The Exterminating Angel
written by Ira Nayman
The tie is a little crooked, but otherwise tied.PAUL It's the social contract, my dear. We get a lot of money, a big house, fine clothes, delightful food. Ah, there we are.
Finished, Ignacia turns to look at Paul. Frowning, she walks over to him and straightens his tie.PAUL (CONTINUING) In return, all we have to do is throw the occasional party.IGNACIA Yes, yes, I understand all that. But these people! You know that Bonnie and Peter are going to spend the night trying to prove they have a better grasp of social reality than anybody else in the room. And Echeverria -- he just gives me the creeps.PAUL But they're our friends.
(sighs)
She stands back and looks at him admiringly.IGNACIA Here, let me help with that.PAUL I built an economic empire -- I think I can do something as simple as tie a tie!IGNACIA Oh, hush!
Ignacia happily throws her arms around him.PAUL I was, uhh, thinking, it might be nice to get away for a couple of days -- maybe the Barbados -- maybe...this weekend.
They kiss passionately. INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT It is large, white and equipped with every modern appliance known to man. BUTLER (mid-30s, tall but otherwise non-descript), in tails, stands near the door talking to CATERER (late 30s, short, pudgy, platinum blond, overly made-up). CHEF, in the expected big hat, is working at a stove while two young women, PAULA and MARTINE, in identical maid outfits, place sushi on trays. Under the table where they are working, a large pot-bellied pig, wearing a black studded collar, snuffles at a bowl full of slops.IGNACIA Would you be willing to put that in a contract?PAUL Sealed with a kiss.
Caterer looks over the clipboard she carries in one hand.BUTLER That's everything, then?
The Caterer turns her head and abruptly walks out, leaving the Butler speechless. Meanwhile, almost done, Paula and Martine seem to be slowing down.CATERER Dinner for fifteen, as ordered.BUTLER You will, of course, stay to oversee everything.CATERER Ah, well, ordinarily, yes, I suppose I would do that, but, see, tonight I...I'm needed somewhere else.
(uncomfortable)BUTLER The Mistress will not be please.CATERER Totally...unavoidable, I assure you. But Benedict and the girls are more than capable of delivering the dinner on their own.BUTLER Undoubtedly. Still --CATERER Now, if you will excuse me.
They stop. Noticing this, the Butler walks up to them, clapping his hands.PAULA Do you feel it?MARTINE Oh, yeah. It feels like...like a first date.PAULA It feels like the end of the world.MARTINE It feels like the end of our jobs.
Paula takes off her apron.BUTLER Come on, now, girls. No time to dawdle -- the guests will be here at any moment.MARTINE We have to, uhh, go...PAULA Somewhere because we forgot to bring... uhh...MARTINE Something.PAULA Something important.MARTINE Exactly. Something important.BUTLER You can't go! You're needed here!
(loses temper)
Martine takes off her apron.PAULA There's no need for hostility.BUTLER You're being ridiculous!
Ignacia enters as they head towards the door.MARTINE I can live with that. What about you, Paula?PAULA I'm very comfortable with that.
Ignacia puffs herself up self-righteously.IGNACIA Jonathan, is every -- where do you two think you're going?PAULA Somewhere.IGNACIA Why?MARTINE Something.IGNACIA And what, precisely, are we supposed to serve if you go?MARTINE How about the pig?
(giggling)
Giggling, Martine and Paula drop their aprons by the door and walk out.IGNACIA Chairman Mao is a member of the family! I would just as soon eat one of my own daughters!MARTINE Suit yourself.
Ignacia turns towards the Chef, who gives a brave little smile, then bolts for the door.IGNACIA You won't get paid!
(after them)
(louder) I'll see that you never work again!
Butler shrugs helplessly. INT. ENTRANCEWAY -- NIGHT Like all the other rooms in the house, it is huge, containing massive wooden double doors and two other doors leading off in opposite directions. There is also a large curved staircase leading to the second floor. JORGE ECHEVERRIA (mid-40s, dark, impressive in suit but feral in manner), his wife INGRID (early 20s, blond bombshell dressed to accentuate her beauty), BEATRICE (teenager, dressed simply but radiating innocent beauty), RAOUL WINTERBOTTOM (late 30s, tall, thin, fit but somehow soft) and the GENERAL (mid-50s, tall, frail but somehow hard, limps slightly and walks with the aid of a cane with a silver skull handle which he rubs absently in times of stress) have just come through the open wooden doors and are milling about, removing their coats. They are all dressed for a dinner party.IGNACIA Is the whole world going mad?
Ignacia and Butler rush out the door to the kitchen towards them. Butler silently starts collecting coats.WINTERBOTTOM Are we supposed to hang our coats up at will?BEATRICE Maybe we'll need them -- these old buildings get awfully drafty...
Beatrice smiles radiantly, pleased. Jorge bows gently.IGNACIA Welcome, everybody! Welcome! Beatrice, you look stunning. Jorge, good to see you again.
Embarrassed pause.JORGE My pleasure, Misses Noble.IGNACIA Sorry we weren't able to greet you, but we've had a...well, a bit of a revolt in the kitchen...JORGE Rats leaving a sinking dinner party, is it?
They follow her in the direction of the dining room. Butler, coats in hand, goes to close the double doors, but EDWARD (teenager, pretty but callow) bursts in, small briefcase in hand.IGNACIA Very...droll, Jorge. Very...amusing.
(brighter) Not to worry, everybody. In my twenty years of giving parties, I have never lost a dinner guest yet. If you'll all follow me...
Edward takes off his jacket, which Butler immediately takes.EDWARD Not too late, am I? BUTLER No, sir.
Edward heads in the direction of the dining room.EDWARD Damn! Oh, well, no use prolonging the inevitable...
Edward disppears into the room. Gently shaking his head, Butler closes the doors and heads in the opposite direction. Pause. Paul walks out of a room at the top of the stairs and makes a dramatic entrance.BUTLER Your case, sir.EDWARD Yes. It is.
Looking around, he notices that nobody is there.PAUL My friends, my friends! Wel --
(expansive)
He wearily walks down the stairs and towards the dining room. As he walks past the door, a weak knock can be heard. He stops, straining to hear -- could he have imagined it? No, the knock is heard again. Paul goes to the door and throws it open.PAUL (CONTINUING) Oh, shit.
ANNA RUSSELL (elderly, frail, but with a tough spirit) walks in.PAUL (CONTINUING) My dear frien --
BONNIE SMITH (early 30s, glasses, mousey look but aggressive manner) enters.RUSSELL What's the idea of keeping me outside?PAUL Hello, Anna. I --RUSSELL You want me to freeze to death or something? I'm not as hearty as I once was, you know.PAUL I'm sorry. I --RUSSELL The change of the seasons was like nothing to me. Everything changes when you get old, of course. Who would have thought I would ever worry about freezing to death?
TANYA BEYER (mid-20s, slim, attractive, redhead with a dazzling smile) and PETER PIPER (late 30s, broad shoulders but weak mouth, buzz cut, bifocals, earring) enter as the Butler comes out and takes their coat.SMITH Not to worry, Anna. Nobody's going to die while I'm around.RUSSELL Doctor Bonnie! I am glad you're here!
Beyer looks at Piper with a critical eye.PAUL Tanya! Peter! So glad you could come!
Paul looks at Piper, who shrugs pleasantly.BEYER We didn't come together.PAUL I didn't say you had.BEYER As long as you know we didn't.PAUL Oh, well --BEYER Because we didn't.
They walk towards the dining room. Butler, their coats on his arm, walks in the opposite direction. INT. DINING ROOM -- NIGHT Paul sits at the head of the table, male guests on his right, female guests on his left, Ignacia at the opposite end. They are helping themselves to sushi from trays which have been dumped in the middle of the table.PAUL Well, why don't we catch up with everybody else?
Ingrid goes pale.RUSSELL Call this food?
(snorts)IGNACIA Sushi is a Japanese delicacy, Anna.RUSSELL Nonsense! If god had wanted us to eat raw fish, he would never have invented the oven!JORGE God? Are we the twelve waiting for the one?
Butler walks in with a huge tureen of soup.INGRID Jorge! For god's sake, don't blaspheme!JORGE It would be for god's sake, wouldn't it?
Everybody looks at her, mostly shocked.RUSSELL Ah, my saviour!
The Butler puts the tureen down on a small serving table near the dinner table. Meanwhile, Edward and Beatrice start to giggle, notice each other giggling, and giggle all the harder. INT. DINING ROOM -- NIGHT (LATER) The table has been cleared of the sushi. The Butler has just filled Paul's soup bowl from the tureen and walks with it to between Jorge and the General. Not used to serving, he awkwardly slops soup into their bowls.RUSSELL Can I help it if I don't like raw fish?
Butler trips on his way down the table, spilling soup on the legs of Piper, Winterbottom and Edward. Piper and Winterbottom jump up, enraged.PAUL ...because when they are elected, they have, in effect, entered into a contract with the people. But do any of them feel the need to honour their campaign promises? Pfah!PIPER But Paul, if the people don't believe a politician, they can always vote him out of -- I mean, they can refuse to renew his contract at the next election.PAUL And then what? Hire a politician just as bad? Until we have a means of ensuring politicians live up to their contractual obligations, democracy will be a hollow sham!RUSSELL Paul, I love you like a son, but sometimes you spout the most abject non --
Butler looks on, aghast.WINTERBOTTOM Jesus Christ! You clumsy asshole!PIPER I paid five hundred dollars for those shoes!
Long, angry pause.WINTERBOTTOM I want my drycleaning bill taken out of his salary!
INT. DINING ROOM -- NIGHT (LATER) Everybody is digging into a small roast duck on his or her plate with gusto.IGNACIA I think we're ready to move on to the salad.
(decisive)
Beatrice leans towards Beyer.JORGE ...get me wrong -- I love doing business with Americans. I've just never had as difficult negotiations with anybody as I have with Jews.PAUL No offense taken, old boy. It's hard to tell, sometimes, if Jews can really be considered, you know, Americans.BEYER Hey! Be careful what you say about Jews -- I was engaged to one a couple of years ago.PAUL Well, of course, Jews can be perfectly decent human beings as individuals. But I was talking about them as a group.
Beyer's face lights up. But, alas, we don't hear what she says, for we watch as Russell leans over to speak to Ignacia.BEATRICE Is it true what they say about Jewish men... you know, in bed?
(confidential)BEYER Is it!
A moment of embarrassed silence.RUSSELL What an uncouth thing to say. Who invited such an uncouth person to our dinner party?
(loud)IGNACE Now, Anna, we shouldn't judge the beliefs of others.RUSSELL But, Ignacia, some things one simply doesn't say. Think about what you want to think about by all means, but be careful what you say!
INT. DEN -- NIGHT Paul is showing the General, Smith, Ingrid and Russell a collection of ancient weapons in a case along one wall. MUSIC: piano playing an arhythmic, discordant tune.IGNACE Why don't we have coffee in the den?
(brightly)
Paul and the General rush to her side. INT. DEN (ANOTHER PART) -- NIGHT Beatrice and Edward are separately swaying to the music, which is quite fast at this point.PAUL (enthusiastic) ...not a single weapon from later than the 16th century. Modern warfare lets you kill indiscriminately without ever knowing your enemy. With these weapons, you have to look your prey in the eyes -- death is a much more intimate affair.SMITH Doesn't sound like much of an advantage to me.GENERAL It isn't.INGRID Oh, General, don't you have a collection like this at home?GENERAL Nope. Missus wouldn't allow it. Besides, it would be too much like...bringing the office home with you.RUSSELL My goodness, all this testosterone -- I'm feeling a little faint.
The music abruptly slows down, making them look ridiculous.BEATRICE I'm sorry. I've completely forgotten your name.EDWARD Edward. And your name -- you know, it's completely slipped my mind.BEATRICE Beatrice.EDWARD Pleased to meet you...Beatrice.BEATRICE The pleasure is all mine...Edward.EDWARD As my --
Edward delicately puts a hand on Beatrice's waist. She tentatively puts her arms around his neck. Although still quite far apart, they start moving to the music together.EDWARD Oh.BEATRICE Ahh...
The tempo slows again, and the rhythm changes. Edward puts his arm around Beatrice, who rests her head on his shoulder. They begin dancing, now quite close. They become increasingly excited as they speak.EDWARD As my fiancee says --BEATRICE You're engaged!EDWARD Yes. We're to be married in just over a week.BEATRICE Really? What an odd coincidence.EDWARD What is that?BEATRICE I, too, am engaged.EDWARD No!BEATRICE Yes. And I, too, am to be married in just over a week.EDWARD Fascinating. That is simply fasc --
The music speeds up again. They part, look at each other and laugh happily. INT. DEN (ANOTHER PART) -- NIGHT Jorge, Winterbottom, Ignacia and Piper stand by the piano, listening to Beyer play.EDWARD (CONTINUING) We've found a beautiful little church half an hour outside the city --BEATRICE So have we! We'll have both a Protestant and an Anglican priest to keep the peace between our two very different families.EDWARD As do we! I met my fiancee in an undergraduate university class...BEATRICE In a study group for computer science...EDWARD In the best damn computer science study group the university has ever seen!BEATRICE My darling!EDWARD My love!
Laughing, Beyer ends the tune with a flourish.WINTERBOTTOM What exactly are you playing?BEYER It's a composition of my own based on a work by Shostakovich.JORGE Shostakovich? Pere ou fils?BEYER Pere.WINTERBOTTOM It's very...innovative.
(painfully)JORGE It's crap.IGNACIA Oh, Jorge, I'm sure --
(laughs nervously)JORGE Shostakovich's ideas about atonality are fine in theory, but excruciating in practice.WINTERBOTTOM You're right. It's garbage.IGNACIA Please! Tanya, don't pay any attention to them!
Beyer stands up.BEYER It's okay, Ignacia. If they ask me nice, some day I'll play them some John Cage.WINTERBOTTOM John Cage?PIPER Don't ask.IGNACIA Would you give us another tune? Perhaps something more...traditional?
INT. DEN -- NIGHT (LATER) Winterbottom and Piper, standing near the cabinet of weapons, talk compassionately with each other.BEYER I'd love to, but I have to be on the set at six in the morning.WINTERBOTTOM It's our loss.
(relieved)BEYER I have to be in make-up bright and early -- tomorrow is my big death scene.IGNACIA Well, you, uhh, will certainly want to get a lot of rest for that...
Ignacia walks up to them.PIPER ...the astonishing slums of Rio de Janeiro. I was assigned to write an expose on the children who scrounge the vast garbage dumps for food or scraps of material they can sell to local recyclers -- it was terrible!WINTERBOTTOM Tell me about it! I was part of a fact-finding mission in the Brazilian rainforest two years ago. There were huge patches which were completely barren, like walking on the moon. I was sickened -- just sickened.PIPER In the city, five per cent of the population controls ninety per cent of the wealth.WINTERBOTTOM By the end of the century, eighty per cent of the country will be deforested.PIPER What a waste of human potential!WINTERBOTTOM What a waste of the world's natural beauty!
They smile, perking up for her.IGNACIA Can I get either of you gentlemen anything?
She leaves. Brief pause.PIPER Not for me.WINTERBOTTOM I'm okay, thanks.IGNACIA Well, if you do need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
INT. DEN (ANOTHER PART) -- NIGHT In front of a large cabinet on the front of which is painted an angel against a heavenly background, Jorge is talking to Beatrice.WINTERBOTTOM Wait a minute -- are we talking about the same thing?
(suspicious)
Pause. Beatrice loses her smile. Ignacia walks up to them.JORGE So, you'll be married in a couple of weeks.BEATRICE That's right.JORGE Can I give you a piece of advice?BEATRICE I would welcome it.JORGE The man...he has needs which can never be fulfilled in a marriage. You understand what I am saying?BEATRICE I don't think that will be a problem -- Edward really loves me.
(laughs)JORGE American men are so different?BEATRICE My man is different.JORGE Brides to be -- they are all the same.
(sadly)
INT. DEN (ANOTHER AREA) -- NIGHT Beyer and Ingrid are standing on the threshhold of the door.IGNACIA Is everything okay here?JORGE Delightful.BEATRICE Uhh, good, thanks.
(troubled)
Brief pause.INGRID You're an actress, too! That's amazing. I acted before I met Jorge -- of course, I had to quit when we were married.BEYER I don't think I could do that -- acting is all I ever really wanted to do...INGRID Jorge can be pretty persuasive when he wants to be.
Ignacia walks up to them.BEYER I, uhh, study under Roger Penrose -- he really stretches me as an actor.INGRID Yeah? I never had any formal training -- I just trusted my instincts.BEYER Wow. I really admire that. Creating a coherent, consistent motivation for a character can be so difficult. Sometimes, I'll be in the middle of a scene and think to myself, 'Why is my character doing this?'INGRID I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes, some ugly jerk will be screwing me and I'll be thinking, 'I wouldn't give this asshole the time of day -- I hope I'm projecting the right amount of sexual excitement for the scene.' But that's what I think is so great about acting -- you get to explore emotions you wouldn't necessarily feel in real life.BEYER Oh...well, yeah...
(shocked)
Ignacia walks away. Beyer looks at Ingrid uneasily. INT. DEN (ANOTHER PART) -- NIGHT Ignacia walks past Russell, who is sleeping fitfully on a couch. INT. DEN (ANOTHER PART) -- NIGHT Ignacia walks up to a place along a wall where the General is talking to Edward, who still has the briefcase in one hand.IGNACIA Everything okay here?INGRID Lovely party, Misses Noble.BEYER Uhh...yeah.IGNACIA Tanya, didn't you say you had to leave an hour ago?BEYER Yeah. I thought I should. But the conversation just got so damn interesting.IGNACIA Once we weave our spell, it's impossible for people to leave. Of course, you're welcome to stay as long as you wish. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
(laughs pleasantly)
They seem to ignore her.GENERAL So, you'll be married in a couple of weeks.EDWARD That's right.IGNACIA I was wondering --
Ignacia clears her throat, to no effect.GENERAL Can I give you a piece of advice?EDWARD I would welcome it.
Edward turns around.GENERAL Don't be selfish in bed. More marriages are ruined that way.EDWARD No problem there. Beatrice always has more orgasms than I do.
(laughing)IGNACIA Edward! How can you talk like that about your bride to be?
(shocked)
Ignacia turns to see that the General and Edward are actually off to the side, and she has been attending to their image in a wall length mirror.EDWARD Misses Noble?
She rushes off. INT. DEN (ANOTHER PART) -- NIGHT By the piano, Paul is talking to Smith.IGNACIA Oh! There you are!GENERAL Sorry. I was so engrossed in the discussion, I didn't realize -- are you okay?IGNACIA Fine. Fine. Is everything okay with you?EDWARD Fine, Misses Noble. Wonderful party.IGNACIA Good. I, uhh, must attend to my other -- excuse me.
Ignacia enters.PAUL Are you saying my wife is crazy?SMITH No, Paul. Of course not. It's just that I found no physical explanation for Ignacia's migraines.PAUL Maybe she should see a specialist. A neurological specialist.SMITH If you wish. But in my opinion, it would be a waste of money.PAUL So, you do think my wife is crazy!SMITH Not at all. I think she...has a lot of stress in her life. You know what they say: the fattest dove carries the least compromising disposition.PAUL Be that as it may, I assure you, my wife is the strongest woman you will ever have as a patient!
Smith sighs. INT. DEN -- NIGHT (LATER) Winterbottom, although he looks very uncomfortable, is sleeping in a chair near the cabinet of weapons. Beatrice and Edward, arms around each other, are curled up in a corner of the room. Jorge, Ingrid and the General are talking in confidential whispers in another part of the room.IGNACIA Bonnie, I've been feeling...well, faint the past few days. If it wouldn't be too much trouble, do you think you could prescribe something to help me?
Ingrid shivers. The General shrugs helplessly. In another part of the room, Smith kneels by the couch on which Russell is tossing and turning. Piper stands nearby, watching.JORGE Yes, I had noticed. Odd, isn't it?INGRID If it's true...
Smith shakes her head sadly. In another part of the room, Beyer primps a couch, then lies on it. She turns over, turns back, gets up, dissatisfied, and primps the couch some more. Paul and Ignacia are standing by the piano. Paul's tie is loose.RUSSELL The Wobblies will transform the world!
Paul puts an affectionate arm around her shoulder.IGNACIA Well, I think it's outrageous!PAUL What's that, dear?IGNACIA Nobody is leaving! What do they think this is -- a hotel?PAUL Remember the parties we used to give in the sixties? I remember one that lasted a week!
(smiling)IGNACIA That was different!PAUL How so?IGNACIA We're respectable now!
Ignacia demurs momentarily, then smiles.PAUL All the same, they are guests in our house. Let's do what we can to make them feel welcome, okay?
INT. DEN -- DAY It is early the next morning. Everybody is shaking the sleep from their eyes except Russell, who is still tossing and turning, and Beatrice and Edward, who look angelic sleeping in each other's arms. The men are no longer cleanshaven, and everybody is a bit dishevelled. Beyer, off to one side, is doing aerobic exercises.IGNACIA If they stay here more than one night, we start charging rent.PAUL Deal.
Beyer walks up to them and puts an arm around each of their shoulders.INGRID I'm hungry.SMITH Me, too.INGRID No, I'm really hungry.SMITH Can't I be hungry, too?INGRID Sure. But I'm hungrier. I'm really hungry.SMITH Okay. But that doesn't mean you have to belittle my hunger.INGRID I didn't. All I said was that I was really hungry.
Smith and Ingrid look belligerent for a second, then soften.BEYER I'm hungry. You're hungry. We're all hungry. So...let's eat.
Ingrid, Smith and Beyer head towards the door.INGRID Okay.SMITH Good idea.
(at same time)BEYER Is it okay if we raid the icebox, Ignacia?IGNACIA Be my guest.
(shrugs)
Jorge nods thoughtfully.GENERAL They're not going to make it through the door.
He stops dead as the three women reach the threshhold of the door and stop. They look out the door at the landing and the top of the spiral staircase, so inviting, but none of them move any further towards it.PAUL General, what are you...
They look at the door one last time, then turn back towards the room.BEYER Ignacia, is there any food in here?IGNACIA I'm afraid the desserts were finished last night, Tanya.BEYER Mmm...you know, my agent always says I should lose ten pounds if I want to be taken seriously as an actor...SMITH It's not healthy to be overweight.INGRID Yeah...
(unhappily)
Winterbottom looks at him for a moment, then looks away, defeated.PIPER How did you know that was going to happen?JORGE None of us has been able to leave the room since last night.WINTERBOTTOM That's nuts! There's nothing keeping us here.GENERAL Then leave.
Butler enters. He is bleary-eyed and looks like he slept in his clothes.PAUL I don't understand. Are you saying --
Butler exits.IGNACIA Jonathan, are you alright?BUTLER At you ser --
(raw voice)
(clears throat) At your service, Madame.PAUL Did you get any sleep last night?BUTLER As a matter of fact, I did, sir. Thank you for asking. And while the kitchen table is not the most conducive place for rest, I feel more than capable of fulfilling my duties.BEYER Can you get us some breakfast?IGNACIA Can you serve us breakfast in here?BUTLER I'm afraid we don't have enough on hand to make a breakfast for twelve. The, uhh, milkman didn't show up this morning.INGRID Are there any left-overs from last night? I'm so hungry, I don't care what you bring.IGNACIA Okay, we need a big pot of coffee, some juice and whatever food you can scrape up. Okay?BUTLER Very good, Madame.
She picks her handbag off the floor and takes out a package of cigarettes and a lighter.PAUL I'm glad we got that taken care of. Now, what's all this nonsense about not being able to leave the room?GENERAL I have noticed that whenever somebody tries to leave, they get as far as the threshhold, stop and turn back.PIPER Assuming what you say is true, why? Why should that happen to us?
(thoughtful)GENERAL I have no idea.SMITH God, I need a cigarette.
Smith looks at her in disbelief.IGNACIA I'm sorry, Bonnie, but this house is a smoke-free environment.
(gently)
And that's exactly what she does. She drags a chair over to the doorway, sits heavily down and lights up. Ignacia looks at Paul, who turns his palms up in a gesture of helplessness.SMITH Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go sit by the door and blow the smoke out of the room. Since we apparently can't leave anyway, it won't possibly be able to harm anybody.
Butler wheels in a cart. On the first level is a huge pot of coffee, a couple of pots of drinks and a pile of cups. On the other two levels are various items of food, sticky buns mixed with cold chicken legs.WINTERBOTTOM Okay, look. I can't be stuck here. I have a paper on the connection between overfishing and depleted fish stocks to finish by next Wednesday.INGRID Mmm, I could go for some fish right now.BEYER Look, we all have things we should be doing...WINTERBOTTOM Yes, but depleted fish stocks are important.BEYER Oh, Raoul, don't be such an --
Butler pours and hands her a cup.BEYER (CONTINUING) My god! I can feel my arteries hardening already!BUTLER Coffee?BEYER God, yes!
Butler pours and hands her a cup.BUTLER Misses Echeverria?INGRID Please.
Butler pours a cup.WINTERBOTTOM I could sure go for a cup of that.BUTLER Certainly, sir.
Butler looks over trolley as Winterbottom takes the cup from him.WINTERBOTTOM Is there any sugar?
He walks to the door, hesitating for a moment on the threshhold. Then he walks back to the trolley, where people are helping themselves to food and beverages.BUTLER Ahh, no, there doesn't appear --IGNACIA Jonathan, would you please bring us some sugar?BUTLER Certainly, Madame.
The Butler goes back to the door, where he struggles for several seconds. Unsuccesfully. He returns to the trolley.PAUL What are you doing?BUTLER I thought I should finish serving the coffee before I --PAUL We can do that. You were given an order. Bring us some sugar.BUTLER Yes, sir.
Jorge begins to laugh. All attention goes to him.PAUL What is this?BUTLER I...I'm sorry, sir.WINTERBOTTOM What kind of a household are you running here, Paul? I've never seen such insol --
INT. DEN -- DAY (LATER) Everybody has a plate of mostly finished food in one hand and a cup of coffee or glass of alcohol from a small bar in one corner in the other. Beyer talks glumly with Piper.JORGE Congratulations. You're one of us, now.
(to Butler)BUTLER Sir?JORGE It's the American dream, isn't it? To leave behind one's humble origins and become a member of the ruling class?PAUL Ahh...Jonathan, don't worry about the sugar.BUTLER Thank you, sir.
(relieved)
Ingrid walks up to them.BEYER They're going to replace me.PIPER After only one day?BEYER It may be one day to you or me, but it's one hundred thousand dollars to them.PIPER Still --BEYER No, I can see it now. The producer is on the phone to the completion guarantor who is telling him it would be cheaper to reshoot all my scenes with another actor than wait another day for me to show up. God, if I get a reputation for unreliability, I'm dead in the industry. My career is just dead.
Ingrid walks off.INGRID I wouldn't worry, dear. My experience is that if a director wants you badly enough, he'll do anything to get you. For a part, I mean.
Ingrid walks past Beatrice and Edward, who are sitting close to each other under the cabinet with the angel painted on it. Beatrice playfully holds a half-eaten chicken leg tantalizingly close to Edward's mouth. After a couple of seconds, he tries to bite it, but she snatches it away, giggling. Edward then holds a piece of roast beef in front of her face. After a couple of seconds, she bites at it. Edward doesn't quite get it away; Beatrice bites off a little. The rest smears her chin with dark grease. She smiles coyly as she chews her food, then kisses Edward, smearing a little of the grease on his face. They laugh happily. Meanwhile, in another part of the room, Smith and the General are kneeling next to Russell, who is feverishly tossing on the couch.BEYER But I wasn't even his first choice!
(sobs)
Smith looks at her for a moment, then stands up. The General follows.RUSSELL No, I don't want an antacid tablet! For god's sake, Gerald, I'm going into labour!SMITH It's delerium brought on by the fever.GENERAL Is she in any pain?SMITH Hard to tell, but I don't think --RUSSELL Barbie? No, Theresa, I'm not getting you such a sexist -- no, no, don't cry. Oh, my dear, I know it's hard for you to understand now, but some day you will, and you'll thank me. Really, you will.
In another part of the room, Paul steps up to the piano, puts down his plate, takes a gulp from a glass of wine and, putting it down next to the plate, addresses the room.GENERAL How serious is it?SMITH My guess is she'll be dead before morning.GENERAL Is there nothing you can do, doctor?SMITH If we were --RUSSELL Watch out for the penguins! The penguins!
(urgent)SMITH If we were at the hospital, I could probably stabilize her condition. Here...all I can do is give her some aspirin I found in the bathroom and hope it helps.RUSSELL What do you mean, I'm an unfit parent!SMITH I'm not very hopeful.
Everybody turns their attention towards him.PAUL Okay, everybody -- everybody? Hello?
Attention shifts to where Beatrice and Edward are getting to their feet.PAUL (CONTINUING) I know these are...unusual circumstances...WINTERBOTTOM You got that straight.PAUL But we have to rise above that. We are all members of civilization -- when we were born, we entered into an agreement, a contract, if you will. We're all successful: businessmen, artists, doctors...journalists. In return for our success, we have an obligation to act...civilly. In a civilized fashion.JORGE Out there, maybe, Paul. In here, who knows what the rules are?BEYER Out there? How do we even know there's any out there left any more?INGRID Of course there is!BEYER Prove it. Prove there is anything outside this room.INGRID There is! We all know there is! And the people out there...they're doing their best to get in here and help us!SMITH We're important people! They can't just let us stay in here and forget about us!IGNACIA We have to believe that.WINTERBOTTOM What are you going to do about this, Paul?PAUL Me? What can I do?WINTERBOTTOM You were the one who invited us. It was your dinner party -- this is all your fault.BEYER I could have gone to the bar mitzvah of my former fiance's nephew, but I chose to come here instead.PAUL Hey, look, you all came here of your own free will. You've been to my dinner parties before -- you always seemed to enjoy them.WINTERBOTTOM That was before they went all Twilight Zoney on us.BEATRICE Leave him alone. What's happening to us isn't his fault.
Beatrice looks around for a moment. Then, finding nothing, she uses the sleeve of her dress to wipe the grease off his face.JORGE What do you mean?EDWARD It's a question of quantum indeterminacy.BEATRICE Uhh...EDWARD Wha...?
Beatrice uses her sleeve to wipe the grease off her own face.EDWARD Oh. Thanks.WINTERBOTTOM Excuse me, but what the hell are you talking about?
Pause. Edward and Beatrice look triumphant. Everybody else looks at each other, confused.EDWARD When you're confronted with a choice, the neurons in your brain fire in patterns which will determine your behaviour. In simple behaviouristic models, if a contemplated action has adverse or negative consequences, you tend not to do it. Burn yourself often enough and you learn not to drink liquids that are too hot.BEATRICE But on a deeper level, your brain is made up of quanta, little packets of potential energy. According to modern physics, you can never really be sure what quanta are up to. Maybe they'll help you decide to walk through a door, or...maybe they'll play a trick on you and cause neurons in your brain to fire in a pattern that keeps you in a room. You can never tell with quanta.
Everybody looks in the general direction of the door. Piper notices that he's closer to it than anybody else.PAUL College kids. Believe the answer to every problem is scientific.
(laughs uncomfortably)EDWARD Look, it's really quite simple. The possibility that twelve people will, as one but for their own individual reasons, decide not to leave a room is exceedingly small.BEATRICE It's not impossible. Just very, very, very, very, very...very unlikely.GENERAL But that's exactly what's happening.BEATRICE Exactly.
(pause) Edward and I have given this considerable thought, and we think that one possible solution is to randomly remove the element of choice from somebody's decision.SMITH How do you propose to do that?EDWARD By pushing somebody out the door. That would show those pesky quanta who's boss!
INT. DEN -- DAY (LATER) Beyer walks up to the broad curtains covering a large window. Ignacia watches her.PIPER Hey, no way! Nobody's gonna push me through that door.BEATRICE Well, of course, the point is that you wouldn't be expecting it...PIPER I'll kill anybody who tries to push me through the door. I'll fucking kill them!
(vehement)EDWARD Mmm...well, we'll obviously have to work on our little experiment's design and get back to you...
Pause.IGNACIA What are you doing?BEYER Opening the curtains. We need sunlight.IGNACIA Sunlight?BEYER It has important vitamins and other stuff we need. Simple sunlight deprivation can put people in a lousy mood, as you may have noticed.IGNACIA Sunlight deprivation?BEYER That's right.IGNACIA But...
Beyer looks at the drapery sash doubtfully for a couple of seconds. When she reaches out to pull it, her hand hesitates. She fights against something within herself for a couple of seconds, then withdraws her hand without ever touching the sash.BEYER Yes?IGNACIA What if...there's nothing out there?BEYER What?IGNACIA What if the world is gone? What if you pull back the drapes and there's just...nothing where the world should be?BEYER Oh, Ignacia, don't worry. The world is out there, just as it has always been. You'll see. The police or the army or somebody has scientists trying to get in to help us.IGNACIA You think?BEYER See for yourself.
INT. DEN -- DAY (STILL LATER) Edward and Beatrice are staring into each other's eyes, rapt.BEYER (CONTINUING) You know, the research on the value of sunlight is really inconclusive...
They beam at each other. From a distance, the General, disgusted, and Ignacia, enchanted, look on.EDWARD Send me your most winsome smile...
(reciting)BEATRICE Share your thoughts on love with me...
(reciting)EDWARD For we know that all the while...BEATRICE Our thoughts are on eternity!
INT. DEN -- NIGHT Smith is sitting by the door, puffing away on a cigarette. Piper walks up to her.GENERAL Talk of eternity comes easy to those who are nowhere near it.IGNACIA Oh, General! Weren't you ever young?GENERAL I had responsibilities!
Smith looks at the half-smoked cigarette for a moment, then flicks it out of the room.PIPER You should try to make them last. Who knows how long we might be here?SMITH What can I do? When I have to have a cigarette, I have to have it.PIPER What will you do when you run out?SMITH I'll slice up one of the Monets on the wall to use for rolling paper and smoke the thickest shag carpet in the room!
(long pause) Uhh, you know, I think now would be the perfect time for me to quit...
They look out the door, momentarily apprehensive. INT. DEN -- NIGHT (LATER) Everybody is sleeping in a convenient place except Smith and the General, who are kneeling next to Russell, whose breathing is very heavy, and Beatrice and Edward, who lay entwined in a corner.PIPER No, wait!SMITH What?PIPER What if it starts a fire out there? We're trapped in here...
Beatrice thinks for a moment, then disentangles herself from him and gets up.BEATRICE This is really lame.EDWARD I know. But what can we do?
She takes him by the hand and helps him up. He barely has time to pick up his briefcase before she heads purposefully towards the bathroom. As they pass the couch on which Russell tosses, she sits up, lucid.BEATRICE Follow me...
Smiling contentedly to herself, Russell closes her eyes and lies back on the couch.RUSSELL Bonnie?SMITH Anna?RUSSELL What's happening to me?SMITH You...you're dying, Anna.RUSSELL Oh, is that all?
(relieved)GENERAL Misses Russell?RUSSELL At least I won't be here to see it.SMITH See what, Anna?RUSSELL The extermination.
But there is no use. Anna Russell is dead. Pause.GENERAL The what?SMITH Anna? Anna!
Smith looks at him for a moment, disgusted. Then, she sighs heavily.GENERAL Ms. Smith?
(more insistent) Ms. Smith.SMITH What?GENERAL We mustn't leave her here.SMITH You think we should...move her?GENERAL Imagine what will happen in the morning when people wake up and see her dead body. It won't be good for morale.SMITH What will we do when people notice she's missing? Tell them she had to leave? I don't think anybody will buy that one.GENERAL Being told she died in the evening isn't as bad as being confronted by her actual body. It won't be as much of a shock.SMITH But -- oh, I know. I know. Where do you suggest we move her to?GENERAL That cabinet -- the one with the angel. Will you help me?
INT. DEN -- DAY Everybody is robotically milling about, up but still not quite awake. The men's facial hair is a day longer; everybody is a day grungier. Some people have taken their shoes off.SMITH Shall I take the head or the feet?
Smith walks away in disgust.JORGE Aren't we becoming a cozy little Arab encampment? At least we're spared the desert heat.SMITH First Jews, now Arabs -- don't you like anybody?
Nearby, Winterbottom is flexing his back, Piper watching indulgently.JORGE Contempt is good for business.
(shrugs)
Piper looks at him for a moment, not sure what Winterbottom is getting at. Looking into a wall length mirror, Ingrid and Beyer are fussing with makeup while Smith, standing between them, is combing her hair.WINTERBOTTOM I haven't slept on a couch since college -- god, I don't miss it!PIPER I was in Nicaragua for six months. For all but about two weeks, I was grateful to sleep on a dirt road.WINTERBOTTOM That explains the quality of your reporting...
(snorts)
Beyer stops applying lipstick to her lips.SMITH All I'm saying is that women have a different experience of the world because we inhabit different bodies. This is something we can't expect men to understand, so we should always be there for each other, to validate each other's experience and to support each other.BEYER Sounds good to me.SMITH Uhh...Tanya, dear, is that the only lipstick you have with you?
Smith smiles helpfully.BEYER Y...yes.SMITH Oh.BEYER Why?SMITH Oh, it's nothing, really.BEYER No, really. What do you see?SMITH Well...it's just that that particular shade doesn't compliment your complection. You really want a lipstick that will bring out the warm tones of your skin. Not that you aren't beautiful no matter what lipstick you wear.BEYER Do you, uhh, have anything I can borrow?SMITH I'm sorry, but I'm really not a makeup person.BEYER Oh...SMITH Oh, Tanya, don't worry! If anybody can pull it off, you can!
She goes back to putting on her lipstick, but with far less confidence.BEYER Thanks...
(unconvinced)
Ingrid touches the bun at the back of her head self-consciously. In another part of the room, the General is talking to Paul and Ignacia.INGRID That wasn't very nice.SMITH Ingrid, do you have to wear your hair up like that?
She looks stricken. Paul puts a comforting arm around her shoulder.PAUL This is the most extraordinary thing...GENERAL Nothing surprises me any more.
(shrugs)PAUL You've grown jaded, General.GENERAL Hazard of the profession.IGNACIA Something is missing...PAUL Dear?IGNACIA I can't quite put my finger on...Anna. She's -- where is she?GENERAL Ahh, I'm afraid Misses Russell has, err, gone south on us.IGNACIA She got out of the room?GENERAL Not exactly. Let's just say that she is...no longer with us.IGNACIA So, she has left us.GENERAL In a manner of speaking.IGNACIA I'm sorry, but I don't understand. How did she get out of the room?PAUL She's dead, Ig.
(gently)IGNACIA Oh...oh!
INT. DEN -- NIGHT (TWO DAYS LATER) Everybody is definitely grungier. Ignacia and Ingrid talk near the cabinet with the angel on it.GENERAL I've never been good at breaking the news to civilians.PAUL Perhaps you should let me handle that, General.GENERAL Good man.
(relieved)
Ingrid looks at a watch on her wrist.IGNACIA How long have we been here?
Ignacia nods grimly. Elsewhere, Piper, Beyer and Winterbottom sit gloomily on a couch.INGRID Four and a half days...
In another part of the room, Paul watches them. He shakes his head sadly, then turns to Jorge and the General.WINTERBOTTOM I'm starving.PIPER Children in Africa are starving. You're just very hungry.WINTERBOTTOM Wha -- who are you to tell me I'm not starving?
(huffy)PIPER Look, when your stomache bloats to the size of a watermelon, then you'll be starving.WINTERBOTTOM It must be hard, Peter, always knowing just the right thing to say to put people at their ease. How do you do it?
(acid)BEYER Raoul, it's only been a couple of days since the food ran out.WINTERBOTTOM Your point being...?BEYER The human body can survive for thirty days or more without food. We can go without water for only two or three days.WINTERBOTTOM Is there some sort of encyclopedia of depressing knowledge that you two pull your facts out of?
Winterbottom, Piper and Beyer are looking thoroughly depressed.PAUL They're starting to dwell on things. That's not good.GENERAL Anybody in the trenches who looked like he was thinking too much was ordered to do five hundred push-ups.PAUL Mmm...let's hope it doesn't come to that, General. Thanks.JORGE Perhaps a parlour game...charades or something?
(pause) Hmm...perhaps not.PAUL Think about it for a moment. For literature, somebody could choose "Death in Venice."JORGE Comprenez. For theatre, Death of a Salesman.GENERAL How about the film Kiss Me Deadly?JORGE Death on the Nile.PAUL Night of the Living Dead...
(pause) This is no good: now we're starting to dwell on things...
Piper and Winterbottom look at her in surprise.WINTERBOTTOM I could eat a horse.PIPER Palamino pony or thoroughbred?
(skeptical)WINTERBOTTOM A big one.PIPER Would you eat Up and At 'Em?WINTERBOTTOM How big is she?BEYER Wasn't Up and At 'Em put out to stud?
Smith walks past them, kicking Beyer's bare feet with one of her shoed ones. Beyer yelps in pain.BEYER (CONTINUING) My dad always said it was good to have a hobby...WINTERBOTTOM Yeah, well...I think I'm hungry enough to eat a triple crown winner. I always figured them to have a lot of meat on them.BEYER Uggh. It would be all muscle. Very fatty. You wouldn't want --
Smith stops and turns back towards the people on the couch.SMITH Sorry.
(unconvincing)BEYER Hey! That hurt, goddamit!
As one, they look at his feet, noticing that he's wearing shoes.SMITH I said I was sorry.BEYER You think you can walk anywhere you want just because you're still wearing shoes?SMITH You think people have to tread carefully around you because you're not?BEYER Shoe people think they can walk all over anybody or anything!
(getting hot)SMITH Barefoot people are constantly demanding recognition of how delicate they are!
(getting hot)BEYER It's people like you that start wars and gut corporations and throw millions of people out of work!
(shouting)SMITH Yeah? It's people like you who bankrupt the country by bleeding social programs dry!
(shouting)PIPER Uhh, don't you think the two of you are getting a little carried away?SMITH AND BEYER Stay --
(together)
Everybody looks at him.BEYER Stay out of this!WINTERBOTTOM My god!
(appalled)
INT. DEN -- DAY (NEXT MORNING) Ignacia stands at the threshhold of the doorway to the den, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She looks out but sees, instead of the hall and the stairs, a mirror image of the room. She looks, blinking, having difficulty comprehending what she's seeing, as Edward poking his head out of the door to the bathroom. He goes back in, then sneaks out holding the hand of Beatrice, who follows. In his other hand is his briefcase. Ignacia looks over her shoulder to see that, yes, Edward and Beatrice are stealthily making their way around sleeping bodies to an empty corner of the room. Ignacia turns back to the door, where she sees Beatrice and Edward sitting down, arms around each other. She turns back to the room to see Edward and Beatrice snuggling on the ground. SOUND: loud crash. Ignacia turns towards the door, which has returned to normal. On the first floor, the pot-bellied pig has knocked over a grandfather clock.WINTERBOTTOM (CONTINUING) Sartre was right!
Beatrice and Edward have joined Ignacia at the doorway. Others are waking up in the background.BEATRICE What was that, Aunt Ignace?
Below, the pig is madly roaming about.IGNACIA Hard to tell -- it's still pretty dark down -- oh, my goodness, it's Chairman Mao!
Everybody is now standing in the doorway behind Ignacia, Ingrid and Winterbottom still not fully awake.GENERAL Isn't he that dead Chinese Commie?
(off)EDWARD It's the family pet, General.
(off)SMITH It looks awfully big to be a dog...
(off)IGNACIA It's a pot-bellied pig. From China.
(off)
Ignacia rushes off, followed by Paul.BEATRICE Poor Mao! She probably hasn't eaten for days!WINTERBOTTOM Too bad -- less meat on her for us.IGNACIA Don't say that! Chairman Mao is a member of the family! I would just as soon eat one of my own daughters! Oh!
Smith walks away in disgust. People generally start to disperse. SOUND: indistinct, distant bleating of sheep.SMITH Nice going, ace. I bet you park in spaces reserved for the handicapped, too.
(to Winterbottom)
SOUND: definite bleating of sheep. Winterbottom and Edward come to his side, in roughly the same position as the three women approached the doorway in an earlier scene. The three men confront three sheep in identical positions on the other side of the door.PIPER Hey, wait. Did you hear --
The sheep opposite him bleats.EDWARD What do we do now?
(whispers)
The sheep opposite him bleats.WINTERBOTTOM Sons of bitches must sense they're safe on that side of the door.
The sheep opposite him bleats.EDWARD So, what do we do?
The sheep opposite him bleats.PIPER Somebody break off a large piece of that mirror and bring it over here.
SOUND: from off, a loud crash, a lot of glass breaking and residual tinkling. Jorge and the Butler bring them a high piece of glass.IGNACIA But my mirror! It...it creates the illusion of space!
(off)PAUL There, there, dear. We don't need the illusion of space right now.
(off)
The sheep opposite him bleats. Jorge and the Butler turn the glass on its side, then Piper, Winterbottom and Edward take it from them. It is long enough to reflect all three sheep, who seem mesmerized by it.PIPER Okay, turn it on its side and everybody grab hold...
Jorge and the Butler move aside as the three men slowly walk backwards into the room. At first, nothing happens. Then, the sheep docilely follow. They back up further and further until the sheep cross the threshhold and are in the room! Jorge and the Butler silently step in behind them, blocking the doorway.PIPER (CONTINUING) Okay, now, walk back slowly. Very slowly.
They prop the glass up against a wall far from the doorway.EDWARD Excellent! What now?PIPER Now we kill them.EDWARD Kill them? Us?
(loses his enthusiasm)
Paul looks down at a lamb.GENERAL If you'll clear me a little room, boy, I'll kill one of the sheep for you.PAUL No. It's my dinner party -- this is my responsibility.
They embrace. Piper, Winterbottom and Smith look at them in disbelief. Beatrice sighs heavily. The lovers momentarily part.PIPER You know, I don't even care if it's kosher.WINTERBOTTOM I don't care if we don't have a proper mint jelly.SMITH I don't care that I ended up with such a fatty piece.EDWARD This is just like summer camp, isn't it? So much more intimate than the dinner parties we usually go to.BEATRICE You know what I don't care about? I don't care that you elbowed your way past everybody to get the biggest piece of meat.
(concerned)EDWARD I was hungry, my love. Hunger makes people do selfish things.
(contrite)BEATRICE Poor boy! And, I suppose we did all get our share eventually...
(softening)EDWARD Still, I was a cad.BEATRICE Promise you'll never behave that way again?EDWARD On my life.BEATRICE My love!EDWARD Dear heart!
They embrace with renewed fervour. As one, Piper, Winterbottom and Smith turn away in disgust. Meanwhile, in another part of the room, Paul, Ignacia, the General, Jorge and Ingrid eat near the piano while Beyer plays. They are all finishing eating; the bones on the plate on the piano in front of Beyer have been picked clean. Paul's clothes are stained with blood.EDWARD What is it, my darling?BEATRICE Our first argument!EDWARD Wasn't it ghastly?BEATRICE Say we'll never argue again!EDWARD Never, my love!
Ad-libbed agreement from the others.PAUL A tuba! What a useless instrument! If I had taken up the violin as Mamon had wanted, at least we would have had something to burn!GENERAL Don't be too hard on yourself, Noble. You couldn't possibly have known.
Beyer strikes a loud, discordant note which takes a few seconds to fade away.INGRID Can you imagine the fire we could have gotten from an oboe?
(dreamy)JORGE I always did love the string section...
(smiling)IGNACIA I'm partial to woodwinds, myself. A clarinet may not burn long, but how bright!GENERAL What about the piano? A good piano must burn --
Long, awkward pause. Then, Beyer starts to play again.BEYER Let's leave pianos out of this.
Ad-libbed agreement. INT. DEN -- DAY (THE NEXT) The General, Smith and Winterbottom stand by the bar, drinking. The bottles are mostly empty.PAUL The viola. Now, there's an instrument!
Ingrid, holding back a little discomfort, walks up to them.SMITH Oh, Margaret is obviously in love with Spiros.WINTERBOTTOM What makes you say that?SMITH Did you see the way she looked at him at Mary Garamond's party?WINTERBOTTOM No, I must admit --SMITH You never were much good at catching the subtleties of human interaction, Raoul.
(smiling)WINTERBOTTOM Hey! I just don't think you can infer great passion from a --
Embarrassed silence.INGRID I have to pee.
They watch her as she walks off. Then Smith turns to Winterbottom.INGRID Really. I have to pee really bad.GENERAL Why don't you use the bathroom?INGRID Edward and Beatrice are hogging it!SMITH That's not like them. They usually sneak out before anybody notices.WINTERBOTTOM As if we all aren't perfectly aware of what they're up to!SMITH I think it's rather sweet, act --INGRID Hello! Remember me? The one who is desparately trying not to pee on the carpet?GENERAL Go chase them out.INGRID I can do that?GENERAL If you ask me, they're being damned selfish and inconsiderate. You're perfectly within your rights to demand that they leave.INGRID Yeah...yeah. Thanks, General.
Ingrid walks past, stunned.SMITH What about what Margaret told her sister a couple of weeks ago?WINTERBOTTOM That? That was so...ambiguous.SMITH It seemed pretty clear to me.WINTERBOTTOM But...but...but -- General, help me out, here.GENERAL Sorry, but I don't own a television set.SMITH I'll bet she's going to tell him on this week's episode.WINTERBOTTOM We'll see.
(brief pause) Well, we can always find out about it in reruns...
She walks away. They look at each other, then rush to the bathroom. INT. BATHROOM -- DAY From the floor, we look up to see the door open and Smith, Winterbottom and the General poke their heads in and survey the scene. Winterbottom is shocked, the others surprised.SMITH Ingrid?INGRID I, uhh, yeah.SMITH Did you -- you didn't go to the bathroom.INGRID I couldn't. They looked so...I couldn't.
Smith looks intently for a couple of seconds, letting the question hang in the air.WINTERBOTTOM Are they...?
Brief pause as they look in one last time and gently withdraw. ANGLE ON: Edward, propped up against one wall with Beatrice's head on his shoulder. Their eyes are closed, but there are beatific smiles on their faces. INT. DEN -- DAYSMITH I don't detect any rising or falling of the chest -- yes. I would say they are.WINTERBOTTOM They look so...GENERAL Peaceful?WINTERBOTTOM Exactly. How could they have done this?SMITH Paul doesn't keep any drugs in the medicine cabinet of this bathroom, if that's what you're thinking...GENERAL Perhaps they just lost the will to live.
Ingrid steps out of a tall cabinet with a religious motif painted on the front. Inside is a marble jar which comes up to her chin. Although there's no way of knowing how she accomplished it, she no longer seems to be in discomfort.WINTERBOTTOM You know, Margaret's problems don't seem that important any more.GENERAL Real life has a way of intruding, doesn't it?
INT. DEN -- DAY (LATER) Everybody is listless and depressed. Beyer annoyingly plinks on the piano, but nobody has the energy to tell her to stop. Winterbottom steps out of the cabinet with the religious motif on it; the General steps in. Smith steps into the middle of the room.INGRID Much better. Much, much, better.
(to herself)
Ingrid's eyes widen in horror.SMITH This place is a sty. We need to clean it up.JORGE Why?
(disinterested)SMITH We owe it to ourselves.JORGE Why?SMITH Because we can't maintain our dignity living in such filth.
(losing patience)JORGE Why?SMITH Because we're living like animals! It's like we haven't evolved beyond the primates!JORGE Why?SMITH For god's sake, Jorge! You're talking like my five year-old! Look, it's not healthy to live in filth -- deadly bacteria grow in dirty --
(exasperated)BEYER So? Did you really want to live forever? Here? Like this?SMITH For god's sake, Paul! Can you talk sense to --INGRID I'm thirsty.PAUL Why don't you get some water from the bathroom?
Paul claps his hands.INGRID Oh, no! They...they're in there. And they're starting to smell.IGNACIA Oh, I don't think so, dear. They haven't been ...in there long enough to decompose properly. What you're smelling is probably poor Anna.SMITH Look, are we going to clean up this place or --
INT. DEN -- DAY (YET LATER) Waiter, in his shirtsleeves, is hacking away at a wall with a battleax from the cabinet of weapons. He is almost through the brick. Everybody watches him intently.PAUL That gives me an idea!
Piper walks up to the wall carrying a mace.WINTERBOTTOM What if they've turned off the water?BEYER You know, Raoul, there's a point at which cynicism stops being fashionable and starts being a major pain in the ass.WINTERBOTTOM So I've heard...
Waiter stands aside as Piper takes a large chunk out of the wall.PIPER Here. Let me.
On the second swing, Piper hacks through the wall and exposes a pipe.PIPER (CONTINUING) I've wanted to do this ever since I lived in Colombia.
Piper gestures towards Waiter, still holding the ax. Waiter walks up to the hole in the wall.WINTERBOTTOM Is that lead?PIPER Maestro...
Waiter swings the ax and bursts the water pipe.SMITH Okay, now. Remember -- everybody gets one glass to start. If you're still thirsty, you can always get more.
Glasses in hand, most of the people rush towards the burst pipe, which is gushing water.SMITH (CONTINUING) Don't try to drink too much all at once -- your body won't be able to handle it! Remember -- take it easy!
There is a lot of pushing and shoving. Piper gets to the pipe and eagerly starts filling a glass with water. Seeing what is happening, the General puts a hand on his shoulder and spins Piper around.IGNACIA My beautiful carpet!
(to herself)PAUL Okay, let the women at the water first. Women first!
They lock eyes, the younger man's physical strength versus the older man's moral authority. It's no contest. Piper turns back and continues filling his glass.GENERAL Didn't you hear? Women first.PIPER I'm thirsty!
INT. DEN -- NIGHT Ingrid is sitting on the floor next to the final sheep. One end of a man's tie has been firmly tied around its neck; the other is firmly attached to one leg of the piano. Not that it matters: the docile sheep isn't going anywhere. Ingrid strokes the sheep's neck, but it hardly acknowledges her presence. Paul walks over and kneels on the other side of the sheep.PAUL Umm...yes, well, there's plenty for everybody, so let's just all wait our turn and, uhh, everybody will be able to get a drink...
She looks at the sheep. Paul is at a loss for words.PAUL Ingrid, it's time.
(gently)INGRID I've been trying to comfort it, Paul.
(confused)PAUL That's commendable.INGRID But, it doesn't want to be comforted. It's as if...as if it knows what it's fate is going to be and is...content.
Paul searches through his pockets, finding a handkerchief in his pants. It is flecked with dried blood. He hands it to Ingrid.INGRID (CONTINUING) Paul, do you have a handkerchief?PAUL Yes, I think I...
She uses the handkerchief to blindfold the sheep. Then, she mouths a silent prayer.PAUL (CONTINUING) Here you go.INGRID Thanks.
Everybody's attention goes to him.INGRID Okay, you --WINTERBOTTOM Why is this happening to me? I'm a good person -- I mean, I gave to LiveAid! And, and, and my wife volunteers a couple nights a week with autistic children. Do I deserve this?
(shouting)
Paul gets to his feet and approaches them.GENERAL Probably.WINTERBOTTOM What?
(dumb)GENERAL You're so full of yourself. You don't deserve this? You have no guilty secrets? You've never...cheated on your oh so compassionate wife?
(snorts)WINTERBOTTOM Now, wait just a --GENERAL Alone in an alien city for a conference on... ozone depletion or some such nonsense. It would be the most natural thing in the world to share your loneliness with a woman with a nice smile and a warm and willing shoulder...WINTERBOTTOM Deforestation.
(defeated)GENERAL I'm sorry?WINTERBOTTOM The conference was on deforestation.
Beyer turns her back on him.PAUL General, please. These are my guests...GENERAL Pfah! This room is a rat's nest of guilty secrets. You, you're so obsessed with the sanctity of the contract -- have you never taken a tax deduction you hadn't earned?PAUL Well, I hardly think --GENERAL And our lovely character actress --BEYER Leave me out of this.
Beyer winces, but does not respond.GENERAL It's a difficult profession. What compromises did you have to make to succeed?
Pause.SMITH What about me?GENERAL What about you? Perhaps...you betrayed a female friend for a relationship with a man, or perhaps you fantasize about being submissive with a male lover, or --
(shrugs)IGNACIA General, really!WINTERBOTTOM What about you?GENERAL Me?WINTERBOTTOM You must have done horrible things when you were in the army.GENERAL Worse than you can possibly imagine.WINTERBOTTOM And you feel no guilt?GENERAL I did what I had to do with my eyes open -- I never tried to fool myself that it was anything other than what it was. And I believed in it.WINTERBOTTOM So, no guilt whatsoever?GENERAL I feel none.WINTERBOTTOM Then, leave.
General looks at the door for several seconds. The distance seems insurmountable.GENERAL I'm sorry...WINTERBOTTOM Go. Through the door. Leave the room.
Long pause. Then, a phone starts to ring. Distant. Muffled. But definitely a phone.GENERAL I...prefer to stay and watch what happens.
(weak)WINTERBOTTOM You can watch just as easily from the other side of the door, can't you? Go out and come back if you like. Surely, a man as strong as you, a man as innocent as you, can do something as simple as walk through a door!PAUL Okay, that's enough.
Everybody looks at each other, uncertain. Paul walks up to Ignacia.IGNACIA There's no phone in this room.
(dreamy)
Paul looks at her helplessly for a moment, then comfortingly puts an arm around her shoulder.PAUL Now, uhh, dear...IGNACIA There's no phone in this room!
(hysterical)
He looks around, then walks briskly to the door of the bathroom. Jorge hesitates there for a moment. Then, putting his arm in front of his nose and mouth, walks in. Everybody watches the door as the seconds pass -- two, three, four. Then, the ringing stops.IGNACIA (CONTINUING) There's no phone...no phone...no phone...
(sobbing)JORGE That ringing is coming from something...
Long pause.JORGE (CONTINUING) Hello? Jorge Echeverria -- who?
(off)
(pause) Oh. Are you --
Pause. Jorge walks out of the bathroom, a little stunned. He is holding a cellular phone in one hand.IGNACIA Did you instal a phone in the bathroom?
(confused)PAUL Don't worry, dear -- it will all be explained soon.IGNACIA I don't remember --JORGE Yes, but isn't there anything you can -- I understand that, but --
(off)
(pause) Yes, alright then. Yes.
Jorge goes to the bar and rummages through the empty bottles. Ingrid makes like she is going to walk to his side, but thinks better of it and stays where she is.JORGE (CONTINUING) Isn't life a son of a bitch?GENERAL What's going on?JORGE You know how we all thought that as soon as people outside knew what was happening, they would find a way to help us?BEYER Yes?
(hopeful)JORGE They know.
(dark)
Ad-libbed expressions of surprise and dismay.JORGE (CONTINUING) Goddam bar's just like a woman -- it promises so much, but when you really need it --SMITH Cut the shit, Jorge. What's going on?JORGE They've been trying to get in for a week.
Ingrid hugs herself.JORGE (CONTINUING) A week, and nothing. The Army has cordoned off the house to ensure nobody accidentally stumbles in --WINTERBOTTOM They can't intentionally get in, and they're worried that somebody without their expertise or equipment will accidentally get in?JORGE Isn't this the country of inspired amateurism?
(shrugs)GENERAL Are they doing anything?JORGE Certainly. They have Priests, Rabbis and a shrine of Buddhists praying for a happy resolution to this problem.
Jorge looks at her like she's insane.INGRID At least they haven't forgotten about us totally.
Pause. Jorge looks at the phone in his hand and, with a start, realizes that it is not an alien artifact, but something he can actually use. He flips it open and dials a number.BEYER Are there TV reporters?JORGE Of course.SMITH Not that they'll do you much good stuck in here.BEYER True. But we all need a reason to keep going.JORGE Do you believe that? The kid had a cellular phone in that little bag of his all the time we've been here!PIPER They must have known the extent of our... uhh...IGNACIA Do you think that's why they, err...
(gasps)PAUL Best not to think about, ahh, you know. What you probably shouldn't be thinking about.
Ad-libbed agreement. Jorge ignores it; he looks apoplectic.GENERAL Hey, what do you think you're --JORGE Philip? Yes, it's -- yes, I'm still here! And believe me, when I --
(into phone)
(pause) PIPER For god's sake, Jorge! I could use that phone!
General grabs the phone out of Jorge's hand and hangs it up.JORGE What? You tell those cocksucking sons of bitches that I'm still in charge! If I lose a single peso on that merger, they're going to wish they were never born! Here's what you do --
(into phone)GENERAL That's enough!
Jorge tries to grab the phone back, but the General moves it out of his reach. Unfortunately, this puts it within the reach of Piper, who grabs it away.JORGE Damn you, I wasn't finished!
The General and Jorge jump on him. The three men fall in a heap. Punches are thrown, but at such close quarters they have little effect.PIPER This is an incredible story! I've got to get through to my edit --
Winterbottom, still on his feet, reaches down to pick the phone off the floor where it has been dropped. Just before he can get his hands on it, however, it is kicked across the room by one of the fighting men. It stops at the feet of Smith, who picks it up. The men quickly get to their feet and move towards her threateningly. Looking around for something with which to defend herself, she finds a long knife in the cabinet of weapons, which she picks up and brandishes, inexperienced. The men stop moving towards her.PAUL Gentlemen, please. This is no way for civilized people to behave!
With one hand, Smith awkwardly opens the phone and dials a number.WINTERBOTTOM Bonnie, be reasonable.
(calm)
Smith dramatically hits the last button and puts the phone to her ear.GENERAL We all have important phone calls to make.
(reasonable)PIPER Wait until we can figure out a reasonable way of figuring out who should use the phone.
(rational)WINTERBOTTOM For god's sake, don't be so selfish!
(panics)
The phone starts to make a beeping noise.WINTERBOTTOM This can't be so important that --SMITH Hello, Jody? Baby? Yes! Yes, it's -- I'm okay, baby. I'm good. Listen, is daddy there?
(into phone)
The phone stops beeping. Smith looks at it for a moment, then viciously throws it away.SMITH (CONTINUING) Could you put him on for me? Jody? Jody! This is very import -- hello? Baby? Can you hear me? Hello? Hello!
Long pause as everybody works out the implications for themselves. A couple of people stare daggers at Piper.SMITH (CONTINUING) It's dead.
(to nobody in particular)IGNACIA Then, we're all dead.PIPER No, maybe just one of is dead.JORGE Que?PIPER Maybe this is like that movie...something about Owl's Creek. Maybe, maybe one of us in this room is dying, and these are his or her last thoughts...IGNACIA I don't think I like the idea that I may be dying...GENERAL Would you rather be a figment of the imagination of somebody who is dying?
Everybody moves off to his or her area of the room, most dwelling on the subject of death. Smith steps into the middle of the room.IGNACIA That wasn't very helpful, Peter. That wasn't helpful at all.PIPER Can I help it if I like movies?
(shrugs)
Long, gloomy pause, everybody isolated by their thoughts. EXT. STREET -- DAY A crowd has gathered at a barricade on the sidewalk opposite the house. Nearby, a crude wooden shack has been hastily constructed. T-shirts with an image of the house being sucked into a black hole with the legend "I survived Black Hole House" hang off the structure. Balloons with the image of the house and the black hole fly from the structure. There are also buttons, although we can't quite make out what is on them. Near this, Hare Krishnas are chanting, Rabbis are bobbing forward and back in silent prayer and several Priests are milling about and talking, uncertain what they should be doing. A POLICEMAN (late 30s, solidly built, ruggedly handsome) stands on the side of the barricade putting him between the house and the crowd. Men in space suits are poking the house with impressive equipment.SMITH Don't give in to despair! We're obviously very much alive! As long as we keep thinking about this...situation, we're bound to come up with a reasonable, rational explanation --WINTERBOTTOM You want a reasonable, rational explanation?SMITH Yes.WINTERBOTTOM We're fucked.
Ignoring him, the Priest leads half a dozen under 10 year-olds across the street. As they pass through the gate, a van with a fancy news logo on the side pulls up to the barricade. REPORTER (late 20s, female, TV attractive) and CAMERAMAN (late 30s, lean, blase attitude), camera poised for action on his shoulder, jump out.POLICEMAN I can't keep you back, but, for your own safety, I'd strongly recommend that you stay away from the house, at least until we have some idea of what is going on in there.PRIEST May I take my class there?POLICEMAN Why would you want to do that, Father?PRIEST To teach them a moral lesson.POLICEMAN I really wouldn't recommend it...
(shrugs)
She walks towards the Priest and children, Cameraman following.REPORTER Is the house where all those rich people can't get out?POLICEMAN Well, yeah, but --REPORTER Come on, Ignatz.
A dozen feet from the huge wooden double doors in the front of the house, the Priest is in full oratorical flight.POLICEMAN Nobody has been able to get in or out for close to two weeks! Not even experts! I'm warning you! It could be dangerous!
(shouting)
The Reporter and the Cameraman arrive on the scene. He immediately starts shooting.PRIEST ...greed which is destroying the moral fibre of this great country...this continent...this whole doomed planet.MELISSA So, are you saying that, like, for their sins, the people in this house were...grounded by god?
(confused)PRIEST Exactly, Melissa. Very good.CHUCKIE What's the big deal? It's just a house.
Through the Cameraman's lens, we see Chuckie tentatively walk towards the front doors, then stop.MELISSA Why don't you go in, Chuckie?CHUCKIE Any time.PRIEST Yes, Charles. Why don't you go in?CHUCKIE Uhh, yeah. Sure thing, Father.
(less certain)REPORTER Get the kid. Get the kid.CAMERAMAN Okay.
Chuckie puts out a foot, but quickly pulls it back.PRIEST Why are you stopping, Charles?
(off)
Chuckie turns and runs away.PRIEST (CONTINUING) Go on, Charles. Why don't you go into the house?CHUCKIE Don't wanna.
(quiet)PRIEST I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Would you please repeat what you said?
(off)CHUCKIE I don't wanna.
(loud)PRIEST Why don't you want to go into the house, Charles? It's only a plain old house, isn't it? Nothing to be afraid of, is there?
(off)
Chuckie lets go of the balloon.CHUCKIE I don't wanna go in the house! I don't wanna! I don't wanna!
(screaming)
TV camera moves off Chuckie, finds the balloon and follows it as it lazily drifts upwards.REPORTER Ooh -- follow the balloon! Follow the balloon!
(off)
Brief pause as the balloon continues its ascent.REPORTER (CONTINUING) So much for the innocence of children, eh, Father?
(off)PRIEST We are all born into sin, Miss.
(off)REPORTER Oh. Right.
(off)
INT. DEN -- NIGHT Everybody sleeps fitfully except the General, who has slept through worse. After a couple of seconds, a ghostly image of Winterbottom rises out of his sleeping body and checks itself out. SOUND: distorted chanting mixed with industrial noises. Winterbottom's ghost, satisfied by its reality, walks over to the door, pauses for a moment, then pokes a finger out of the room. Nothing happens. The ghost looks back at the sleeping people, including Winterbottom, and elatedly jumps through the door. EXT. HOUSE -- DAY Winterbottom's ghost walks jauntily up the driveway. Nobody else is around. After a few steps, he begins to float upwards, growing as he goes higher. This pleases him even more. MUSIC: melancholy piano tinkling fades in and and of the other sounds. The ghost goes higher and higher, getting larger and larger, until his face dominates the clouds in the sky.CAMERAMAN Beautiful...
(off)
Winterbottom's ghost just grins. INSERTS The ghost's face in the clouds is replaced by a woman's face in a dingy hotel room. A man's hand reaches towards her face and opens one eyelid as wide as it will go. His other hand holds an open straight razor, which he menacingly brings closer and closer to her eye. CUT TO: a picture of the sun. Suddenly, a solar flare shoots out to the right. CUT TO: the man about to slice open the eyeball. Suddenly, his hand shoots out to the right, the razor flying out of his hand. INT. DEN -- NIGHT Ingrid is tossing and turning.PIPER (vo, distorted) I always figured you had a huge ego, Winterbottom, but this is really going too far!BEYER This is so embarrassing! Come down from there! I'm not kidding! Come down right now!
(vo, distorted)
INSERTS Lipstick slowly makes its way out of a tube. SOUND: revving of a chainsaw. A couple of seconds later, a chainsaw cuts across the screen, cutting the lipstick in two. CUT TO: skyscraper, in the same position as the lipstick, undulating in the heat of a summer's day. SOUND: revving of chainsaw. A couple of seconds later, a chainsaw cuts the screen, shearing off the top of the building. CUT TO: pool table. Paul slowly sticks his head up over the table, in the same position as the lipstick and building. SOUND: revving of chainsaw. Paul's eyes worriedly dart in the direction the chainsaw previously came from. INT. DEN -- NIGHT The General is sleeping soundly, except for the odd twitching of his lips. INT. DEN -- NIGHT (DREAM) The image is black and white. Hovering above the scene, we see everybody is where they were on the first evening of the dinner party (Beyer playing the piano, one group of people gathered around it to listen, another group watching Paul show off his cabinet of weapons).BEATRICE You mustn't give in to despair.
(vo, distorted)IGNACIA Now, now, dear. You're dead. I don't think you're in any position to tell us how we should go about things.
(vo, distorted, gentle)
The image reverses, white on black.RUSSELL The corridors of time require a strong disinfectant.
(vo, distorted)
Image reverses again so that it is normal. SOUND: peel of bells, starting low at first, but building until it drowns all of the other sounds out. The image reverses and goes back to normal two or three more times as there is a SLOW FADE TO BLACK. The bells fade out a little, so that they can still be heard a couple of seconds after the picture is gone. INT. DEN -- DAY A curtain has been drawn around the piano, which, because it is raised, makes it look like a stage in a theatre. The General, followed by Jorge, Ingrid, Winterbottom and Beyer advance on the area.JORGE How profound is this wisdom contained in your old folk sayings!
(vo, distorted)
Pause.GENERAL Paul? Paul Noble! Come out -- we have something to discuss!
Pause.WINTERBOTTOM Come on, Paul. Don't make this any harder than it already is.
Paul pulls back the curtain with a dramatic flourish. Everybody flinches except for the General, who stands his ground with an almost demented certainty.GENERAL Okay, this is the way it is: you are the host. Everything that has happened here is your responsibility. Not your fault, perhaps, but definitely your responsibilty. So, we've decided that the only reasonable solution to our dilemma is for you to die. We --
Paul steps off the stage to confront them. Ignacia follows. Piper and Smith soon step up to their side. Butler hangs back, watching attentively.PAUL You want to kill me?WINTERBOTTOM It would break the spell! We could finally get out of here!
Beyer, losing her desire to play out this scenario, walks onto the recently abandoned stage and sits by the piano.IGNACIA Think about what you're saying!JORGE We have.
SOUND: dramatic piano tinkling.INGRID We can't think of anything else!SMITH How can you want such a terrible thing?WINTERBOTTOM We took a vote.
Paul looks at them for a moment, then walks over to the weapons case, followed by the General, Ingrid and Smith. He taps a panel and a hidden drawer opens. From this, he takes out a modern gun.SMITH What?WINTERBOTTOM We debated the pros and cons of our current situation, and we democratically decided that Paul has to die.PAUL I don't recall being allowed to vote in this election.GENERAL It was more of a referendum.JORGE For purposes of the vote, you were determined to be a hostile alien and were ruled, therefore, to be ineligible.PIPER What about me?WINTERBOTTOM You were asleep when the vote was taken. Surely, the process is not invalidated by some people's apathy!GENERAL Face it, Paul: it is the will of the majority of the people in this room, as expressed by a free and democratic vote, that you die. Preferably as soon as possible.
SOUND: ironic piano tinkle.PAUL I guess there's no more to be said, then.SMITH Paul, you can't mean --PAUL It's the social contract, the will of the people.
Paul puts the gun to his head.PIPER Paul, that's grotesque.PAUL That's democracy.
(shrugs)
Everybody turns to give her their attention.IGNACIA Wait!
Beyer laughs unconvincingly and plays the last few bars of the tune.IGNACIA (CONTINUING) Look at us -- we must have crossed this room thousands of times, must have come together in every possible combination.WINTERBOTTOM So?IGNACIA So, here we are, back in the same positions we were in weeks ago, the night this...this all started.WINTERBOTTOM But --IGNACIA Tanya, you were playing that dreadful tune -- play the last little bit of it now, won't you, please?BEYER Are you sure about this?IGNACIA You were laughing. Can you laugh for us as you play?
(getting excited)
Beyer ends the tune with a flourish. Ignacia's excitement is catching on.IGNACIA (CONTINUING) Jorge...didn't you say something about the music?JORGE Yes. I believe I said something like...Shostakovich's ideas about atonality are fine in theory, but excruciating in practice.WINTERBOTTOM Then I added: you're right. It's garbage.IGNACIA Please! Tanya, don't pay any attention to them!
Pause.BEYER It's okay, Ignacia. If they ask me nice, some day I'll play them some John Cage.WINTERBOTTOM John Cage?PIPER Don't ask.IGNACIA Would you give us another tune? Perhaps something more...traditional?
Beyer stands up.IGNACIA (CONTINUING) You stood up to go.
(under her breath)BEYER Right. Sorry.
Pause. Everybody nervously looks at the door.BEYER (CONTINUING) I'd love to, but I have to be on the set at six in the morning.WINTERBOTTOM It's our loss.
Beyer strides up to the door, hesitates for a moment, then walks through. A moment of stunned silence, then everybody rushes for the door. EXT. STREET -- DAY Across the street from the house, a small crowd is milling about. Paula stands on the fringes of it. Martine walks up to her.BEYER You know, I'm really sick of this room.
Nearby, the Reporter is talking to the Policeman. They both drink coffee from styrofoam cups. The cameraman stands close to them.PAULA What are you doing here?MARTINE Missing 90210. You?PAULA I left my husband and children at the dinner table.
(shudders) This better be worth it.MARTINE What better be worth it?PAULA I wish I knew...
They turn as Beyer and Winterbottom walk out of the house, followed by the others. The crowd lets out a little cheer. Reporter turns to Cameraman.POLICEMAN Oh, I've had to do worse. Lots worse.REPORTER Un hunh.POLICEMAN Oh, yeah. I once had to spend an entire shift guarding a morgue. I mean, really! It's not like anybody there was going anywhere, you know what I'm saying?REPORTER Sure, I -- hey, what's that?
He picks up his camera and they head across the street. The partygoers are wearily walking up the driveway towards the gate.REPORTER (CONTINUING) Ignatz, come on!
EXT. TELEVISION STUDIO (ESTABLISHING SHOT) -- DAY It is a low, squat, ugly building. A marker on a patch of grass identifies it. There is a gate through which a lane passes and makes its way up to the front doors. Off to one side we see a little bit of a parking lot.GENERAL You know, Paul, personally I'm glad we didn't have to kill you after all...
(over)WINTERBOTTOM But the dead people obviously weren't in their places, so...
(over)
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO -- DAY PROFESSOR (short, dumpy, fortyish, glasses, precise and annoyingly nasally speech) sits on a stage with Beyer and Noble.PROFESSOR I seem to be running the risk of repeating myself, but...
(off)
HOST (tall, slightly chubby but beautifully dressed and made up, oozing compassion) stands in front of a studio audience, microphone in hand. Sitting in the front row behind her are Ignacia, the General, Piper, Smith, Winterbottom and the Butler.PROFESSOR (CONTINUING) ...as I said before, what we seem to be dealing with here is some sort of collective hallucination which spontaneously sapped the wills of all of the individuals in a specific location. However, the mind is a complex thing which we barely understand, so I would admonish your viewers not to jump to any glib conclusions.
She is so sincere when she says this that the audience is moved to applaud. Ignacia and Winterbottom join in; the others sit stone-faced.HOST Wise words, Professor. Thank you. Tanya Beyer, any last thoughts on what you went through?BEYER Well, you know, it's hard to imagine what it was like -- I hope people won't judge us too harshly. The amazing thing wasn't how... unpleasant we became towards each other. For me, the amazing thing is that all of us retained a core of decency and maintained our human dignity throughout.
The applause dies out.HOST Ama...amazing. Simply incredible.
The Host looks warmly into the camera.HOST (CONTINUING) And finally, Paul Noble. A dinner party where nobody seems able to leave -- surely every host's worst nightmare. What have you learned from this ordeal?PAUL Well, Angela, I believe that when we are born, we enter into a contract with god, and this --HOST We only have fifteen seconds left, Paul.
(good-naturedly)PAUL Well, I just wanted -- we break this contract at our peril. That's all.
Heavy applause from the audience. The lights in the studio dim as Host walks onto the stage, where the guests stand, milling about.HOST It's a crazy world, getting crazier by the minute. The weather is going haywire. Politicians are throwing up their hands and saying, 'No, I can't do anything about crime...or poverty...or health care.' And now, decent citizens find themselves inexplicably confined to dinner parties. Yet, despite all this, miraculously, we find a basic compassion for others. It's a compassion which comforts us and gives us hope for a better tomorrow for all human beings. Compassion for the suffering of others -- that is the lesson of this extraordinary story.
The lights in the studio go back up.PROFESSOR Mister Noble, I'm astonished --BEYER Fuck off, you little shit! You don't have the slightest idea what the fuck you're talking about!HOST Now, now. Hold on for just a few seconds, and then you can --DIRECTOR We're clear.
(distorted voice off)
Smattering of applause as audience members get to their feet and, aided by ushers, head towards the front door. Paul and Beyer join the group from the party on their way out. Professor lags behind a moment, then heads out as well. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO (BACKSTAGE) -- DAY Host and two cameramen walk through a curtain and approach an open door which will take them out of the studio.HOST Thank you all for coming. I hope you enjoyed the show.
(to audience)
She trails off as they get to the door and hesitate going through.CAMERA ONE Pretty good show today.HOST People stuck at a dinner party? We were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with...
Host starts walking back towards the curtain.CAMERA TWO You okay?HOST I...why don't we go out with the guests?CAMERA TWO What? But you hate --
They follow her.CAMERA TWO But Ange -- wait!
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO -- DAY Host, trailed by the two camerapeople, walk onto the stage, where they see the audience milling about in the doorway. Not a single person has gone through.CAMERA ONE Why the sudden interest in the audience?HOST I don't know...maybe I've been too harsh on them.CAMERA ONE Calling them festering emotional ghouls and heartless jackals? Yeah, I would say that's a bit harsh.HOST Well, I --
Host and camerapeople look at each other, dumbfounded. EXT. CITY STREET -- DAY A COP stands at a barricade. A small crowd mills around out front. MAN walks up to the barricade.HOST What's going on here?AUDIENCE ONE I wanted to...to stay for the next taping.CAMERA ONE That was the last show. We're not taping any more today.AUDIENCE ONE I can...wait until tomorrow.HOST It's time to go home.AUDIENCE TWO But we had such a good time at the taping -- can't we just...stay in the studio a while?
Cop nods his head behind him.MAN What's going on?
Man strains to look.COP Television studio.
Man stops looking.MAN Are they shooting something on the street?
(excited)COP Naah. Audience can't get out of the building. We can't get in. The whole building is being quarantined for public safety.
The Cop looks over his shoulder for a second, then looks back at the crowd.MAN Oh.
(disappointed)
(brief pause) Television! All it's good for is brainwashing people. Some day, there's gonna be a revolution and the whole stinking thing will come crashing down!
Disgusted, the Man turns away from the barricade and slowly makes his way through the crowd. Somebody else immediately takes his place. EXT. TELEVISION STUDIO -- DAY A flock of a dozen sheep are slowly making their way through the gate of the studio, slowly ambling their way towards the front door. We watch for several seconds. FADE TO BLACK The end of The Exterminating AngelCOP Don't count on it.
