What the Heck Do You Know?
The Surrealists Turn Pro
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1) According to most experts, documents showing that Iraq tried to buy nuclear-enriched uranium from Niger were forged, but nobody seems to want to ask who created them. Who do you think forged the documents?
a) the CIA
b) the CIBC
c) J. R. Ewing
d) Nosferatu
e) other
2) How can you tell a hunter has lured a bear into the open with excessive amounts (2,000 pounds or more) of chocolate?
a) the bear is in town shopping for a toupee to cover its lost hair
b) the bear applies for a grant from Human Resources and Development Canada
c) the bear is given a grant from Human Resources and Development Canada
d) conservative pundits berate the bear over its liberal lifestyle and demand that it exercise some will power to lose weight
3) The United States has convinced Japan to renounce its pacifist Constitution (which the US imposed upon it at the end of the Second World War) so that Japan could send military troops to Iraq. How does the US justify this?
a) Pearl Harbour has a much better early warning system than it did in the 1940s
b) irony is coming back with a vengeance, and it's packing heat
c) you think Rambo won Vietnam by sitting around in a diaper sipping tea and preaching non-violence?
d) there are no permanent enemies, only $87 billion expenditures that can be partially offset by allies
4) Russian ballerina Anastasia Volochkova is suing the Bolshoi Theatre, which fired her for being too heavy for male dancers to lift. What should her next move be?
a) writing a diet book
b) starring in an all-woman version of Moscow on the Hudson on Broadway
c) offering to mediate between Russian President Vladimir Putin and multi-billionaire (and accused fraud artist) Mikhail Khodorkovsky by performing a one woman version of Swan Lake
d) becoming the spokesmodel for Tutu Much, a line of designer ballet wear for plus-sized women
5) Which of the following statements do you fear hearing the most?
a) "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but they're all going to have to come out."
b) "Oh, you can keep the parking space, but you're still fired."
c) "Two more hours of mayoral candidate debate analysis!"
6) What is the Giller?
a) a form of South American lizard
b) a female comedian in a fright wig with a face lifted to the clouds
c) the most boring awards show on television
7) California governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger plans a second wave of deregulating the state's electricity generation, even though the first wave was manipulated by crooked companies and seriously contributed to California's $40 billion deficit. How would a reasonable person respond to this?
a) "Let the gamings begin! ...Again!"
b) "The Governator. Yeah. Good one. Guess we should have been a little more persistent in demanding that he articulate some policies along with the on-liners, shouldn't we? Still, we can always hop into our time machines and change things in the past, right? Right?"
c) "Is it too soon to start recall proceedings against Schwarzenegger?"
8) The United States - always the last to know - decided not to allow Turkish troops to help it patrol occupied Iraq. What clues should have tipped it off that it was a bad idea?
a) the Turkish troops were getting "Iraq - where Turks patrol and Kurds are scared" tattoos on their shoulders
b) Turkish soldiers were being armed with spits and carving knives
c) Achmed Chalabi thought it was a nifty idea
9) Toronto Mayoral candidate John Tory is running on a campaign that he is a political outsider. This is akin to...
a) Jim Carrey claiming to have perfected his subtle acting approach.
b) Mike Harris citing his compassion for the poor.
c) Joseph Stalin claiming to be an expert on humanitarian farm policy.
10) What is chic lit?
a) the only thing they read in the henhouse
b) too sweet by half and good to chew but tough to swallow
c) books that wear designer clothes and wouldn't be caught dead in anything less than the finest restaurants
11) In the wake of the arrest of 300 undocumented Wal-Mart workers who were working for starvation wages, what should the retailing giant's new slogan be?
a) "Hey! Don't knock low wages - they keep the unemployment rate down!"
b) "Don't crack down on the Mexican border! Your illegal immigrants are our best employees!"
c) "Always Low Wages. Always!"
12) What is the "clash of civilizations?"
a) Leafs and Habs fans leaving the arena after a Saturday night game
b) a disagreement over whether the soup fork should go on the left or the right of the appetizer plate
c) a misleading cymbal
13) What is the greatest accomplishment of the modern world according to members of the social and academic elite?
a) the Internet
b) the Moon landing
c) string theory
14) What is the greatest accomplishment of the modern world according to everybody else?
a) the flush toilet
b) the refrigerator
c) soap
15) Name a candidate for the Democratic Party's Presidential candidacy.
a) uhh...wait...don't tell me...John, err, something...right?
b) you know, every time I think of the Democratic Party, my eyes start throbbing and I hear this buzzing noise in the back of my head - excuse me, but I have to lie down for a couple of hours...
c) who cares? With the media behind him, George Dubya is gonna kick Democratic ass! Donkey? Please! Their animal totem should be a sacrificial lamb! Haw!
16) What is a sine curve?
a) the method by which a deaf man tells a deaf woman that he admires her figure
b) a mathematical representation of how many bad checks you can write before others stop accepting them
c) what can happen if you get punched in the nose too ofte - no, wait, that's a sinus curve
d) the way a catcher tells a pitcher that he wants a sinker
17) Rob Krueger, a Canadian, has won the world rock, paper, scissors competition. What was his secret?
a) he's been training every day for five hours since he was three years old
b) he put his opponents off their game with his trash talk ("You call that a scissors? Looks more like a couple of limp noodles to me! My rock's gonna pulverize your pathetic scissors - better get ready to go crying to your mommy!")
c) steroids
18) What was the most disappointing thing about The Matrix Revolutions, the final part of the Matrix trilogy?
a) Agent Smith, the rogue computer programme, got the best lines and seemed to be having the most fun
b) there were no warnings posted outside the theatre that the sequence where the Zion fighters held off swarms of robots could cause worse epileptic seizures than strobe lights
c) it will gross a gazillion dollars in its opening week
19) Which of the following is the best definition of mixed emotions?
a) discovering hundreds of new fish species as they are about to become extinct
b) finally getting rid of Mel Lastman...only to see him replaced by John Nunziata
c) finding all that porn on the Internet that everybody is talking about...and finding that it's just as mechanical and boring as the porn off the Internet
20) Tim Hortons has started selling factory-fried, frozen donuts that were shipped to and finished at their stores. What would be an appropriate Canadian response to this move away from fresh-baked donuts?
a) demand Parliament empower a Royal Commission to study the issue
b) boycott Wendy's, Tim Hortons' American owner
c) yawn and switch to Letterman
