There is a Life Network. So, why not a Death Network?
Seriously. Why not a Death Network? Were you aware that over 1,000 people die every single day? Okay, sure, most of them are children in countries whose names you've never even heard of (the countries, not the - well, actually, the children, too). Still, enough people die in developed nations each week to ensure that some of them will be celebrities, and we all know how popular celebrities and death are.
In an Oscar-worthy performance, Haley Joel Osment saw dead people. Now, you can, too - 24 hours a day with high definition digital video and audio!
The Death Network is hip! The Death Network is now! Our demographic research shows that the much-coveted 12 to 34 age group is fascinated by death, because most people in it don't believe death is actually going to happen to them! Clearly, this is a market that cries out for exploitation!
Behold the type of original programming you can expect to find on The Death Network:
POP UP FUNERALS: Did you know Sheb Wooley, best known for the song "People Purple Eater" acted in such films as High Noon and The Outlaw Josey Wales? Or, that radio and television evangelist Garner Ted Armstrong kept forming new Christian ministries because he was excommunicated from his old ones - including one started by his father, Herbert W. Armstrong - for sexual misconduct? Or, that John Ritter was actually a chipmunk? You would if you watched Pop Up Funerals, where trivia about the recently deceased in dayglo coloured balloons appearing to the accompaniment of a goofy sound enlivens the most somber of death rituals.
DEAD LETTERS: Daniel Richler hosts this show about books on death. Is The American Way of Death more popular than Death for Dummies? Reviews, author interviews and readings - does television get any more intellectual? Watch Dead Letters to get the lowdown on how this highbrow medium deals with our final passage.
INTERNATIONAL IDLE: Which was the bigger death this week: Johnny Cash or Leni Riefenstahl? Each could be considered an outlaw, although in very different ways. True, Cash sold more than 50 million records and influenced many musicians, but Riefenstahl single-handedly created a non-fiction film genre. And, hey, what about Mister "I am death, devourer of worlds" Edward Teller, who waits in the wings to take on the winner? Each week, two celebrities vie to see whose death will leave a bigger hole in our lives. It's a grudge match battle to the...well, we haven't quite worked out what, yet, but you get the idea.
DEAD HISTORICAL: More than just endless coverage of the Kennedy assassination! This show contains historical footage of state funerals and celebrity deaths, as well as recreations of the deaths of famous people who were inconsiderate enough to pass on before the creation of cameras! Did you know that the incidence of girls being named Anne increased dramatically in the years after King Henry VIII of England died? Watch Dead Historical and impress your friends with your trivial historical knowledge!
CANADA ROCKS!: We haven't forgotten the Canadian content - after all, Canadians die, too! The first episode of Canada Rocks! features a profile of Gisele MacKenzie, who, umm, was a CBC radio legend back in the, err, 1950s. Well, anyway, we're sure more...better known Canadians will die so that they can be featured on the show.
DEATH FOR KIDS: Mona the Vampire, Casper the Friendly Ghost and The Addams Family are just some of the treats in store for your children during the afternoon on The Death Network. And, let's not forget, young people die, too! Did you know that Janet Linetsky was the English-speaking voice of Caillou before a car accident took her life at the age of 17? A girl was the voice of Caillou! Between programmes, our hosts Franco and Nikki will teach your children about death, rebirth and all that other "Cycle of Life" shit.
DEAD FASHION: How should you dress Uncle Edgar for his final showing? Do you want him to look like he did in real life, or would you like to avoid scaring small children? Jeannie Beker and her team of correspondents travel the world to bring you all the latest news on funeral fashions.
CAUGHT DEAD ON FILM: Think Harold and Maude! Think Dr. Strangelove! Think What Dreams May Come! Think Schwarzenegger! Over and over! Forever!
If this sort of programming appeals to you - and, how could it not? - please write the Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC to you) and demand that The Death Network be placed on the basic cable tier.
Let's all do our best to ensure that The Death Network comes to life!