Good evening.
Our top story tonight: Saddam Hussein has fallen and he can’t get up. Well, not the mad Iraqi dictator, but a startling lifelike facsimile. And, now, you can celebrate the end of Saddam’s tyrannical rule with a series of six collector plates, each one commemorating a moment in the fall of the statue of Saddam. There’s “Individuals Trying To Topple the Statue With No Success,” “The Placing of the American Flag Over the Dictator’s Face” and the instant classic, “Saddam Comes Tumbling Down!” Brought to you by Royal Bolton and this network, each plate comes with a certificate of authenticity, guaranteeing that it is based on a frame of the video aired live on Deadline News. Just use the handy phone number displayed at the bottom of the screen, and the first plate, “The Noose Tightens,” will be yours in just four to six weeks! This set of plates is sure to be a collector’s item – get yours while supplies last!
This is the genius of the system.
In other news, George Junior spokesperson Ari “Miss Me While Donny Took Over?” Fleischer said that “Free press is a crucial part of a free Iraq.” The free press he was referring to was the Pentagon broadcasting 25 hours of programming a week on what was Iraqi state-controlled television and the publication of The Times, a US government newspaper, in southern Iraq. You might wonder when “free press” became defined as “occupying nation’s propaganda.”
This is the genius of Big Brother’s system.
And, now, with an update on the American war in Iraq, we go live to Chrissie Rainitpour, embedded in General Tommy Franks’ anus. Chrissie?
“Rex, I’m talking to Private, First Class Alan Quarterchicken, who –”
“Oh, man, it was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my whole [EXPLETIVE] life! I mean, I was sitting at my gun, just like in the exercises, except I was mowing down real live human beings! What a rush! They fell like freaking ten pins! Okay, ten pins that explode in puffs of red fluid, but – whooee, it sure was something!”
“Alan, was the fact that hu –”
“Man, oh, man, it was like being back home, shooting gophers! Except, these gophers were six feet tall and firing back! I was on [EXPLETIVE] fire! I’ve never been so alive! Bring those [EXPLETIVE] Iraqis on, I say! I wanna kill me some more –”
Chrissie? Are you there? Chrissie? Hello? Well, uhh, when you’re reporting live from a war zone, communications systems can sometimes break down. We’ll have more from Chrissie Rainitpour, embedded in General Tommy Franks’ anus when – uhh, Stan, why are you holding that electrical plug?
Haji Gilani and his nephew were gunned down. Why should we care? He was a close ally of…President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan? Oh, right – we shouldn’t care.
Representatives of the European Social Forum, under pressure from American consumers, have admitted that the introduction of “The New Politics” into the marketplace was probably a marketing error. Thus, politics as usual, under the name “Politics Classic” will be brought back. Although it will be sold alongside The New Politics, analysts expect Politics Classic to maintain its American market domination. Robert Huizenga, former CEO of the Coca Cola Corporation, commented, “Why didn’t they ask me? I could have told them: you don’t mess with a popular formula!”
As American troops pushed their way into Baghdad, Iraq’s Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf claimed that heavy casualties had forced American troops to retreat to neighbouring Kuwait and that the Republican Guard was in full control of he country. Then, Rod Serling appeared…
At least 18 Kurdish allies were killed and 45 others wounded when an American missile slammed into a convoy in Northern Iraq. Among the –is that…is that blood on the lens? Oh, man, the BBC has all the luck! We’ve been begging our cameramen to bleed a little on their equipment, but will any of them list –
Ahem. The US military will be looking into ways to minimize so-called “friendly fire” deaths, just as soon as they finish the investigation of ways of minimizing so-called “friendly fire” deaths that arose in the aftermath of the first Gulf War.
On the local scene: while it’s true that Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman has not been seen in public since the outbreak of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, sources in his office say that there is no truth to the rumour that he has holed up there until he receives shipment of a full body condom on order from the US. Actually, it’s because he’s finally become embarrassed by the city’s computer leasing scandal.
In a related story: a conference of 12,000 Cancer researchers slated to be held in Toronto was canceled because of the SARS outbreak. Hmm…doctors not appearing in a city with contagious disease – could they know something we don’t? And, while I’m on the subject, who names these things? Acute – severe – don’t they mean the same thing?
In sports – no, on the entertainment scene – well, you make the call: celebration of the 15th anniversary of the release of the film Bull Durham at the Baseball Hall of Fame has been canceled by Dale Petrosky, owner of the institution and former Reagan press secretary, because the stars, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, have repeatedly made statements opposing the war on Iraq and the Bush administration. “We believe your very public criticism of President Bush at this important – and sensitive – time in our nation’s history helps undermine the US position, which ultimately puts our troops in even more danger,” Petrosky explained. Call it Fear Hits a Home Run or Free Speech Strikes Out. Just don’t call it American.
In an item last week, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, upon finding barrels of an unidentified liquid in an Iraqi military compound now under American control, was quoted as saying, “Chemical weapons! Yee haw! Smoking gun enough for you?” Apparently, this was incorrect. The liquid was eventually identified as an industrial strength version of Windex. And, it was actually press secretary Ari “Still Here” Fleischer who made the statement. And, what he actually said was: “They have chemical weapons? Imagine that…”
I think this calls for error regretting all around.
And, finally, something from the field of science to chew on: researchers theorize that the prevalence of a gene that protects against infectious diseases spread by eating contaminated flesh (think: mad cow) is proof that human cannibalism was once common. Do you swallow that? Sounds like the scientists are trying to bite off more than they can chew by arguing that cannibals actually developed the gene to protect against the diseases. Personally, I’m gagging on the thought.
Good night.