What the Heck Do You Know? Summer Bummer
Summer, and the living is greasy. Picture yourself on a beach, industrial strength tanning lotion slathered all over your body, watching the pretty young things playing in the water over the rims of your cool shades. Then get back to work - in today's ultracompetitive employment environment, you won't last long if your boss pegs you as a daydreamer!
If, on the other hand, you want to waste a little time, you could do worse than answer the following questions. Unfulfilled fantasies can lead to frustration, ulcers and painful addictions to As the World Turns. On the other hand, four out of five doctors agree that filling out pointless questionnaires has no long-term medical implications, while the fifth simply hasn't got a sense of humour.
If you do decide to answer these questions, whatever you do don't return any completed questionnaires to us! One of those pretty young things has stopped playing in the water and is headed our way!
1) How can a country without a constitution or other founding legal documents and a barely functional government seriously consider holding a trial of its former leader?
a) with a song in its heart and 140,000 foreign troops within its borders
b) sheer grit and determination, and you gotta admire that
c) look, we all know he's guilty of terrible things, so why sweat the details?
2) Are you suffering from genital herpes?
a) does it show?
b) no, my condition is actually genital burpees, but if you pat me on the bum for a few seconds, this too shall pass
c) even if I do, I'm still not participating in your research study of a marketed antiviral medication to prevent recurrences of this common sexually transmitted disease, so stop asking me!
3) Coca Cola is planning to open a bottling plant in Somalia. What should its advertising slogan be?
a) starvation goes better with Coke
b) ethnic cleansing goes better with Coke
c) boy, you're really pushing the lawsuit barrier with this one, aren't you?
4) Arab news network Al-Jazeera is considering selling shares on Qatar's Doha Stock Exchange. What could it do to make itself more attractive to foreign investors?
a) run more footage of bikini/burqha contests
b) get advice on its graphics from visual design experts at Fox
c) stop airing interviews with people who want to kill Americans
5) Conrad Black, who is currently arguing in court that shareholders have the right to vote on the sale of Telegraph Group Ltd., argued several months ago that he did not need the assent of shareholders when he was trying to sell it. How can we account for this apparent contradiction?
a) even Black has stopped listening to what he says
b) a shareholders' rights advocate is a robber baron who has been mugged by his board of directors
c) the lawsuit is being pressed in a court in Delaware, and they can't be expected to know what happens in England...he hopes...
6) Which of the following factoids did you not need to know about Paris Hilton?
a) she wasn't really involved with Trae Lindy during the shooting of the first season of The Simple Life...unless, maybe she was and didn't tell the truth to David Letterman - cha, right, like that never happens!
b) she changed her phone number after the first season so that the Leding family she had stayed with wouldn't be able to get in touch with her - cha, right, like they were ever gonna party and be best buds and stuff!
c) she's alive
d) all of the above
7) Chiquita has announced that it will soon be selling bananas flavoured with hints of other fruits. If it really wants to increase banana sales, what flavours should it give them?
a) strawberry daiquiri
b) mint jelly
c) chocolate
d) other
8) Why would the CIA play down testimony from Iraqi defectors that Saddam Hussein had shelved his weapons programmes?
a) it was the intelligence agency's time of the month
b) those radical anarchists in humint obviously want to bring the President down!
c) because every time they tried to tell President Bush about it, he put his hands over his ears and shouted, "I'm not listening to you! Nyah nyah! Can't hear a word you're saying! Are you still talking?" Even an intelligence agency eventually learns not to waste its breath...
9) Why would the Motion Picture Association of America not allow distributors of Fahrenheit 9/11 to quote Richard Roeper - who said "everyone should see this film" - in their advertising?
a) power has finally gone to Jack Valenti's head
b) "everyone" is such a loaded term
c) the MPAA wanted to put a lid on Roeper's opinion before too many people were exposed to it, because, lord knows, nobody watches At the Movies
10) Match the following statement made on the campaign trail with the party leader who made it and what they really meant when they said it.
a) "What we're asking Canadians to do is give us a central role."
b) "It's a common sense proposition that the party that has the most seats is the party that certainly ought to form a government."
c) "The Bloc Quebecois does not support the best interests of this country because of its basic programme. The NDP has been too philosophically different from our approach. I will not be making a deal that betrays the promises and commitments that I made to the electorate in a national election campaign."
i) Liberal Party leader Paul Martin
ii) Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper
iii) New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton
I) "Don't worry about voting for my party - we aren't eager to, like, form a government or anything..."
II) "Please, please, I beg you, don't send me back to Toronto municipal politics!"
III) "If you insist upon voting for enough Conservatives to give them more seats than us, be prepared to live with their government."
11) What's with Robert Smith's hair?
a) he stuck his finger in a light socket when he was a kid, and he found that he really liked it
b) he was up for the lead in the film Edward Scissorshands, and still hasn't gotten over the fact that he lost out to Johnny Depp
c) hey! Make fun if you want, but some day that hair is going to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!
12) Why is Iyad Allawi referred to as Iraq's "interim Prime Minister?"
a) because "interim foreign bootlicker" didn't give him the same aura of legitimacy
b) because "interim treasury looter" didn't have the same ring (although it was certainly an improvement over "interim foreign bootlicker")
c) interim is actually an old Arabic word for "rebel target practice"
13) What famous landmark should be Roland Emmerich's next target for destruction, and how should it be destroyed?
a) the Leaning Tower of Pisa should be destroyed by an earthquake
b) Niagara Falls should be attacked by 12 foot long praying mantises - manti? - and a local loss of gravity should suck all the water into the sun
c) the dry cleaners around the corner from my apartment should drop into the centre of the earth - that'll teach them for always putting extra starch in my collars!
14) American air force pilot Major Harry Schmidt was convicted of dereliction of duty, was fined $5,672 and will likely never fly again for killing four Canadian soldiers in a "friendly fire" incident in Afghanistan. His lawyer plans to appeal the conviction. On what grounds?
a) it's not like Canada's a real country or anything
b) wracked with guilt over his responsibility for the deaths of four fellow human beings, Schmidt wanted a harsher sentence...like, maybe, a $10,000 fine
c) when the military judge wrote "Your willful misconduct directly caused the most egregious consequences imaginable, the deaths of four coalition soldiers and injury to eight others. The victims of your callous misbehaviour were from one of our staunch allies..." he hurt Schmidt's feelings
15) Since Barbie left her 40 year relationship with Ken for an Australian surfer named Blaine, Mattel sales and profits have slid. What does this say about the youth of America?
a) they're patriotic to the core - if Barbie had left Ken for a California surfer dude, Mattel stock would be soaring
b) they're much more conscious of profits to earnings ratios than Wall Street has heretofore given them credit for
c) they don't trust guys named Blaine
16) What is the best argument for keeping Julian Fantino on as Chief of Police of Toronto?
a) now that the force's racial profiling has been well documented in a Toronto Star feature series, he'll be in a better position to know how to hide it in the future
b) now that the force's corruption has been well documented in a series of charges under the Police Act, he'll be in a better position to know how to hide it in the future
c) he's Italian
17) Which of the following would not be legally allowed in foods labeled organic according to proposed new United States Drug Administration guidelines?
a) pesticides
b) animal drugs
c) sex hormones
d) would you believe "none of the above?"
18) How do you make a hormone?
a) six billion years of evolution and a lot of crossed fingers
b) the horm must be prepared to undergo years of rigorous spiritual training, and even then there's no guarantee
c) I can't believe you've trotted out this hoary old chestnut! You must be really hard up for questions! Besides, this is an aural joke - it doesn't work in print.
19) Michael Fleischer, brother of Ari, has been a top aide for private sector development to the American running Iraq since March. He told The Chicago Tribune that part of his job was educating Iraqi businessmen: "The only paradigm they know is cronyism." How could he say this with a straight face?
a) he had just had his botox injections that morning
b) his brother got the family's entire gift for bullshit
c) as with so much else, it's not what it seems when Americans do it
20) Since history has officially ended, why is Francis Fukayama still writing?
a) it keeps him off the streets
b) tenure's a bitch
c) he's a terrible fly fisher and he doesn't get bridge
