We've all heard of the bumper sticker: "If Bush wins, I'm moving to Canada." The sentiment has traveled to t-shirts, which read: "No, I'm serious, if Bush wins, I'm outta here." There is even some talk of a poster with the line: "Look, this is the last time I'm going to say this: Bush in, me out!"
With Bush neck and neck with Kerry in the polls, we obviously have to take all of this talk of mass migration seriously. Naturally, Canadians will welcome American immigrants with open arms (it's our nature). However, if you've never actually met an American, and all you know about their country is what you see on CSI: Provost, Utah, you may not know how best to convey the warm welcome that is in all of our hearts.
I have spared no expense to put together the following list of dos and don'ts when dealing with recent American immigrants. Simply familiarize yourself with this list, then, when the inevitable situation arises, apply the appropriate welcoming etiquette. Your new formerly American friends will appreciate your sensitivity.
Do: put your arm around their shoulders and offer to buy them another beverage when they get all misty-eyed and nostalgic about the country they loved but had to leave. Don't: bring up My Lai, Richard Nixon or slavery. They're likely to be a little sensitive at this moment.
Do: explain how the different denominations of our money look. Don't: explain what that money is worth relative to other currencies. They'll learn soon enough.
Do: show them that they will be able to get all of the same entertaining and informative television programmes that they are used to watching. Don't: try to explain the popularity of Brent Butt.
Do: claim that a major difference between Americans and Canadians is that we're proud that half of our Supreme Court is now made up of women while they're proud that half of their Supreme Court is still breathing. Don't: be surprised if they throw something at you. Do: feel free to duck.
Do: explain to them how our status as a middle power nation leads us to support multilateral solutions to international problems, especially working through international institutions like the United Nations. Don't: bring up our penchant for buying used submarines that catch fire the moment they get out to sea. It's too soon to give them reasons to have second thoughts.
Do: offer to get them some killer weed at a reasonable price. Don't: be offended if they rush to the nearest phone to call the police. It's a reflex - they'll grow out of it.
Don't: refer to Jim Carrey, Mike Myers or John Cameron as "one of ours." You'll just embarrass the Canadians around you. Do: say you like American Idol more than Canadian Idol. It's a harmless enough fib.
Do: tell them that the head of the Canadian state is a Prime Minister, not a President. Don't: tell them that he's still a politician, no matter what the office is called. Let them hold on to their dreams as long as they can.
Do: patiently explain a fundamental difference between us: while Americans generally seem to despise government but are willing to let it to have access to increasing amounts of personal information, Canadians generally welcome government but aren't willing to allow it to have access to increasing amounts of personal information. Don't: bring up the C. D. Howe Institute - it will only confuse matters, and they're already tricky enough as it is.
Do: tell your new American friends that Toronto is like New York (feared and hated by the rest of the country) and Vancouver is like Los Angeles (considered the epicentre of flakiness by the rest of the country). Don't: try to fit Montreal into this picture because, well, there is no place quite like it.
Don't: talk about how Americans are becoming unwelcome in more and more parts of the world. Do: make sure to compliment the hair of the person you're talking to.
Do: point out that Canadians don't often put their points of view on bumper stickers because, owing to our penchant for complex arguments filled with nuance, they would creep up the backs of our cars and obscure our vision out of the rear window. Don't: draw the obvious conclusion...