical training," a St. Mike's representative explained. "This certainly qualifies as a teachable moment."
Moral clarity appears to be waging a battle on many fronts...
On the entertainment scene: when Colin Powell presented his "evidence" against Iraq to the United Nations, a copy of Pablo Picasso's anti-war painting Guernica was covered up. "We weren't trying to ease his discomfort," Secretary-General Kofi Annan explained. "We were experimenting with the concept of negative space." Would you buy a used modern masterpiece from this man?
And, finally: when the war on Iraq starts, the American President will give the order. American fighter planes will drop American bombs on Iraqi electricity and water plants. (And, oh yes, civilians.) American tanks and American soldiers will kill tens of thousands of Iraqi men, women and children, injure hundreds of thousands and create millions of refugees. And, who, according to George Junior will be responsible for all this death and destruction? Saddam Hussein.
Moral clarity has left the building and was last seen boarding a bus to Memphis.
Good night.