Bean There, Done That: Johnny English, a Rowan Atkinson comedy that has done big box office in Europe, opens big in North America and quickly fades. Obviously, something was lost in the translation.
It Takes One To...Never Mind: The Pope denounces the idea of same sex marriage, partially in response to Canada's legislation intended to legalize the practice. Fair enough. Who better to instruct hundreds of millions of people on human sexuality than a man who has been celibate his entire life?
Punched Out: The last Volkswagen Beetle rolls off the assembly line, causing a panic among professional Punch Buggy players. Has the last shoulder been hit with the "no punch backs" rule?
News Is What You Didn't Know: The World Trade Organization's meetings being held in Montreal have sparked protests, but, because they're peaceful and the issues they raise are complex, they make lousy television, so we won't be reporting on them.
"From behind the beer tent at Parc Downsview Park, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
I'm Ian Hawdogoatsing, filling in for Joe Anchor while he gets help for an undisclosed nervous condition. What would you do to stay in Canada? Ernst Zundel, facing deportation to Germany, offers one answer, as Rahul Festrunk reports.
"Ernst Zundel, desperate to stay in Canada, has made some bizarre assertions at his deportation hearing, as a partial transcript shows:"
ZUNDEL: I don't hate Jews. I love Jews! Uhh...Irving Berlin, and...uhh...uhh...
OFFICER: You have a Web site on which you challenge the historical accuracy of the Holocaust and talk about Jewish conspiracies.
ZUNDEL: No, no, no. I have nothing to do with that!
OFFICER: The Web site is named after you.
ZUNDEL: It's a different Ernst Zundel! It's a common name - there must be thousands of us in Canada!
OFFICER: It's run by your wife.
ZUNDEL: Exactly. My wife. I have nothing to do with it!
"Once a denier, always a denier, I suppose. For The Irrational, this is Rahul Festrunk in Ottawa."
Health care in Ontario is in such precarious shape that a 12 hour, international music concert had to be held for its benefit. However, as Sylvia Ferberance reports, the provincial government refuses to face the music.
"Despite assurance from Premier Ernie Eves that it wouldn't happen, the first private MRI clinic in Ontario poached its first medical hire, an MRI technologist who had been working at Hotel-Dieu Grace Hospital. A representative of KMH Cardiology and Diagnostic, the private firm that runs the clinic, said the $10,000 lure was not a signing bonus, but a performance bonus - even though the technician had yet to perform any services. You definitely want incentive clauses in your contracts with doctors: an extra $10,000 for an average over 60 scans a week. And, with signing bonuses, can free agency be far behind? 'We'll trade you two MRI technicians for your best surgeon and a doctor to be named later. Hey - it's a great deal! Your best surgeon is due to become a free agent next year, and you could lose him without compensation!' The Province probably should have consulted with the Commissioner of Major League Baseball before approving this policy.
"In the meantime, Premier Eves argued that the technician wasn't poached, he simply moved from a part-time to a full-time job. At the risk of challenging the precept of the infallibility of Premiers, Eves was wrong: the technician left a full-time job. It would appear that when Tory health care policy isn't poached from the American right, it's scrambled. From Toronto, this is Sylvia Ferberance reporting."
No, nobody has told me what's wrong with Joe. And, I really would apprec - uhh...ahem. Does the democratization of the Middle East require blood sacrifices? You might be forgiven for thinking so, given recent musings by politicians on both sides of the Atlantic, according to this report from Subaru Debutante.
"British Prime Minister Tony Blair has stated, 'I think the important thing is that he [Saddam Hussein] is removed as an obstacle - one way or another.' You might have thought that the destruction of his regime and the massive American military presence in Iraq would have rendered Hussein entirely ineffective as an obstacle, but, apparently, not.
"Not to be outdone in the blood lust sweepstakes, American Coordinator for Counter-terrorism Cofer Black has said: 'The guy [Osama bin Laden] is a goner. The only question is whether he'll be arrested in cuffs or taken dead. He deserves to die. You'd need some DNA. There's a good way to do it. Take a machete and whack off his head, and you'll get a bucketful of DNA. It beats lugging the whole body back.' Of course, more innocent civilians will have to die in the effort, as several Iraqis did in the most recent failed attempt to kill Hussein, the fourth since the official end of the war. Still, that's a small price to pay to ensure that international justice is not served. This is Subaru Debutante, reporting from somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic ocean."
In a related story, the mystery of who restored the faces of Uday and Qusay Hussein for publicly released photos - a violation of Arab culture and religion that couldn't be performed by anybody local - has finally been revealed. It was Nathaniel Fischer. Expect the event to be featured on a future episode of Six Feet Under.
Economics is boring. Still, if you sit through the following report by Monique Moosehead, you may actually learn something important about the way the economy functions.
"International Media Megalith, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultNatCorp, lost $38 million last quarter, almost 46 cents a share. However, pundits expected the company to go bankrupt and be bought out by a group of third graders with deep pockets. Since the worst didn't happen, the price of International Media Megalith stock actually went up, closing at $34.29 a share. Of course, outside the cloistered world of high finance, this makes no sense, but, as IMM CEO Majunder Gharabian said, 'Who asked you?' From New York, this is Monique Moosehead."
Then, again, maybe not.
In an effort not to repeat the mistakes of 9/11, the American government is exploring all options to detect and thwart future attempts at terrorist attacks. As Eldred Cleavuntoer reports, one of these is an updated version of the game Stock Ticker.
"Trading was brisk on the Policy Analysis Market yesterday. Palestinian suicide bombings dropped 25 points, closing at just $2.32, continuing a downward trend that suggests peace in the Middle East is imminent. American military intervention in Liberia has risen to $26.73, prompting hope of an end to the civil war that has taken thousands of lives. Hmm...it would appear that this market is as accurate a reflection of the political climate as the stock market is of the economy. No wonder DARPA intends to shut it down! This is Eldred Cleavuntoer, reporting from Washington."
Had enough news about Ontario? Well, here's something else, anyway.
"Ontario Premier Ernie Eves, looking more and more like a docked fish every day, stated that the Liberals under Dalton McGuinty would be soft on crime...the day after he claimed that he could not read the report on Chris Stockwell's improper spending because, umm, Chris wouldn't let him. Somebody should throw Eves back into the ocean - he's obviously not big enough. This is Anson Bergecheck, reporting from Toronto for The Irrational."
This just in: anti-WTO protestors in Montreal have smashed storefronts, resulting in mass arrests. Alright! That's more like it! We'll have blanket coverage of the protest, including T-Rex Murphy offering his opinion of how protestors undermine their movement when they resort to violence, later in the broadcast...