No Comment Necessary: the association of owners of gas-guzzling cars is known as the International Hummer Owners Group - IHOG. Not that it matters, because THE UNITED STATES HAS CAPTURED SADDAM HUSSEIN!
How You Know The Internet Bubble Has Finally Burst: Jennifer Ringley, star of Jennicam for the last seven years, announces she will close down her pioneering voyeuristic Web site at the end of the year. Nobody cares because THE UNITED STATES HAS CAPTURED SADDAM HUSSEIN!
Should Have Read The Fine Print: Over a third of the Iraqis recruited for an indigenous police force resign, surprised at the low pay and the fact that people will actually be shooting at them. Despite the chaos, Americans sleep easily tonight because THE UNITED STATES HAS CAPTURED SADDAM HUSSEIN!
"From a hole in the ground where the Uptown Theatre used to be, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
As you may have gathered, the United States has captured Saddam Hussein. The question now is, well, Germaine Tims-Stimson tells us what the question now is in this report.
"The United States has, indeed, captured Saddam Hussein, and the question now is: what court will try Hussein for war crimes and crimes against humanity? The International Criminal Court was set up for just such occasions, but, oops, the United States has never recognized its authority. 'We haven't decided on the venue yet,' American President George W. Bush stated, 'but it will be commens...err...commonsur...uhh, on a par with the seriousness of Saddam's crimes.' Rumour in Washington is that Hussein will be tried on a special two hour edition of Judge Judy. From Tikrit, Iraq, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson reporting for The Irrational."
In other Saddam ne - what? But, we haven't even mentioned the head lice ye - okay. Apparently, there was news today that had absolutely nothing to do with THE UNITED STATES HAVING CAPTURED SADDAM HUSSEIN. Business reporter Monique Moosehead gives us a sample...
"American farmers are complaining that Ottawa's need to pay out $85 million to cover losses by the Canadian Wheat Board amount to an indirect government subsidy of Canadian farmers. When it was pointed out that the American government gives billions of dollars directly to American farmers, the American farm community hung its head, kicked the dirt sheepishly and replied, 'Aww, shucks, don't pay no mind to the subsidy behind the curtain.' This is Monique Moosehead, reporting from Washington."
Monique, do you think the capture of Saddam Hussein will have any affect on American agricultural policy in the coming years?
"Only if he applies for a subsidy for his prison tomato patch, Joe."
Okay, thanks, Monique. In other business news, could there finally be a resolution to Canada's lumber dispute with the United States? Monique Moosehead is back with this report.
"The United States has offered a new deal in the long-running softwood lumber dispute, one which the Canadian government is said to be taking very seriously. The new deal is essentially the old deal, but written on pink paper in a very nice script. 'I think this may be a winner,' said Canadian trade representative Mr. Magoo. 'Oh, yes, dear me, my oh my, yes.' This is Monique Moosehead, still reporting from Washington."
Monique -
"And, no, I don't think the capture of Saddam Hussein will have any affect whatsoever on this international trade dispute."
O...kay. Problems with their electricity supply have Ontarians wondering if this will be a white Christmas. Anson Bergecheck reports.
"Ontario Power Generation, with its horrendous time and cost overruns on a closed nuclear power generator at its Pickering station and the resignation of three of its key board members, seems to be giving Ontarians coal for Christmas. 'Coal? Did somebody say coal? How much? Is it a lot? How many kilowatts per hour can we get out of it? Come on, work with me here! Not that we're desperate or anything...' Alexei Transitoff, a desperate OPG security guard, stated. This is Anson Bergecheck reporting from Toronto."
Anson, how is this story affected by the capture of Saddam Hussein?
"Joe, it has nothing whatsoever to do with the capture of Saddam Hussein."
Oh. Well, that's...uhh...okay. Thanks. He stands tall against accusations of racism against his police officers. Clint Eastwood? Naah. As Kirk Mackerel reports, it's just Julian Fantino. Again.
"The day after Toronto police chief Julian Fantino stated he would never allow video cameras in his officers' cruisers, a videotape made by a private citizen showing a constable beating a young Somali immigrant was released. After having had an opportunity to see the video, Fantino said: 'You get it now?' This is Kirk Mackerel reporting from Toronto."
Kirk, any idea if half of the officers are going to resign?
"The situation is nowhere near that serious, Joe."
But, that's what happened recently in Iraq...
"I hardly think Toronto can be compared to a country at war, Joe."
Something to keep in mind, Kirk. Thanks. Well, an old friend is set to retire, but, as Jason Petersburgovitz reports, there probably won't be a party.
"The Israeli government announced that it will be discontinuing using the popular Uzi submachine gun. In response, P. Diddly, a representative of the LA street gang the YungBluds, stated: 'This is a sad day, indeed.' When it was pointed out that Israel would continue to produce the guns for export, the YungBluds held a 21 gun salute to celebrate. Five people were killed and seven wounded."
Speaking of violence, Jason -
"No, Joe, the capture of Saddam Hussein isn't likely to end the violence in Iraq. He probably hasn't had a hand in planning attacks on coalition forces for at least six months. Clearly, they are being planned and undertaken by autonomous forces. And, if it comes to that, Hussein's capture probably won't have any affect on violence in Los Angeles, either."
Wow. You read my mind.
"Just good reporting, Joe. Just doing my doing job."
This is why we're the most respected newsgathering organization in the country. It'd be nice if that translated into more viewers, but...
Titles are empty honours, but, as empty honours go, they're one of the best. Letitia Tendentious reports.
"Mick Jagger has been given a knighthood. This is a signal that the British establishment has finally loosened up...at least, I hope that's what this signals, because the alternative is just too horrible to contemplate. From London, this is Letitia Tendentious reporting."
Letitia, were you aware that Israel had a plot to kill Saddam Hussein?
"Sure. They want to kill everybody in the world."
Oh. How about that President Bush wants Hussein to get the death penalty?
"Of course. He wants everybody in the world to get the death penalty."
Oh.
"Besides, shouldn't Hussein be tried before a sentence is passed on him?"
Arts reporters! No sense of political reality. Speaking of which, Jian Gezundheight has another arts story for us.
"Salter Street Films is being closed by its owners, Alliance Atlantis Communications, because the producer of such shows as Codco, Blackfly and This Hour Has 22 Minutes was not generating enough revenue for the parent firm. Alright! Taking over a rival production company and shutting it down - clearly, the Canadian cultural industry has arrived on the world stage. For The Irrational, this is Jian Gezundheight - who has no opinion one way or the other about Saddam Hussein - reporting from Halifax."
What did I say about arts reporters?
The most sacred of American rituals - promotion during the Superbowl game - has no limits. Or, does it? Roving reporter Buffy reveals all.
"Fourth down. Twenty-seven yards to go. A minute left in the game and down by six, DaimlerChrysler fumbles when it decides to pull its sponsorship from 'Lingerie Bowl 2004,' a Super Bowl halftime show where 14 models wearing bras and panties play tackle football. 'We were blindsided by the criticism,' a representative of the company commented. 'We could try a Hail Mary pass, but, you know, we've decided to set our sights on the next game.' I could string another few football cliches together - changing the coach comes to mind - but I think it best to take a time out from this story. Returning my very expensive one piece to a chi chi boutique on Rodeo Drive in Los Angeles, this is Buffy."
Buffy, do you think -
"Joe, why are you so obsessed with the capture of Saddam Hussein? Canada wasn't even involved in the war in Iraq."
Ah, youth. Your naivete is almost charming.
"Yeah? Whatever."
T-Rex Murphy is a man who knows how important historical events impact our everyday existence, as he shows with this report.
"So, the United States has finally captured Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. On the video, he looked like your befuddled grandfather who had been sent to a home years earlier where he had been completely neglected. If the home was a hole in the ground. And the orderlies let your grandfather have automatic weapons and a crate with $750,000. Evil may be banal, but it does seem to pay well. Hussein, who vowed never to be taken alive, was captured without a shot being fired, but the official story will claim that dozens of American soldiers dodged a hail of bullets to get to him. Expect the made-for-television movie in six months. For The Irrational, this is T-Rex Murphy commenting in front of a blue screen of...somewhere in the desert."
Later in the broadcast, a special segment on the capture of Saddam Hussein: biggest news story of the new millennium, or just this year?...