Sno Cone No Go Zone: after extensive analysis by British experts, the trailers the Bush administration touted as Iraqi chemical weapons producers are actually discovered to be ice cream trucks. "Boy, do we have jamoca almond fudge on our faces!" an imaginary government representative, more honest than actual White House staff, stated.
If You Have To Ask the Price...: a Canadian is accused of illegally selling arms, including attack helicopters, antitank missiles, hand grenades and Kalashnikov assault rifles to Jordan and Pakistan. "I thought the American government was in favour of privatization," he remarks.
They Know Talent When They See It: short films featuring Adam Sandler's dog, Meatball, appear on the putative actor's Web site. They attract more viewers than Mister Deeds.
"This is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
While there appears to be no American response to Canada's export of wooden actors to that country, exports of our actual wood seems to give them fits. Irrational trade reporter Monique Moosehead reports.
"Canada has won a major victory at a North American Free Trade Agreement trade disputes tribunal, which has ruled that the country does not illegally dump cheap softwood lumber on the American market. 'I hope this is the end of the issue,' a representative of External Affairs stated. The United States has indicated, however, that it will appeal the ruling. From Ottawa, this is Monique Moosehead reporting."
What is your privacy worth? Wouldn't you like to know. Less than it used to, if a Parliamentary committee has its way. Rahul Festrunk has this report.
"Canadian Privacy Commissioner George Radwanski is being investigated by a Commons Committee after complaints that he had a high, squeaky voice and his clothes were 30 years out of date. 'Sure, he was doing a great job making the public more aware of government threats to privacy,' an MP on the committee who preferred to remain anonymous, 'but those jackets - really! They were an affront to Parliament!' Rumour on the Hill is that several members of the committee would like to see Radwanski replaced by a small block of plastic. 'Something soft and malleable works for me,' the anonymous committee member added. From Ottawa, this is Rahul Festrunk reporting."
The Chretien government has found itself having to consider American concerns on such pressing security matters as...marijuana law reform. For the latest, we go to Irrational international relations Subaru Debutante in Ottawa.
"The Chretien government has tabled legislation that makes it a criminal offence for anybody to cough southwards within 100 kilometres of the American border. Chretien denied that the bill was introduced to pacify Americans who are hyperconscious about Canada's refusal to join their little adventure in Iraq. "The benefits to Canadians should be obvious," he told reporters outside the Commons, the mask he was wearing actually improving his enunciation. The proposed bill budgets $10 million for the printing of a pamphlet that shows people living in border cities how to orient themselves so that they always face north while sick. Hunh - some legacy. This is Subaru Debutante, reporting from Ottawa for The Irrational."
Did we think the softwood lumber dispute had ended? Obviously, we spoke too soon. Irrational trade specialist Monique Moosehead reports.
"Canada has won a major victory at a World Trade Organization disputes tribunal, which has ruled that the country does not illegally dump cheap softwood lumber on the American market. 'I hope this is the end of the issue,' a representative of External Affairs stated. The United States has indicated, however, that it will appeal the ruling. From Geneva, this is Monique Moosehead reporting."
And, now...wait for it - yes, yes, I think we'll finally be reporting on the Conservative leadership con - what? They chose a leader a couple of weeks ago? Oh...who won?
The position of government spokesperson is critical if an administration is serious about ensuring that its disinformation is swallowed whole by a gullible and accommodating press and passed uncritically to a preoccupied public. As Irrational correspondent Eldred Cleavuntoer reports, the White House believes it has found a permanent solution to this problem.
"White House representatives say the President is considering replacing outgoing spokesperson Ari 'Outgoing? I'm Positively Effusive!' Fleischer with a modified Phrasealator. The Phrasealator is a handheld electronic device programmed to bark out 1,000 different phrases in the language of a country you're invading. For example, in Iraq, it contained such phrases as: 'We come in peace - don't move or I'll shoot!', 'I cannot give you any water - please go away, now,' and the ever useful, 'Put that ancient urn down on the ground and slowly walk away from it!' Used in White House press briefings, the Phrasealator could be programmed to say such things as: 'The President has already made his position on that issue clear,' 'The Secretary of Defense has already made the administration's position on that issue clear,' and the ever useful, 'Put that ancient urn down on the ground and slowly walk away from it!' The inability to answer questions that weren't anticipated and programmed into the Phrasealator in advance, a liability in an occupied country, is considered by the White House to be the gadget's biggest selling point. This is Eldred Cleavuntoer, reporting for The Irrational from Washington."
One of the pioneers of television news has died. Eloise Tendentious has a sensitive and compassionate report.
"Television news pioneer David Brinkley has died at the age of 82. He was, of course, half of NBC's respected Huntley and Brinkley anchor te - OH, MY GOD, GREGORY PECK DIED! ATTICUS FINCH! DEAD! AND...AND THAT EVIL GUY FROM MARATHON MAN! WOE BETIDE FILM AND THEATRE - WE'LL NEVER SEE AN ACTOR OF HIS LIKE AGAIN! NEVER! EVER! ... Uhh, yeah, David Brinkley was kind of important, too, I guess... From New York, this is Eloise Tendentious reporting."
The problem with road maps is that they are devilishly difficult to fold up once you've consulted them. And, like the back page of Mad Magazine, how you fold them can determine what you see in them. T-Rex Murphy explains in this commentary.
"In the wake of Israel's attack on Gaza City and reprisal Palestinian suicide bombings, United States President George W. Bush pled with the free world to help make his road map to peace in the Middle East succeed. Would this be the same free world he poked in the eye by attacking Iraq without its consent? I suppose the free world has another eye, but it doesn't have the largest economy or military in the world, so it's hard to see what Bush thinks it can do that the US can't. Maybe teach the Israelis and Palestinians to blink? For The Irrational, this is T-Rex Murphy."
Just when you thought it was safe to sell softwood lumber, along comes another challenge. Could this be the end of the road? Irrational trade specialist Monique Moosehead reports.
"Canada has won a major victory with god, who has ruled that the country does not illegally dump cheap softwood lumber on the American market. 'I hope this is the end of the issue,' a representative of External Affairs stated. The United States has indicated, however, that it will appeal the ruling, although to whom is not clear at this point. From Heaven, this is Monique Moosehead reporting."
Later in the broadcast: recent research has discovered that the human genome is 98.8 per cent the same as that of a chimpanzee. Yet that 1.2 per cent difference accounts for human language, technology and Viagra chewing gum. Isn't science wonderful...?