Good evening.
Our top story tonight: the United States military will allow reporters on the front lines of the Iraq war in a process it calls "embedding." To appreciate how journalistic embedding works, we have a special report from Deadline News correspondent Chrissie Rainitpours. Chrissie?
"Rex, I'm currently reporting from deep inside General Tommy Franks' anus. It is a...dark...damp place - I'm afraid no amount of mousse is going to keep my hair from wilting. It is a tight, one might say permanently clenched place - I've already had to jostle with CBS and Fox News crews for a better view of the action. Still, Dan Rather, who did a stand-up remote here a couple of hours ago, told me that useful information does trickle dow - what? What was that rumbling sound? Our first briefing of the day? I'll have more on this situation as it develops. From Tommy Franks' anus, this is Chrissie Rainitpours for Deadline News."
Well...it's good to know that we have a reporter on top of the situation if the American army makes an ass of itself.
In other news: the Turkish government has dealt a blow to US war efforts in Iraq by not voting to allow US troops on Turkish soil. Although the yes side got 14 more votes than the no side, it still fell three votes short of the absolute majority required by the Turkish constitution for the resolution to pass. "This is outrageous!" shouted White House spokesman Ari "I Get Around" Fleischer. "How could we get more votes and lose?" Uhh, Ari, I'm sure your boss would be happy to explain how it works to you...
Ninety per cent of Turks oppose war with Iraq, so this can be seen as a triumph of democracy. Do you think the US, which claims to want democracy throughout the region, intends to pat Turkey on the back and congratulate it for a job well done? Are you expecting to see monkeys fly out of my butt?
Mmm...I sense a theme emerging. Clever.
Amazing disappearing Vice President Dick...Dick - what was his name, again? Ch...Ch...Chainlink? Close enough - has been missing from public view for almost five months. White House spokesman Ari "Seen Enough of Me Yet?" Fleischer said that there was no truth to the rumour that Chainlink's body had been frozen and placed next to Walt Disney's. "Everybody knows that the Walt Disney thing is just an urban myth," Fleischer explained.
And you thought the phrase "being on ice" was just a metaphor.
White House spokesman Ari "I'm Gonna Log More Onscreen Hours Than Letterman" Fleischer claims that the American government's goal in Iraq is disarmament and regime change. When asked why the US bothered to pursue disarmament if it intends to depose Saddam Hussein whether he disarms or not, Fleischer responded: "I'm glad you asked that question. By answering questions like that, I can demonstrate that this administration is not afraid of answering just those kinds of questions." People in the press gallery blinked and looked at each other. After a few uncomfortable seconds, a TV reporter in the front row tentatively suggested "International cooperation?" under her breath. "Yes!" Fleischer gratefully responded. "Yes! We're doing it to satisfy our allies. For some strange reason, they think disarming Iraq is important. Personally, I don't get it."
Well, obviously.
Also this week: Canadian Sea King helicopters are falling from the sky like flies; experts say it's only a matter of time before Ontario experiences electricity shortages (and, if you want to learn more, you can reach them at their condos in Florida), and; the Liberal MP who complained about "American bastards" appeared on the Mike Bullard show to joke about it. Unfortunately, we've filled the broadcast's news hole, so we won't be reporting on any of these stories. Better luck next time, guys.
On the entertainment scene: television viewers in four states are suing NBC for false advertising, claiming that its "Night of 1,000 Laughs" contained only 347 laughs, 102 guffaws, 9 chuckles and a couple of goofy grins. Moreover, Scrubs, a half hour show, accounted for fully half the laughs and three quarters of the guffaws, or the numbers for the evening would have been even more devastating. "We hope viewers in other states will join our class action suit," Gregory Shoortcutz, lead lawyer in the suit, said. "The trauma of being promised laughs that do not materialize is too - too - I'm sorry, but somebody's gotta pay." Despite the fact that seeking redress in the courts is the American way, NBC executives denied that the suit had any merit, adding: "Night of 347 Laughs, 102 Guffaws, 9 Chuckles and a Couple of Goofy Grins" just doesn't have the same appeal, you know?" Experts in entertainment law expect the case to be thrown out on the basis of the "Sweeps Week Exemption."
Is it just me, or is Anna Nicole Smith looking more and more like a character in a David Lynch movie?
Artists who oppose a war on Iraq are mounting The Lysistrata Project; they intend to present the ancient anti-war play in as many different venues around the world as possible. The play - about a city of women withholding sex from their husbands until they renounce war - may not be easy to update, however: have the producers never heard of Sex TV and The Playboy Channel?
CanWest Global chair Izzy Asper told the Commons industry committee that increasing foreign investment in Canadian broadcast networks would in no way affect Canadian culture. This is undoubtedly true in Global's case, since it never has contributed appreciably to Canadian culture. Step aside murderous orphans - we have a new definition of chutzpah!
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: proponents of the American war on Iraq claim that Canada must support it because the Americans are our friends (or, more ominously, because the US will hurt Canada economically if the country refuses). Listening to this propaganda, I couldn't help but remember the wise words of my mother, who used to say, "If your friends jumped off a bridge, bombed a defenseless people, killed thousands of civilians, ignited a war in the Middle East, increased the likelihood of terrorist attacks and destroyed the United Nations, would you?"
Well, that's her opinion, anyway.
And, finally: a moment of silence for Fred Rogers, who has moved into that big neighbourhood in the sky. His cardigans will be difficult to fill.
Good night.