With the hockey season more or less dead on arrival, you might be wondering how you'll fill those long, empty, wintry Saturday nights. Probably watching bad family movies. Yee haw - get out the popcorn and the earplugs!
More importantly, what are you going to say during the commercial breaks between scenes of children bonding with their parents and freeing wild animals from zoos? Hockey gives you an inexhaustible supply of conversation; without it, you may find yourself lost, fumbling awkwardly for your next sentence or falling into disgruntled silence.
It doesn't have to be that way! As a public service, I have developed a simple system of sentence substitution to get you through the hockey lockout. Simply find the sentence below you would have said if you were watching hockey and, instead, say the sentence that follows.
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: If the goalie stays healthy, they have a shot at the Cup this year. If the goalie stays healthy... WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: People should absolutely be allowed to pay for medical services themselves. It's not that I'd be able to afford to if we changed the system - it's the principle of the thing!
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: That crazy Don Cherry - you never know what he'll say next! WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: You know, I never thought I would like working in a Pizza Palace, but, now that I've started, I can see myself making a career of it.
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: Okay, the Leafs are down by two, but there are 20 minutes to play...anything can happen. WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: I spoke to a telemarketer for over an hour yesterday - I have no idea what she was selling, but she sounded cute.
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: How about those Leafs? WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: How about that weather?
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: Player salaries are out of control! The average salary - the average salary! - of a player in the NHL is $1.8 million! Any goon in a uniform can make $1.8 million! It's better than breaking legs for a loan shark, I can tell you! WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: I should have invested in Google when I had the chance...
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: Of course, the game was better when there were only six teams... WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: Did you know that sharks never sleep?
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: That was hooking! Did you see - definitely hooking! Where's the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] referee! WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: That hole in the ozone layer - what a bitch, eh?
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: He's been an underachiever since we got him from Calgary, but, you know that if we trade him to another team, he'll start playing like a star again. What are you gonna do? WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: I think the whole low carbs thing is really overrated.
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: They've got a powerful offence, but they're weak on defense, so expect a lot of close, high-scoring games. WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: Roddy Doyle was right - James Joyce really could have used an editor. But, you didn't hear that from me...
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: Did you see that? He was wide open on the left wing, and nobody passed the puck to him! WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: Honey, tonight's pot roast goulash was sensational! Wherever did you get the recipe?
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: The game hasn't been the same since Gretzky retired. WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: I thought of taking up origami, but then I thought, what would I do with all of those stupid little paper animals?
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: Do you believe they're gonna turn Maple Leaf Gardens into a shopping centre? WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: Do you believe they're gonna turn Maple Leaf Gardens into a shopping centre?
WHAT YOU WOULD ORDINARILY SAY: If he hadn't broken his collarbone, he would have been in contention for league's leading scorer. Quelle Dommage! WHAT YOU SHOULD NOW CONSIDER SAYING: I just don't get concrete poetry and I'm not going to apologize for it!
I know that it's hard, but, if you just practice, you'll be having normal conversations in no time. Good luck!