Rex Veneer (Deadline News anchor): ...honestly, I've only seen your newscast a couple of times, but I find it a perfect antidote to insomnia.
Joe Anchor (The Irrational anchor): Oh, really? I've seen your newscast a few times myself, and I always wonder if it's responsible for an increase in attention deficit disorder among adults.
Ned Feeblish (moderator): Uhh, gentlemen, you do know your mikes are now live, right?
Rex Veneer: Fuck that.
Joe Anchor: Oh, shit.
Ned Feeblish: Oh...kay. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the third annual Roxy McLaglen Journalism Symposium and Weenie Roast. Tonight, two giants of broadcast news have agreed to answer questions and generally pal around. To my left is Rex Veneer, who has [edited for space considerations].
Rex Veneer: You left out the part where I saved Don Hewitt's life by pushing him out of the way of a knife-wielding Sixty Minutes groupie.
Ned Feeblish: Yes, I did. To my right is Joe Anchor, who hosts some kind of Canadian news show.
Joe Anchor: Oh! That's it? Uhh...yes, I suppose in a...generic sense, that's me.
Ned Feeblish: Alright, then. Gentlemen, jumping right in, since you seem to have at least a passing familiarity with each other's work, what do you think is the major difference between American and Canadian news journalism?
Rex Veneer: Canadian news shows don't have as many stories about two headed dogs.
Ned Feeblish: Is that a problem?
Rex Veneer: Hell, yeah! It shows that they are elitist - that they are less concerned with giving people the news that they want than Americans are.
Ned Feeblish: Joe, do you want a moment to get your jaw off the floor before you respond?
Joe Anchor: No, no, I think I can handle this one. The major problem with American news is that the average report is only three point nine seconds long. I do throws that are longer than that. It is impossible to do justice to a complex story if you only give it three point nine seconds. About the only thing you can do in that time is stories about two headed dogs.
Rex Veneer: You say that as if it's a bad thing.
Joe Anchor: Well...
Ned Feeblish: Maybe we've jumped in a little too deep. Let's dog-paddle back a bit for a different question: how do you define news?
Rex Veneer: Easy. News is what you didn't know.
Joe Anchor: I didn't know that.
Rex Veneer: Then, it's news to you.
Joe Anchor: Actually, I would have said that what makes an event news is a complex set of considerations that includes: the event's impact on people's lives; it's duration and timeliness; if there is a human interest angle that can pull viewers in - those sorts of things.
Rex Veneer: Uhh, yeah. All that's important, too.
Ned Feeblish: As news anchors, you have a front row seat to the first draft of history - uhh...you know what I'm trying to say, here. What is the most important thing you've learned from this?
Joe Anchor: It's hard, sometimes, when you deal only with the headlines, to remember that people in the public eye are, for the most part, sincere in their desire to make the world a better place. The most important thing I have learned, I would say, is that you need to go deeper into the story to find out the truth about the people involved.
Ned Feeblish: Okay. Rex?
Rex Veneer: Floss after every meal.
Joe Anchor: That's it?
Rex Veneer: Everything kind of follows after that.
Ned Feeblish: What was the last book you read? Rex?
Rex Veneer: Bowser Does a Wowser In His Trousers. (pause) My nieces and nephews really wanted me to read it to them. (pause) Kids - you know how it is.
Ned Feeblish: Joe?
Joe Anchor: Conrad Black's 27 volume biography of Martin Seltzer, the man who created Seltzer water, called This, Too Shall Pass.
Rex Veneer: I read that. The first 12 volumes are pretty good, but after that I got the distinct feeling that Black was wanking off.
Joe Anchor: No argument, there. I enjoyed Bowser Does a Wowser In His Trousers much more when I read it to my grandchildren.
Rex Veneer: (laughing) I didn't know that.
Joe Anchor: (laughing) That would make it news to you, wouldn't it?
Ned Feeblish: It's good to see that, despite our differences, there are some things that American and Canadian newscasters can agree on...