Friends Don't Let Friends Govern By the Numbers: a recent poll shows that two out of three Canadians hold an unfavourable view of United States President George W. Bush. But, that's just because the other third don't know anything about him.
Friends Don't Let Friends Talk To Foreign Media: Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi compares a German politician to a Nazi prison guard and doesn't understand why there is an uproar in the press outside of Italy. "Maybe I should buy some TV networks across Europe," the mogul muses.
Friends Don't Let Friends Publish Magazines: after 30 years of poorly informing its readers, The Report, formerly The Alberta Report, ceases publication. Where will the Canadian nutcase right turn to for its regular dose of prejudice and irrationality? (I mean, other than The National Post...oh, okay, and the Sun newspaper chain...and Baton Broadcasting...)
"From down the street and up your way, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
A Canadian city has been awarded the Olympics, and - get this! - it isn't Toronto. Pallas Athena has this report from Vancouver.
"While many in British Columbia are jubilant that the 2010 Olympic games are coming to Vancouver/Whistler, others are wondering how a province that intends to cut off welfare benefits for close to 40,000 people can afford the estimated $1.2 billion the province will have to contribute. 'Ea -' (That figure does not include the inevitable cost overruns, for which the province is on the hook.) 'Ahem - easy,' said BC's putatively Liberal Premier Gordon Campbell. 'We'll use the poor as filler in the Vancouver to Whistler highway renovation. Okay, human bodies are softer than our usual paving materials. On the other hand, they breath a lot better, so we may be able to cut down on future repairs. Poor people off welfare and performing a useful public service - talk about a win-win situation!' This is Pallas Athena reporting for The Irrational."
Also out west, a prominent politician was hit with a suspect confectionary. General annoyance reporter Jason Petersburgovitz, uhh, reports.
"Alberta Premier Ralph Klein was hit with a pie at his annual Calgary Stampede breakfast. 'You can't let people like this get away with stuff like that,' Klein justified his pursuit of charges against the pier, 'because if it's a pie today, it could be something else tomorrow.' Activists have denied that they are considering moving from pies up to crostatas, but a suspicious shipment of tortes has been stopped at the American border. If this escalates, there is no telling what the effect on the Premier's cholesterol levels will be. From Calgary, this is Jason Petersburgovitz reporting."
On Sunday Reports on NewsWeird, Wendy Miserly will look at the strategic use of chocolate mousse and other high calorie confections to embarrass politicians in a report called "Operation Dessert Storm."
Still out west - hmm...must have been a slow news week in Ottawa - the environment came under renewed attack, as, uhh, environment reporter Indigo Skye, umm, reports.
"In justifying renewed logging in BC's old growth forest, the habitat of the endangered spotted owl, Ted Holtby, general manager of Cattermole Timber, said, 'We believe that...our logging may actually improve [the forest]. It will open up the stand, and the birds will fly around a little better.' The birds flying around isn't the issue, Ted - the question is whether or not they will have anything other than stumps to land on.
"In a related story, Mother Nature is considering suing Holtby, claiming his comments reflected negatively on her forest management skills. 'I managed BC's forests for millennia without the logging industry's help,' Mother Nature stated in a press release, 'and the birds never complained once!' Reporting for The Irrational, this is Indigo Skye, somewhere in the middle of a bunch of trees."
Can the provinces put aside their partisan bickering to save Canada's ailing health care system? As Sylvia Ferberance reports, the prognosis is not good.
"Premier Ralph Klein has announced that Alberta will not participate in the federal-provincial health council, which would oversee how the provinces spent federal health care money. How does he respond to accusations that this is a strange attitude for a politician who has always campaigned on the theme of fiscal responsibility to hold? 'Uhh, can we see that footage of my pieing at the Calgary Stampede again?' This is Sylvia Ferberance reporting from Ottawa."
Iraq. Again. War correspondent Germaine Tims-Stimson.
"United States President George W. Bush has been quoted as saying, 'There are some [in Iraq] who feel like that, you know, the conditions are such that they can attack us there. My answer is, bring 'em on.' Apparently, Bush's first choice for a taunt, 'Make my day,' was vetoed by Karl Rove for being too inflammatory. Those who wonder when the US is going to say 'Hasta la vista, baby,' to Iraq will be waiting a long time.
"But, that's what you get when you confuse reality with a cheap western. You want your country to be led by Harry Truman, you get Dirty Harry. From Washington, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson reporting for The Irrational."
Iran. Still. Hell, always. Eldred Cleavuntoer reports.
"US Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld has warned Iran that it will not be allowed to keep troops inside the Iraqi border, saying that the country was 'obviously not being respectful of Iraq's sovereignty.' When asked if repeated bombings of a country were respectful of its sovereignty, Rumsfeld replied, 'Of course not.' When asked if an invasion of a country that had not attacked anybody showed respect for its sovereignty, he snorted, 'Certainly not.' After 25 minutes of canceled elections, control of oil supplies and the like, and their affect on a country's sovereignty, a light went on in Rumsfeld's head, and he commented, 'I'm not going to comment on cheap irony. Time to move on to another subject.' The journalists, who hadn't had this much fun in months, complained, but dutifully complied. From Washington, this is Eldred Cleavuntoer."
More Iraq. Again. This time, British. Subaru Debutante reports.
"British Prime Minister Tony Blair has been cleared of tampering with intelligence in order to justify his country's participation in the American war on Iraq. The House of Commons committee that exonerated Blair did not have subpoena power, so it didn't have access to critical officials and exports. It's reports was based, though, on the most up-to-date information available: an online version of The Starr Report, an essay called 'What I Did On My Summer Vacation' by a 12 year-old from Croydon and a transcription of an old episode of I Love Lucy. Critics of the report have pointed out that it wasn't even the episode where Lucy and Ethel work on the assembly line in the chocolate factory. For The Irrational, this is Subaru Debutante."
Okay, now that we have that unpleasantness out of the way, on a lighter note, the fifth book in the Harry Potter series is out, and it's not too early to be thinking about casting the movie version. Arts correspondent Eloise Tendentious reports on her dream cast for the project.
"If the film version of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is shot in Toronto, Paul Christie would be perfect for the part of Dolores Umbridge, a pol who is appointed to take control of the Hogwarts school of magic even though she seems more interested in doing the bidding of her political masters than seeing to it that the children get a proper education. For that matter, Ontario Premier Ernie Eves would make a pretty good Cornelius Fudge, a leader who is completely unaware of how his ideologically driven changes to the education system are destroying it. This may work out well, given that both men will likely be looking for a job by the time the fifth film goes into production. From Toronto, this is Eloise Tendentious reporting."
Ah. I knew we would get Toronto into the broadcast somehow. It was inevitable, really, only a matter of time...
"MSNBC talk show host Michael Savage apologized (after being fired) for remarks he made on the air, saying, 'If my comments brought pain to anyone, I certainly did not intend for this to happen.' What were his actual comments? 'Oh, you're one of the sodomites! You should only get AIDS and die, you pig!' Hard to see how such a remark could cause anybody pain - those damn liberals really need to get thicker skins! This is Humphrey Puffy reporting from New York."
Hey! You didn't give me a chance to intro that piece!
Later in the broadcast: columnist T-Rex Murphy has a message for comedian Dennis Miller: "Nobody ever hurt their career kissing the ass of power, babe, but you might find the cost of breath mints still makes it a losing proposition..."