"You're listening to C-D-I-K, Big Dick Radio."
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - oh, my, ha ha!"
"Dick?"
"Hee hee hee hee."
"Dick!"
"Yeah - ha ha - Dick?"
"What are you laughing at? We just came out of commercial - nothing's happened yet."
"I am laughing in anticipation of the hilarity that is to come."
"Well, cut it out. You're giving me the creeps."
"Sorry - hee - Dick."
"Okay, then. So, the missus tells me that she plans on watching all two hours of Ryan and Trista's wedding, and you know I'd rather swallow a 20 foot tapeworm -"
"It's just like spaghetti."
"That's 20 feet long."
"But, don't you think that's kind of romantic?"
"For gastroenterologists, maybe."
"Come on. Didn't you ever see Lady and the Tramp?"
"No, but I've seen Lady Is the Tramp...several times."
"Lady Is the...? Oh, ha ha ha ha ha -"
"Okay, so I decided to -"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha -"
"You know, Dick, you can be replaced."
"Sorry. (Ha ha.)"
"I decided to spend my evening in more profitable pursuits."
"You went to a poker game?"
"I said profitable pursuits."
"Poker games are usually profitable for me."
"Fortune smiles on fools, Dick."
"Fortune doesn't just smile on fools, it buys us drinks and gropes us under the table."
"...Are you finished?"
"Sorry. So, did you rent a video or something like that?"
"No, I did what all red-blooded married males do when they need to get away from their spouse for a few hours. I went to a strip club."
"A peeler joint."
"A titty bar."
"A...a...a place where women take off their clothes for money."
"Exactly. And -"
"Which one?"
"Which what?"
"Which strip club did you go to?"
"It's not important."
"Oh, but that's just the kind of detail that gives a story verisimilitude."
"The story doesn't need verisi...uhh..."
"Militude."
"Yeah. Verisimilipede."
"Ha ha ha ha - URK."
"So, I was sitting in this strip joint -"
"Which...doesn't...have...a...name..."
"It was the...Peeler's Paradise. Okay?"
"Great. The story has so much more credibility now."
"Great. Okay, so, I was at the Peeler's Paradise -"
"Was Mona working that night?"
"Mona?"
"You would remember her if you saw her. She does this amazing thing with snails and a bar of soap -"
"Do you want to tell this story, Dick?"
"Just making sure the details are straight. You know, the devil is in the details."
"I think the devil is in this broadcast booth."
"You, uhh, referring to George the technician?"
"No, I am not referring to George the technician. He's a solid family man who knows better than to interrupt his superiors when they are trying to tell a story."
"Sambuca the intern?"
"Nope."
"Hmm...I wonder who you could be referring to."
"While you're pondering that eternal riddle, can I get back to my story?"
"Sure."
"So, there I was -"
"So, was Mona working that night?"
"The one with the toads?"
"Snails."
"No. No, Dick, Mona wasn't working there, with toads, snails, snakes, centipedes, millipedes, orangutans, aardvarks or any other part of her undoubtedly vast menagerie."
"Oh."
"So, I'm sitting there, nursing a Sambuca -"
"Not the intern. Tell me it wasn't the intern."
"What would make you think that?"
"He's gay, you know."
"Dick, how many times do we have to make flaming Sambuca jokes on this show?"
"It never gets tired, Dick."
"Well, I was nursing a drink. That's all, a drink."
"Okay."
"And I was watching -"
"Debbie?"
"No, not Debbie."
"Well, that's funny, because Debbie usually works the days Mona is off. You would remember Debbie. She has a big plastic dildo with a handle in the shape of the city of Dallas."
"Dallas does Debbie."
"That's the gimmick. So, you did see her act."
"Siiiiiiggghhh. Okay, Dick. I give up. I didn't go to a strip joint the other night."
"You didn't?"
"No."
"Then, what...?"
"I stayed at home and watched Trista and Ryan's wedding."
"You didn't!"
"I did. And, you know what? It was about as interesting as the conversation we had last week on turpentine."
"That's a fine household paint solvent, turpentine is."
"You have now completely emasculated me in front of all of our loyal listeners, Dick. I hope you're satisfied with yourself."
"Can I laugh now?"
"Okay. While I'm throttling Dick, you'll be listening to U2's 'Where the Streets Have No Name' on C-D-I-K, Big Dick Radio..."