The Rats Are Winning: Nebraska Wesleyan University is forced to change the name of its Rat Olympics when the US Olympic Committee threatens to sue. The university's choice, the Divorce Lawyer Olympics, appears to miss the point.
Tempest in a D-Cup: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police go through the underwear drawer of Irrational reporter Buffy looking for a stash of illegal French lace and come across unidentified classified documents. "It's a good thing they didn't go through the filing cabinet in my office," Buffy states, "or I wouldn't have had any underwear to work in!"
Can't We Just All Get Along?: Rick Mercer of Monday Report and Luba Goy of Royal Canadian Air Farce get into a fistfight over who will interview Liberal MP Sheila Copps, who is fighting a battle to see if she will get the Party nomination in her riding, for their comedy show. "I could have taken Mercer," Goy remarks, "if he hadn't bit my ear!"
From the corner of...somewhere we'll be able to identify when this snow blows over, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.
A CANADIAN HAS BEEN KILLED IN AFGHANISTAN. A CANADIAN DEAD IN AFGHANISTAN. CANADIAN. DEAD. AFGHANISTAN. WHOO HOO! THE DRAMA! THE HEARTACHE! I BET WE SEE TEARS! I BET... Umm... We'll, uhh, have a sober reflection on Canada's international peacekeeping role later in the broadcast.
In the meantime, Pallas Athena reports that the news on Mad Cow Disease isn't necessarily all bad.
"Maple Lead Foods, Canada's largest pork processor, will track every hog in its system using the animal's DNA to assure the public its food is safe. The federal government is watching this experiment carefully; if successful, the Liberals will use it to track Canadian immigrants. From the killing floor, this is transportation and human sacrifices reporter Pallas Athena reporting for The Irrational."
Ian Hawdogoatsing has had a fascination with the inner politics of the Toronto Star since his car was sideswiped by Joseph Atkinson, causing him to be hysterically blind for three months. When it came time to report on the latest shenanigans at the newspaper, there was only one journalist we could turn to.
"In the wake of the resignation of Toronto Star publisher John Honderich, Torstar CEO Rob Prichard has announced that everybody should 'take a pill,' that Canada's largest daily circulation newspaper would not change much. 'There is no truth to the rumour that the Star will be merged with the Harlequin Division, which would lead to substantial cash savings when some staff were laid off and writers would work for both,' Prichard stated, "although I am intrigued by the possibility of a Starshine Girl.' This is Ian Hawdogoatsing reporting from Toronto."
Nice to see the swelling has gone down, Ian.
And, speaking of swelling, Sylvia Ferberance has a report on something we're sure you never wanted to know about. We know we didn't.
"A video is circulating on the Internet that shows CITY TV anchor Gord Martineau responding to a comment that a news item on a pancreas transplant was interesting by pointing to his crotch and saying, 'This is interesting. That is not.' And, isn't that typical of a man - overestimating how interesting his, ahem privates are? For The Irrational, this is Sylvia Ferberance reporting from inside a cold shower."
Civilians of foreign nations continue to die at the hands of American soldiers. But, which foreign countries? As Germaine Tims-Stimson found out, if it's Tuesday, this must be Belgium.
"The United States is claiming that a bombing raid in Afghanistan that killed 11 people, including four children, actually killed five 'armed anti-coalition militia members.' Really? I thought the US had moved on and was now misrepresenting civilian casualties from Iraq. I mean, Afghanistan? How 2002! This is Germaine Tims-Stimson reporting from somewhere warm and cozy, I assure you."
The soap opera that is the economic travails of Lord Black of Crossed Off My List continues, as Monique Moosehead tells us in this report.
"Hollinger Inc. has changed the bylaws of subsidiary Hollinger International Inc. Now, if the subsidiary wants to sell any assets, its directors must prostrate themselves naked before Conrad Black and recite a 12th century oath of fealty. Analysts are divided on the legality of the new bylaw that directors of Hollinger International must build shrines to Black using 50 copies of his new book, but all agree that this is a gutsy move. Reporting from the contents sale of one of Black's mansions, this is Moni -"
Monique, we've been getting a lot of letters abo -
"Yeah, yeah. Astute viewers wonder how I could have argued last week that the Ontario Securities Commission was lax when it came to uncovering corporate corruption when, in an opinion piece last year, I argued that the OSC was an anachronism that should be abolished because the market effectively regulates itself. Easy. I am a Buddhist, and in my tradition there are no contradictions. All is true. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go have tantric sex with my partner. For The Irrational, this is Monique Moosehead reporting from none of your business where."
The eternal question - is it better to burn out or fade away - has been given a new twist by an old punk. Arts reporter Eloise Tendentious brings us the news, with accompaniment by timpani, sousaphone and four monkeys with trashcans.
"Former Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten has angered his band's fans by agreeing to appear in a reality TV show under his original name, John Rottinski. 'If it has come to this for the prince of punk, then mediocrity really does get us in the end,' one journalist commented. In the end? IN THE END? They couldn't play their instruments, they hated their fans and they were part of a big scam. When were they anything but mediocre? From London, England, this is Eloise Tendentious."
Oh, my. Oh...oh, dear. Jian Gezundheight reports.
"Mother Corporation Radio show host Sook Yin Lee is in trouble for agreeing to appear in a film with nudity and sexuality. Said a Mother Corp spokesman, 'It will spoil the illusion that our radio personalities have no bodies.' A couple of days later, the redfaced spokesman said: 'Actually, we were worried that the film shoot would take time away from her host duties. It won't. End of story.' As if. This is Jian Gezundheight reporting from the studio next door."
I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you.
But, I'll get over it.
Are more celebrities dying these days, or does it just seem that way because celebrity deaths are being reported more often. Either way, our producers know a trend when they see one, and have asked Vivienne Tso-Wa to initiate a new Irrational feature, Celebrity Obituary.
"Fashion photography Helmut Newton and Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan both died this past week. They only worked once together, early in their careers, when Newton photographed Keeshan in a frilly black bustier, torn fishnet stockings and black boots with nine inch heels. The lawsuits took years to make their way through the courts, and may be revived because of obituaries like this one. For The Irrational, this is Vivienne Tso-Wa reporting from Paris, although I'll claim I was in Toronto for tax purposes. "
Insightful. Incisive. Other words that begin with "in." That's Humphrey Puffy, here with another report.
"With the announcement that Belinda Stronach is entering the race for leader of the Conservative Party, we can now see the possibility that Canada will finally have serious opposition to the ruling Liberal Party. For too long -"
Humphrey?
"Yes?"
Hasn't the New Democratic Party always been in serious opposition to the Liberals?
"...Harrumph. As I was saying, for too long, the Liberals have ruled Canada as a one party state. The ascension of Paul Martin to the office of Prime Minister, a decision out of the hands of the majority of Canadians, is evidence of their anti-democratic tendencies. A vibrant right wing party is necessary to -"
Uhh, Humphrey?
"Sigh...yes?"
The Liberals seem to have abandoned the left and become a centre-right party. Wouldn't a truly left party - such as the NDP - be a more effective opposition than a right-nutcase right party?
"HEY! - who's supposed to be giving his opinion, here?"
Sorry. United right. Effective opposition. Does that about sum it up? Humphrey? Humphrey?
Later in the broadcast, the United States sends representatives to foreign countries to convince their governments to forget all that silly nonsense about weapons of mass destruction and buy the idea that the invasion of Iraq was triggered for humanitarian reasons. The world would rather see what's behind door number two...