Powder To The People: Atomic Energy of Canada pushes a proposal to build eight new nuclear reactors in Ontario. It's an attractive proposal, given how well the ones Ontario already has are working...
Canadian Power Trio to Judgement: Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson is arrested after an allegedly drunken scuffle with Florida police. Oddly, the usual suspects do not link the novels of Ayn Rand to such antisocial behaviour.
Civet Disobedience: China plans on slaughtering 10,000 cats as a response to its first reported case of SARS. When asked why it simply didn't tell citizens to stop eating cats' brains, government representative Wong Hoo-Mi says, "We can do that?"
"From behind the ice sculptures in Nathan Phillips' Square which, due to unseasonably warm temperatures, are threatening to melt and flood our mobile studio, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
Who will lead the new Conservative Party of Canada? Who would want to? Ian Hawdogoatsing has a report on this vexing question.
"New Brunswick Premier Bernard Lord ended months of speculation when he announced, 'There is no way I will run for the leadership of the Conservative Party of Canada. Uh uh. Not gonna happen. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not doing it and you can't make me, so forget about it. Move on. Get a life. No.' This means, of course, that the press will only spend the next six months speculating on whether or not Lord will run for the position. This is Ian Hawdogoatsing reporting from lovely, scenic Milton for The Irrational."
Ever on the alert for children having a good time, the fun police are on patrol in schoolyards in Toronto. Anson Bergecheck has the 911, man.
"In schools across Toronto, throwing snowballs at other students is being banned. 'Well, sure,' Safe Schools Supervisor for the Toronto District School Board Bruce Cameron commented, 'I got into snowball fights when I was a kid. But, I didn't inhale.' Oookay. I guess when you put the fun into fundamentalism, you've got to get it from somewhere..."
Since, given its relatively high proportion of people on old age pensions, Toronto is our most important market, Anson Bergecheck continues to report.
"The company that runs Highway 407 is planning to raise its rates to $47 per kilometre. 'Only about 12 people in the country will be able to afford to drive on the 407,' spokesperson Adriana Detwiler said, 'But boy will they be able to get where they want to go really, really quickly!' Dalton McGuinty quickly said that he would not be able to do anything about the increase because 'those darn Conservatives signed a contract that ties our hands. Darn them.' From lovely, scenic Toronto, this is Anson Bergecheck reporting."
When I travel, I use my personal helicopter, a leftover of my days at C-D-U-L in Kamloops in the 1950s. (Although I may have to cut back if anti-terrorism from the air legislation gets any more draconian.) Uhh...but, that's just me.
Remember the days when the Canadian dollar was the computer science dweeb of currency markets? As Monique Moosehead reports, it's bulked up and is looking for sand to kick in other currencies' faces.
"The most hopeless social climber of the season is the Canadian dollar, which has been reported seen at chic bistros in the wallets of starlets. 'Wannabe,' one stock trading debutante commented. 'Until the country expands its industrial base, the Canadian dollar will never be as popular as the American.' It's official: the currency market is your high school...with actual consequences in the real world. From lovely, scenic Ottawa, this is Monique Moosehead reporting."
Those who believe that "god is a Republican" might change their tune if they saw the "god is an independent" on Jesus' Ferrari, or so Vivienne Tso-Wa reports.
"According to American televangelist Pat Robertson, 'I really believe I'm hearing from the Lord it's going to be like a blowout election' victory for President Bush in 2004. A representative of god, who wouldn't give his last name so will only be identified as 'Gabriel,' responded: 'We really thought we had taught Pat a little humility when we sent that hurricane his way. It's not like we were being subtle. Some people just don't hear the word of god that well, I guess...' From lovely, scenic Cloud Nine, Heaven, this is Vivienne Tso-Wa reporting."
In the following report, Jason Petersburgovitz chases the elusive butterfly of freedom into some pretty darn strange places.
"The United States has started fingerprinting and photographing visitors to the country, including tens of thousands of Canadians. 'This is not an unwarranted invasion of privacy,' claimed Secretary of Homeland Defence Tom Ridge. 'We are simply applying the time-honoured "You're not one of us" rule, only, instead of social sanctions, we've decided to apply criminal sanctions.' Perfectly reasonable once it's explained. From lovely, scenic Muncie, Indiana, this is Jason Petersburgovitz reporting for The Irrational."
What happens when a spy writer comes in from the cold? Eloise Tendentious has the top secret data.
"In an interview with spy novelist John le Carre, Globe and Mail writer Alan Freeman jumped from a paragraph where le Carre went on at great length about why 'The war on Iraq was illegitimate...' to a paragraph describing the writer's home in Cornwall as 'a lovely Victorian brick house on a private road near Hampstead Heath...' My lawyer has informed me that I would be well within my rights to sue the newspaper for 'intellectual whiplash.' I am currently wearing a head brace and undergoing an interminable number of psychological tests to bolster my case. The one where I have to place oddly shaped pieces of wood into holes is particularly embarrassing. From a lovely, scenic padded cell, this is Eloise Tendentious reporting."
Scenes of refugees being mistreated in their native country make Jian Gezundheight salivate for a chocolate bar, as he tells us in this report.
"Viewers of the first two hour installment of CBC's mini-series Human Cargo complained that it contained too many promotional advertisements. And, quite right, too. When watching a taut drama about refugees to Canada fleeing persecution in African nations, you really need the break that only ads for chewing gum that makes your mouth minty fresh and cars with the most advanced wheel alignments that science can possibly imagine. From lovely, scenic Burundi, this is Jian Gezundheight reporting."
Businessman burned by bogus banjo? Buffy by-line.
"A Vancouver businessman is suing a former guitar technician for the band Nirvana, claiming that the Fender Stratocaster the technician claimed belonged to Curt Cobain when he sold it to the businessman was a fake. When asked how he knew, the businessman angrily stated, 'I tried to play "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on it and it sounded like shit.' Somewhere six feet under, the strains of David Bowie's 'The Man Who Sold the World' can be heard, accompanied by gentle sobbing. From lovely, scenic Vancouver, this is Buffy, like, reporting."
The National Hockey League - the last bastion of white, male power? Chester Pressman has the late score.
"Given the strides made in other sports such as football and baseball, you would think that professional hockey would make more effort to recruit minority players. Minority players can high stick, spear and instigate fights as well as any white players. Yes, minority players can goon it up with the best of them, and it's about time that the NHL - or, at least, Don Cherry - recognized this fact. From lovely, scenic Moncton - where they know how to send players off the ice on stretchers - this is sports and recreational substances reporter Chester Pressman reporting."
T-Rex Murphy always wanted to be a morning drive time radio shock jock, but the bowtie always spoiled the image. So he rants for us instead.
"The poor are lazy, no-goodniks who would rather sit around the house all day eating fatty foods and watching Jerry Springer than work hard and make something of themselves. They don't deserve any assistance from the government! They're a drag on all of us honest, decent citizens who have succeeded by the sweat of our brows. And, anybody who says otherwise is engaging in a disgusting form of class warfare! From a lovely and scenic spot just above my navel, this is T-Rex Murphy."
Ookay. Later in the broadcast, a little perspective on this...perspective...