Good evening.
Our top story tonight: President George Junior held a rare televised evening press conference. On Iraq's destruction of its Al-Samoud missiles, he said: "Saddam is making more. Not that my mind is made up." On the absence of evidence that Iraq has nuclear weapons: "Saddam has no intention of disarming. Not that my mind is made up." On the non-existent link between Iraq and terrorism: "Saddam's non-existent weapons could find their way into the hands of known terrorists. Not that my mind is made up." On war with Iraq: "My mind is made up. Not that my mind is made up."
In other news: a recent report claims the Bush administration's latest budget, made up largely of tax cuts for the wealthy, will result in a $1.6 trillion deficit. In response, White House Spokesman Ari "Get Your Gun" Fleischer said, "Look! Over here! Saddam! Evil! Must remove evil!" By the time he was done, the White House press corps had completely forgotten about the...uhh...non-Iraq news item, whatever it was. Wow - here's a man who knows how to stay on message!
British Prime Minister Tony Blair has suggested a compromise resolution at the United Nations that, among other things, would require Iraqi President Saddam Hussein to go on television dressed as Bozo the Clown and repeatedly state, "I have been a naughty, naughty boy." When it was pointed out that this presupposes Hussein has been a naughty, naughty boy, something he has consistently denied and nobody has been able to prove, Blair explained, "Devilish clever, ain't it?"
Hmm...seems to me Stalin liked to have his enemies confess before he executed them, too. Confession is good for the polls?
It was revealed that the United States has been monitoring the communications of delegates to the United Nations Security Council. So far, all they have discovered is that an attache in the Angolan consulate has a bootleg DVD of the Spider-man movie. Good thing the US is acting with moral clarity, because their attempts at blackmail don't seem to be working.
The federal Liberals have announced that the government will be giving the provinces $900 million for day care without setting up guidelines on how the money is to be spent. "I do not think I will be pulling any of my children off pickpocket duty," said a for-profit daycare operator known only as Fagin, "but, I think we will be able to afford to feed them a better quality gruel." Ontario Children's Services Minister Brenda Elliott hailed the federal government's move, saying it would give parents more flexibility in raising their children.
Quebec Premier Bernard Landry is in hot water again (although there is no indication if Tide is involved) over a remark he made at a PQ convention: "Don't talk to me about women's groups. I would rather meet the president of Sun Life." (BACKGROUND: Sun Life moved its headquarters to Toronto from Montreal when the PQ first came to power. No word on whether they would be interested in meeting Quebec women's groups.) Rumours have it that Landry would like to see men secede from the human race; even if this is true, both sides agree that they want nothing to do with Quebec Hydro.
The interrogation (nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more) of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed appears to be bearing fruit. According to Pentagon sources, he has named 237 accomplices in the terrorist attack on the US, including John Ashcroft, John Lennon, Jimmy Hoffa and Mickey Mouse. And, you thought torture in the name of freedom wouldn't be effective - shame on you for being so cynical.
White House Spokesman Ari "Can't Get Enough of Dat Man" Fleischer argued that if the United Nations did not authorize war against Iraq "from a moral point of view, as the world witnessed in Rwanda...the UN Security Council will have failed to act once again." When I pointed out that the United States was the major opponent of acting to stop the genocide in Rwanda, ensuring that the Security Council did nothing, Fleischer replied: "Yeah, sure, but you're a fictional journalist. Until a real journalist asks me about that, I stand by my statement."
Deadline News has decided to file a complaint against Fleischer with FJU, the Fictional Journalists Union, claiming his remarks were prejudicial to the interests of non-flesh and blood journalists everywhere. "Oh, yeah," FJU President Murphy Brown stated, "We're gonna nail Ari's patootie to the wall for this one!"
According to a recent poll, 63 per cent of Americans believe that the unnamed military dictator in the film Tears of the Sun is Saddam Hussein. Somebody better put a lock on the American Imaginary, because it appears poised to run amok.
There's no truth to the rumour that Broderbund Software is about to release a video game called Where In the United States is Richard Cheney? However, the White House has put in an order for 25 units just in case.
In sports: games were played and, as luck would have it, there were more winners than losers. Winners included: Pittsburgh versus Montreal, Detroit versus Tampa Bay and Chicago versus Ottawa. Losers included: Edmonton versus Toronto and Buffalo versus New York (take your pick).
Toronto Maple Leafs Darcy Tucker and Tie Domi were suspended for violent behaviour in a game against the Ottawa Senators. There is, however, no truth to the rumour that the Chretien government is planning on sending the hockey players to Baghdad as Canada's contribution to the war on Iraq.
On the entertainment scene: the CBC has started advertising its latest miniseries: The Last Chapter 2. Too bad there isn't a Gemini category for Most Oxymoronic Title, because this one's right up there with Ragnarok: The Sequel.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial by Dan: "Rowrf rowrf just cause bazfazz razmatazz traitorous French grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr grr grr nuke 'em back to the Stone Age!"
Well, that's Dan's opinion, anyway.
Does foam stain?
Fij Nischman, a 24 year-old tax consultant from Hoboken, was arrested at the Holy Peace Temple last night for assaulting Jack Ablution during a yoga class. "He was chanting 'Om' too loudly," Nischman claimed. "I couldn't concentrate." Ablution, in hospital for two cracked ribs and a broken nose, responded, "Bastard deserved it. He was flicking sweat in my direction." Priests at the Temple were too embarrassed to comment.
And, finally: the cafeterias of the House of Representatives no longer serve French fries or French toast - they are now freedom fries and freedom toast. In the future, hair stylists in Washington will be asked to give their customers "freedom braids," while Representatives making out with their mistresses will be advised to engage in "freedom kissing" and only use "freedom tickler" condoms. If you are wondering how a country that is so great in so many ways can engage in such petty behaviour, well, be careful not to ask the question too loudly, or your country, too, may be effaced from American discourse.
Good night.