A flash mob is scheduled to appear at Yonge and Bloor Streets, but when everybody shows up they are fully clothed, so they quickly lose interest and quietly disperse.
The journal Science retracts a study that claimed that Ecstasy caused brain damage in squirrel monkeys and baboons when researchers find that the drug given to them was mislabeled. The monkeys and baboon consider suing Johns Hopkins University, but, like, can't remember where they put their pants.
The reconstruction of a 10,000 year old skull looks eerily like Patrick Stewart. Tabloids immediately want to know what the secret of the star of Star Trek: The Next Generation's agelessness is, and publisher's scramble to sign Stewart to write a cook book.
"Live from the main stage at the Yonge and Eglinton Yuk Yuks, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
Please do not adjust your sets - this is an arrow sticking out of my head. A majority of North Americans now claim that their main source of news about the world is comedians on late night talk shows. And, really, who can compete with Leno, Letterman, Bull - well, Leno and Letterman, anyway. Rather than doom ourselves to irrelevance, we have made some changes here at The Irrational...
So, did you hear the one about the vocational school that got loans for its students even though it never seemed to have any teachers? Education reporter and Polynesian wardrobe coordinator Edwina DeBergi did, and she has this report about it.
"An investigation shows that the defunct Ottawa Business College - which is at the heart of the case against 19 men suspected of being terrorists, or, at least, immigration line hoppers - it's such a fine line - operated for weeks at a time without instructors. 'Of course we didn't have instructors,' the head of the college, tracked down at Pearson International where he was scheduled to be on a flight to Acapulco, commented, 'we were just following the provincial Conservative's approach to teachers to its logical conclusion. We should be getting medals instead of a criminal investigation!' For The Irrational, this is Edwina DeBergi reporting from Ottawa."
Hmm...maybe we should get a drummer to sit behind me... Anyway, what about...time machines? Are they crazy, or what? Rahul Festrunk tells us more.
"Canadian Alliance leader Stephen Harper has accused Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien of inventing a time machine, going into the future to learn the perfected techniques of genetic engineering and then going into the past and introducing homosexuality into the animal kingdom where, thanks to the inexorable workings of evolution, it ended up in human beings. 'Will the Prime Minister stop at nothing to flout god's will?' Harper fulminated. The Prime Minister's Office issued a press release expressing embarrassment on Harper's behalf. This is Rahul Festrunk reporting from Ottawa."
Stiff? Hey - I'm just warming up. Have you ever noticed how politicians are, like, weird? Anson Bergecheck has.
"One of the main contenders in the Toronto mayoral race is John Tory. In order to run, Tory is taking time off from advising the provincial Conservative party; oddly, he has rejected 'I have the solutions because I helped cause the problems' as a campaign slogan. For The Irrational, this is Anson Bergecheck reporting from Toronto."
I know you're out there - I can hear you breathing. Or, is that just the air conditioning in this place? Okay, our next comic came all the way from across the street just to tell you about all the wacky and hilarious things there are to know about dandruff. Please put your hands together for Germaine Tims-Stimson!
"In a speech to the nation, United States President George W. Bush asked the United Nations, an organization he once claimed was 'doomed to nonirrelevanceness,' to send troops and money to help rebuild Iraq. This is a startling admission that his government's policy of waving a magic wand and creating a workable democracy in Iraq has failed. 'Well, of course,' a fairy godparent known only as Wanda commented, 'there isn't enough magic in the world to make that wish come true!' From Fairyland, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson."
Anybody here from...Rome? You...you'll appreciate the next gag, about the priest, 500 children and the big payout. As Rahul Festrunk tells it, it's a real knee slapper.
"The Boston Archdiocese agreed to pay $85 million to settle more than 500 lawsuits from people who claim they were abused by Roman Catholic Priests. Despite this, Cardinal Ratzinger - Vatican Enforcer claimed that, 'What happened in Boston in no way undermines the legitimacy of the Vatican's position on same sex marriage. The Bible is silent on the issue of moving priests around to cover up their pedophilia, while it is very clearly against homosexuals.' What would Jesus do? Weep. From Boston, this is Rahul Festrunk reporting for The Irrational."
Hello? Hello? Is this mike on? What do you get when you combine an ailing industry with an attack lawyer? According to Eloise Tendentious, a publicity nightmare.
"The Record Industry Association of America scored its first victory in its war on Internet file sharing - it got a 12 year-old girl who lives in subsidized housing in New York to cough up $2,000 and agree to never listen to music she hasn't paid for on her computer again. It has also sued 71 year-old Durwood Pickle, even though he and his wife claim they don't actually use the computer in their home, in addition to dozens of other teenagers. 'Some people think it's foolish to attack one's customers,' a representative of the RIAA, who couldn't be identified because of the ski mask he was wearing, stated, 'but we prefer to think of the lawsuits as a way of enforcing mutual respect.' Oh, sure. I feel the love. This is Eloise Tendentious reporting from Los Angeles."
Phew! I haven't worked a room this tough since I was a headline reader for CCRY deep in the Manitoba outback. What's with journalists who have only one name? How nuts is that? Well, anyway, let's give a big, warm Irrational welcome to...Buffy!
"Seattle, the birthplace of Starbucks, is planning to put a tax of a dime on every beverage sold in the city that contains half an ounce or more of espresso. I spoke with Jorge Coloratura, President of BEANS (Better Espresso And No Surtax), a grassroots lobby group opposed to the luxury tax."
COLORATURA: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This tax, this tax, this tax, this tax, is so, so, so, so -
BUFFY: Unfair?
COLORATURA: Oh yeah. Big time. Very. Lots. Extremely. Absolutely. Unfair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, there are so many, so many, so many -
BUFFY: Voters?
COLORATURA: No. No. No. No. No.
BUFFY: Dollars?
COLORATURA: ITEMS! So many items this, this, this, this tax could be levied on. Why, why, why, why discriminate against coffee dri - coffee, coffee drink - you know?
BUFFY: Are you sure it's good for you to be drinking so much coffee?
COLORATURA: W - w - w - what are you, you, you, you saying?
"The revenue raised by the tax on espresso will fund Seattle preschool programmes. Perhaps it would be better spent on health care... From Seattle, this is Buffy reporting for The Irrational."
So, how'm I doin'? Hey! - somebody's gotta drink the piss they pass off as beer in this joint, and better you than me, buddy. Don't take my word for it - here is Monique Moosehead with more reasons to get shit-faced.
"VertiZone, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, lost $153 million last quarter on revenues of slightly over $3,000. Still, it's stock rose more than half a dollar on the announcement. Why? Simple. Analysts had expected the company to lose over $200 million, its major officers to be charged with accounting irregularities and its main product to be labeled a risk to national security. 'Yep, we certainly dodged a bullet there,' said CEO Dmittri Boinkevich. From Bonn, Switzerland, this is Monique Moosehead."
You've been a great audience, so far. Really. You're beautiful - don't ever change. Later: there is little new information on the terrorist attack on New York and Washington that has come to be known as 9/11, but we'll devote the second half of the broadcast to coverage of the second anniversary of the event. Expect big, big yuks...