It's an Oxy, Moron: legislation intended to return locked out Catholic school board teachers in Ontario contains a stealth measure that would force them to engage in after school activities. As Orwell might have said, "volunteerism is mandatory."
Raising Tacks: According to Premier Ernie Eves, Ontario will conduct its own investigation into the SARS outbreak in Toronto. Carpet and broom industry insiders are ecstatic.
Hip to Be Squire: is post-post-modernism just pre-modernism with funkier jargon? Ask civilians in Afghanistan...Iraq...most of China...most of Africa...
"From an undisclosed location just north of Steeles, this is The Irrational, with Joseph Anchor."
An Ontario court has declared the Canadian ban on same sex marriages unconstitutional. However, unlike other recent court decisions which came to the same conclusion, this decision has given the federal government no time to submit new legislation on the issue. Is the sky falling? Bryson Pecobia reports.
"The Ontario Court of Appeal has ruled that not allowing gays to marry is discriminatory, effectively making same sex marriages legal in Canada. Looking up, I notice that, yes, indeed, the sky is still there above our heads. Alberta Premier Ralph Klein said he would invoke the notwithstanding clause of the Constitution to override this and future court decisions on the subject. Will Klein's draft resolution read: 'Notwithstanding that a majority of Canadians accept same sex marriages, the legislature of the province of Alberta proclaims our right to be bigoted Neanderthals?' Somehow, I doubt it. Reporting from Calgary, this is Bryson Pecobia."
The woman in charge of releasing information under Ontario's freedom of information act has been fired. Was she doing her job too well? We have this report from...Bryson Pecobia?
"Rita Reynolds, Toronto's director of corporate access and privacy, was recently fired after criticism of her release of information about such things as the MFP computer leasing scandal and the Union Station contracts. 'She was not a team player,' senior City Hall staff complained. 'She dropped the ball when she thought she could call the plays. She blindsided us in more than one game, and she had to be sent to the showers.' Hmm...could her firing be a Hail Mary pass attempt to whitewash reputations before the next municipal election? For The Irrational, this is Bryson Pecobia reporting from Toronto."
Who was the best Prime Minister Canada has ever had? Somehow, I don't think my favourite - Mackenzie King - made the cut. For a report, we go to Bryson Pecobia in - how can he be in Ottawa when his last report was from Toronto? Yes, I know he is a go-getter - yes, I admire his grooming, too, but - right. Okay. Here's his report.
"Questions are starting to swirl around a poll released last week which showed that Brian Mulroney was the second best Canadian Prime Minister behind Lester B. Pearson. First, it was revealed that the survey was conducted by Hugh Segal, a former Mulroney chief of staff, and L. Ian Macdonald, his former speech writer. Now, it turns out that the 30 people polled for the survey were relatives or former employees of Mister Mulroney. Given the skewed nature of the survey, it's a sad comment that Mulroney couldn't come in better than second! For The Irrational, this is Bryson Pecobia reporting from Ottawa."
Okay...okay. Here it comes. Yes...yes, I have a good feeling about - no. Sorry. Still nothing about the Conservative leadership race. Better luck next time.
In international news, the road map to peace in the Middle East appears to be developing potholes from intensive mortar fire and suicide bombings. Bryson Peco - what? Is he an expert in foreign affairs, now? No, I don't think this can wait until after the broadcast. How can - yeah, yeah. Smart guy, good grooming. Bryson Pecobia reports.
"United States President George Bush condemned Israel's helicopter gunship attack on a senior Hamas leader in Gaza City, saying that such attacks could not be justified as a defense against terrorists. In response, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon stamped his little feet and pouted, 'How come the US can preemptively attack anybody it wants in the name of its national security, but I can't?' Obviously, the world is still learning to parse the current administration's foreign policy: Doublethink. However, I understand that there is a room, 101, available at Guantanamo Bay for those who would like to learn...
"And, speaking of aggression erroneously referred to as self-defense, two months after the end of the war in Iraq, the United States has still not found any weapons of mass destruction, throwing its rationale for the war into question. According to White House spokesman Ari "Nobody Works a Room as Well as I Do" Fleischer, this is not a problem: 'We got rid of a bad guy, so what's the big todo? Besides, if need be, we plan to extensively search Middle Earth, Oz and Erehwon until we find Saddam's weapons of mass destruction!' If any of the reporters in the room knew that none of these places actually existed, they made no mention of it. Reporting from Jerusalem and Washington, this is Bryson Pecobia for The Irrational."
Oh, now, that's really too much! How can he be reporting from two places at the same time? Yes, I understand he's a really enterprising reporter - yes, I agree that he's well groomed, but sti -
Okay, okay, you're the producer.
After 19 years of being the Canadian Rush Limbaugh, a legend has been abruptly removed from the airwaves. Bryson Pecobia - why am I not surprised? - has this report.
"Radio personality Rafe Mair was fired by host station CKNW for allegedly swearing at his female producer. We would like to broadcast Mair's response, but this is a family programme. From Vancouver, this is Bryson Pecobia."
After decades of worrying about the threat of Quebec secession, Canada may be destroyed by disaffection in...Ontario? You know who reports.
"The last hold-out in the Bash Ottawa and Confederation Sweepstakes, Ontario, has now made its entry. Health Minister Tony Clement had warned Ottawa that if it doesn't pony up $500 million to help the province cope with the fallout from SARS, the people of Ontario will stop thinking of themselves as Canadians. Well, I have news for you, Tony: I live in Ontario, and my Canada includes me! Back in Toronto, this is Bryson Pecobia, reporting for The Irrational."
I'm not saying a word...
Later in the broadcast, Ontario Environment Minister Chris Stockwell says he'll resign if the provincial integrity commissioner decides it was wrong of him to allow Ontario Power Generation to pay thousands of dollars of his European vacation expenses while he was energy minister. We'll investigate 37 ways Stockwell can weasel out of this promise, including creative new definitions of the words "integrity," "wrong" and "resign." Hmm...I can't wait to find out who will be reporting on that story...