Put Yer Ya Yas Back: The Rolling Stones agree to give a concert in Toronto to boost the city's morale in the wake of the SARS outbreak. Geritol and Viagra are expected to be sold at concession stands. There is no truth to the rumour, however, that the band will be calling the visit their "Adult Nappies" Tour.
Difficult Choices: Ontario Environment Minister Jim Wilson says people should not barbecue on days with heavy smog in order to alleviate some of the dangerous pollution's effects. Alberta Premier Ralph Klein says this is an eastern Canadian plot to limit beef consumption after a single steer was diagnosed with mad cow disease. Left-wing critics are divided over which pol is the juiciest target for ridicule.
Another Reason To Hate the French: a clampdown on Mojahedeen-e-Khalq offices in Paris results in 150 arrests and the seizure of $8 million, 200 satellite dishes and 100 computers. Unfortunately, the US government does not support moves against the organization, even though the State Department has had it on its list of terrorist groups since 1997, because the group's main target, Iran, is shaping up to be America's next target. Apparently, the French take the war on terrorism seriously...
Another Reason to Pity the British: British soccer/football/whatever star David Beckham has been sold by Manchester United to Real Madrid, making the film Bend It Like Beckham largely obsolete. 'It's still a charming multi-ethnic coming of age story with a female twist,' director Gurinder Chadha protested. 'Isn't it?'
"This is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
One of Canada's greyer media outlets is recognizing that the country is changing. Jason Petersburgovitz reports.
"The Globe and Mail's 12 part series on 'The New Canada' is winding down. The series, which focuses on Canadians under 30, may prove to be a great pubic service, since it means the Globe's aging readers won't be forced to actually talk to their children to find out what's going on in their lives. This is Jason Petersburgovitz in Toronto."
The series is even more remarkable when you consider that many of the Globe's columnists and editorial writers prefer Canada Classic.
What is Canada's proper relationship with the United States? Ian Hawdogoatsing reports on this eternally vexing question.
"Foreign Affairs Minister Bill Graham has suggested that Canadian politicians stop taking gratuitous pot shots at the United States. When asked if it would be Americans who would determine what was a gratuitous insult and what was legitimate criticism, Graham retorted, 'You see? That's exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about!' For The Irrational, this is Ian Hawdogoatsing"
Hmm...maybe it would be best if Graham didn't watch the rest of this broadcast...
Afghanistan is quickly descending into chaos controlled by battling warlords and Iraq, whose infrastructure is pretty much toast, is fast becoming a deadly quagmire. You would think the United States has enough on its plate. But, as Irrational war correspondent Germaine Tims-Stimson reports, you would be wrong.
"United States President George Bush said that the international community must make clear to Iran that 'we will not tolerate' the country acquiring nuclear weapons. 'Saddam has been a threat to his own people in Iran and is now a threat to the entire world,' the President added. Gee, the President's speeches have really gone downhill since David Frum quit, haven't they? Meanwhile, the United Nations, which suffers from the delusion that it is actually the legitimate voice of the international community, said, 'Hunh?' Meanwhile meanwhile, Foreign Affairs Minister Graham rolled his eyes in disapproval. In Washington, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson."
Have we finally run out of roadmap jokes to describe the American response to the Arab-Israeli conflict? We may or may not find out in this report from Subaru Debutante.
"The United States is putting pressure on Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas to end Hamas terrorism. "What's the point of installing a cooperative leader," American Secretary of State Colin Powell sniveled, "if he doesn't cooperate with you?" Rumours in the Beltway are that if the attacks on Israel continue, Abbas will be replaced by Olav Fenderstratter, a Swede whose main qualification is that he once visited Jordan.
"Meanwhile, in another detour on the road map to peace, the first illegal Jewish settlement has been dismantled. The settlement amounted to an abandoned trailer in Scarborough. Yes, that Scarborough. 'Our settlements are a little more dispersed than we had originally lead people to believe,' Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon chuckled. At the rate they are being taken apart, the settlements should be completely gone the day after the Messiah declares judgment on the human race. From Jerusalem, this is Subaru Debutante reporting."
If he's watching, I'd be surprised if Foreign Affairs Minister Graham doesn't have a stroke after that report.
Who determines what you watch, where and when? Arts reporter Eloise Tendentious tries to figure some of it out for you in this report.
"The Canadian Association of Broadcasters (CAB) has complained to the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) that the Canadian Cable Television Association's (CCTA) application - geez, Luise, this sentence is long and I haven't even begun to approach the point, yet. Let me start again. The CAB has complained to the CRTC that the CCTA's application for permission to carry major American networks on the digital level of Canadian cable is a cash grab motivated solely by greed. By way of comparison, when the broadcasters lobby the federal government for reductions in Canadian content quotas (which many of them will, in any case, not fulfill), they are doing it, bien sur, to strengthen Canadian programming. You know what the saddest part of all of this is? The broadcasters and cable companies imagine themselves living in an episode of Traders when, in reality, the world they inhabit is closer to Pee-wee's Playhouse. Reporting from Ottawa for The Irrational, this is Eloise Tendentious."
Former Irrational reporter Bryson Pecobia has opted for a unique form of contrition for his plagiarism and lies: abuse. "Ha, ha, suckers!" he is reported to have said. "I sure showed those tight-assed [BLEEP]s at MotherCorp! Yee haw!" As part of his penance, Pecobia has signed a contract to write a novel based on his experience - tentatively titled Pants on Fire - and there is already talk of a TV movie based on the book. Who says bad journalism doesn't pay?
And, now, The Irrational's irrepressible correspondent T-Rex Murphy talks about...whatever it is that he wants to talk about...
"Evil stalks society's most vulnerable. Our children. When it doesn't kill them outright, it leaves them with scars that will never heal, with memories they will never be able to shake, no matter how long they live. You may think your children are safe, that your family is secure, but, even if it doesn't happen to you or somebody you love, it affects us all. I'm talking, of course, about...child poverty? No way! I was talking about isolated cases of child molestation and murder. Child poverty? Feh! That's not my problem! For The Irrational, this is T-Rex Murphy in - you don't need to know where I am!"
Hee hee. He's such a scamp.
Later in the broadcast: Privacy Commissioner George Radwanski resigns amid allegations that he abused his expense account. MPs polish their excuses for their own excesses, even though the odds given by Los Angeles bookmakers that the pols will actually have to use them are a million to one and rising...