INT. DILDO SECTION – DAY Paul walks down an aisle full of masturbatory aids.PAUL Hello. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, our thoughts turn to gifts for our loved ones. The fur-lined handcuffs for dad…the three speed vibrator with adjustable head for mom…the gorilla mask for Uncle George and who could forget the deck of Playmate playing cards for Little Timmy? The trouble is, you could spend days searching through different stores to find all of these things. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was one shop where you could satisfy all your Valentine’s Day needs?
(to camera)
INT. S/M SECTION – DAY Paul stands in the middle of an aisle full of whips, chains, leather, etc., his arms stretched out to take everything in.PAUL Well, now there is! The Love Box is 350,000 square feet of sexual aids…
(to camera)
INT. VIDEO SECTION – DAY Paul walks down an aisle of video boxes.PAUL Toys and games…
(to camera)
INT. DEN – DAYPAUL And, of course, the largest selection of adult videos outside of Vivid’s warehouse!
(to camera)
Paul looks off, sheepish.PAUL You see, here at The Love Box, we have everything your heart – or any other part of your body – could possibly desire. So, think of us for all of your Valentine’s Day needs. And, remember, KY Jelly is not something you put on a peanut butter sandwich.
(to camera)KARLA Stop!
(off)
ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. DEN – DAY Paul sits in a recliner reading the Wall Street Journal. KARLA (45, soft features, big hair, 50s clothing) sits in a high-backed chair, knitting a half-finished "Home Sweet Home" sampler. SOUND: phone rings. Paul puts down his paper and picks up the receiver.PAUL What? What did I say?
Paul puts a hand over the mouthpiece.PAUL Hello?CARAVAGGIO You goddam, cocksucking motherfucker! I should cut your motherfucking heart out of your motherfucking chest and feed it to the goddam –
(on phone, 60ish)PAUL Please hold.
Karla puts down her knitting. Paul hands her the phone. He then picks up the newspaper and begins reading again.PAUL (CONTINUING) Honey?KARLA Yes, dear?
(looks up)PAUL It’s for you.
Karla puts a hand over the mouthpiece.KARLA Yes? Yes?
(listens) Oooh, yes! Yes. Ooh, do continue!
(listens) Yes. Yes. Yes. Go on. Go on. Yes. Y – what?
(pause) What did you say?
(pause) I’m sorry, but I don’t have to put up with that!
Karla hands Paul the phone the phone, which he promptly hangs up.KARLA (CONTINUING) Darling?PAUL Yes, dearest?KARLA Please hang up the phone.
Paul nods sagely. He goes back to reading and Karla returns to knitting. After a moment, POPPY (15, pudgy, pierced eyebrow, skull tattoo on one shoulder, chain smoker, not smart but full of attitude) and SAMUEL (17, always wears black and dark sunglasses, serious but polite to his elders) enter. Poppy is wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Charles Manson working at a computer with the caption: "Charlie DO surf."PAUL Anything wrong?KARLA That horrid man was the owner of The Love Star Boutique.PAUL The sex shop down the street?KARLA Exactly. He said it was people like us building large box emporia that were closing down mom and pop operations like his.PAUL Well, that was the business plan.KARLA Of course. It’s just that…to be amusing, obscene language must be purposeless. Swearing in anger – that’s just fucking vulgar.
Paul and Karla look at each other, uncertain about how to react.POPPY Mommy, Daddy, this is Samuel. We’re going steady.
Karla nods her head in Samuel’s direction. This gets Paul’s attention. Paul looks at her, uncertain of what she is trying to convey. Karla quickly nods twice in Samuel’s direction. Paul gestures "What?" Karla nods more forcefully towards Samuel. Light finally dawns on Paul’s face.PAUL Oookay. Uhh…KARLA What my husband is trying to say is: do practice safe sex?PAUL I am?POPPY Dad!PAUL Sorry.SAMUEL I would like to assure you, sir, we’re…I – that I have only the most honourable intentions towards your daughter.PAUL Ah. Good. That’s settled, then.
Samuel looks worriedly at Poppy. She nods in Paul’s direction: "Go." Samuel gives her an "Are you sure?" look. Poppy nods vigourously.PAUL (CONTINUING) Ah. Samuel. If you don’t mind, I’d like to have a word with you.
Paul stands.SAMUEL Oh, well, I would like that, sir.
Poppy looks at Samuel for a second, then exits. Paul puts a fatherly arm around Samuel’s shoulder.SAMUEL (CONTINUING) Poppy –KARLA Poppy will relieve Minnie on checkout counter 12.POPPY Mom –!KARLA Now, dear, what do I always say?POPPY "Better a coffee break for 15 minutes than a union forever."KARLA That’s my girl! Now, get along, you.
(beaming)
(shoos a hesitant Poppy away) Scoot!
INT. VIDEO SECTION – DAY Paul and Samuel are walking through a vast section of porn videos.PAUL Son, were you aware that frottage is not the French word for cheese?
INT. FOREIGN VIDEO AISLE – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Paul and Samuel turn a corner. SYB (18, tall, thin, completely androgynous with dyed yellow hair, colourful clothes that jut out at odd angles and bright slashes of facial makeup – think Ziggy-era David Bowie) stands talking to a YUPPIE COUPLE.PAUL So, tell me a little about yourself.SAMUEL Well, sir, I’m an A student –PAUL Straight?SAMUEL Average.PAUL Well, that’s something.SAMUEL I’ve been working hard to get my GPA up so I can get into an Ivy League school.
Syb and the Yuppies chuckle pleasantly.PAUL Ivy League school, hunh?YUPPIE WOMAN …recommend a film starring an Asian American actress?SYB Well, some people prefer Asia Carrera’s experience, but others like Kobe Tai’s youthful enthusiasm. It’s sort of a James Bond thing. Some people love Sean Connery, others swear by Roger Moore.YUPPIE MAN What about George Lazenby fans?SYB You should check out the S/M section of the store.
(pleasantly)
Arm in arm, the Yuppies walk away.SYB (CONTINUING) Seriously, though, we have compilation tapes with both actresses. Why don’t you check a couple of those out and decide which you prefer? Look in Aisle 4 – Asian, compilation.YUPPIE MAN Thanks.
The Yuppies exit.YUPPIE WOMAN Such good service!YUPPIE MAN And so knowledgeable.YUPPIE WOMAN I’m going to recommend this place to everybody at the bridge club!
Syb turns towards Paul and Samuel.PAUL Syb?
INT. S/M SECTION – DAY An aisle full of latex clothing, whips, chains and other paraphernalia. Paul and Samuel walk down the aisle.SYB Hey, dad.PAUL Samuel, this is our other child, Syb.SAMUEL Pleased to meet you, ma’am…uhh, sir…uhh…PAUL Syb, this is Poppy’s new beau, Samuel.SYB Charmed…
(withering)
INT. TABLE – DAY JEANNA FINE and RON JEREMY sit behind a desk on which sits a sign telling us that "veteran porn stars will be signing their tapes and other merchandise on July 8 from 1 to 5." A lineup stretches out of frame. Fine is signing a poster while CUSTOMER 1 eagerly watches.PAUL You see, Samuel, our Poppy is the baby of the family. Naturally, her mother and I are very protective of her. Poppy…Poppy is like a delicate flower that –POPPY Price check on lavender scented ben-wa balls, aisle 17!
(over PA)PAUL A delicate, err, flow –POPPY Who forgot to put a fucking tag on the scented ben-wa balls?
(over PA)PAUL She’s very, umm…SAMUEL Delicate?PAUL Exactly.
Fine hands Customer 1 the poster. He nods and rushes off with it. CUSTOMER 2, the next in line, steps up to Jeremy and hands him a videocassette in a box.FINE …love fucking. I mean, I’d do it 24 hours a day if my body could hold up. So, porn films seemed like a natural thing for me. Here you go.
Jeremy starts writing on the box.CUSTOMER 2 Could you sign it, "To Fluffy, with love"?JEREMY Fluffy?
(stifling a smile)CUSTOMER 2 My wife. It’s our anniversary.JEREMY Fluffy it is.
Fine smiles.CUSTOMER 2 You’ve been in the industry a long time, right?JEREMY Don’t remind me.
Jeremy finishes with a flourish and hands Customer 2 the box.CUSTOMER 2 What’s the biggest change since you started?JEREMY Viagra.
Customer 2 hurries away.CUSTOMER 2 What?FINE Don’t get him started.
(chuckling)JEREMY A good fuck scene takes three, four hours to shoot. Keeping a hard-on for that long takes talent. Holmes had it. I had it. A few others. Now? All producers want are pretty boys. Guys who couldn’t keep it up for four minutes, let alone four hours. Except when they take Viagra. These days, you don’t need any talent to be a porn star, just a good fucking pharmacist!
(getting worked up)CUSTOMER 2 Oh. Uhh, thanks.
(shaken)
CUSTOMER 3 walks up to Fine and hands her a cassette box.JEREMY Don’t mention it.
(bitter)
Fine starts writing on the box.FINE Who is this for?CUSTOMER 3 Bruce?
Paul and Samuel walk past the table.CUSTOMER 3 (CONTINUING) So, uhh, how did you get into porn, anyway?FINE Are you kidding? I love fucking. I mean, I’d do it 24 hours a day if my body could hold up. So, porn films seemed like –
INT. DILDO AISLE – DAY (CONTINUOUS) Paul and Samuel turn a corner and walk down an aisle full of masturbatory aids, mostly dildos. They walk down a lineup of customers, mostly men, mostly carrying video boxes.PAUL …not your average family…SAMUEL I’ll say! You live on top of the biggest porn store in the world!
Man nods in understanding. ACT TWO INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT Like all good fathers, Paul sits at the head of the table. Karla sits to his right. Jeremy sits to his left. Fine sits next to Karla. Poppy sits next to Fine; Samuel sits opposite Poppy (next to an empty seat). The meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas have been served, and everybody is eating heartily except Samuel, who is picking at his food listlessly.PAUL Well, uhh, there is that. I simply meant, however, that, as people, we…we’re hard for some people to accept. I want to be sure you…well, that you fit in.SAMUEL Not to worry, sir.PAUL No?SAMUEL I have kind of a…dark side myself.
(confiding)PAUL Oh…
(dubious)WOMAN CUSTOMER I was thinking of asking her to sign my vibrator, but, then, I didn’t want what she wrote to…fade out, you know?
(to man beside her)
KARLA It must be exciting – being in show biz?
(to Fine)
FINE Oh, sure. In any other business, when somebody wants a piece of you, he means financially…
(snorts)
(flustered)
The money.
So, you, uhh, don’t love the sex?
Karla nods sagely to herself. ANGLE ON: Paul and Jeremy.Why do you think they call it "acting?"
…sure, I’m a Lakers fan. A big one.
Syb quietly walks in and sits next to Jeremy. Nobody bats an eyelash.Really?
Paul is at a loss for words. ANGLE ON: Karla and Fine, who is making a face at the food she is chewing.You think they want me sitting courtside? Nicholson’d choke on his 20 dollar hot dog!
What…kind of meat did you say you used?
Karla shudders extravagantly.Meat? Oh, we don’t eat meat in this household. This is tofuloaf, not meatloaf. Why, just the thought of eating the flesh of another living creature…
Samuel looks like he’s about to cry. ANGLE ON: Syb, picking at his/her food, and Jeremy, who is trying to engage him/her in conversation, obviously smitten.Oh…
Syb nods knowingly. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT It is small and tasteful. Paul (in pyjamas, reading a Harlequin Romance) and Karla (in pyjamas and a heavy mud pack, reading a spreadsheet on a laptop computer) lie in separate beds with a night table between them.JEREMY So, what do you do?SYB Sell sex toys?JEREMY Besides that.SYB You really want to know?JEREMY Absolutely.SYB I like to sit in a hot tub full of raspberry jello, naked except for a nun’s wimple, reading War and Peace in a deep voice.JEREMY Performance art!
(delighted)SYB That’s right.
(trying to hide pleasure)JEREMY Does it have to be a deep voice?SYB That’s the art part.JEREMY You know, I’ve always dreamed of singing excerpts from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado in a semi-dark room while half a dozen midgets dance around me and gently smack me with sardines.
(confiding)SYB No shit?JEREMY No shit.SYB Why don’t you?JEREMY Too much of a departure from my work – my fans wouldn’t stand for it.
INT. S/M SECTION – DAY One or two shelves are empty. There are two large boxes on the floor, one open. Poppy pulls smaller boxes, containing rubber hoods which can be clearly seen through plastic windows, out of the open large box, slaps a price on the side of each one using a price gun, and puts it on a shelf. Samuel watches from across the aisle for a few seconds before getting up the courage to say something.KARLA What did you think of the boy?PAUL He seemed…polite.KARLA You mean, he listened to your bad jokes.PAUL Well, I think that’s an admirable quality.KARLA I don’t know…he seemed awfully quiet at dinner.PAUL He was nervous, Karl. Remember when I first met your parents? I drank too much and spent most of the evening aggressively quoting Masters and Johnson.KARLA My parents found it charming.PAUL Even the part where I quoted rates of orgasm in women over 50 when your mother asked me if I wanted more roast beef?KARLA They thought you were obsessed. But they find obsession charming.PAUL My point is, first meetings are always difficult. Let’s give the boy the benefit of the doubt and take some time to get to know him.KARLA Father knows best…
(shrugs)
They hate me.
Don’t be such a fucking Alda.
They didn’t say a word to me all night!
They did have important guests.
Samuel looks like he’s about to throw up, but stops himself at the last moment. Poppy doesn’t notice.They –
SAMUEL (CONTINUING) (gags)
I mean, I –
Yeah?
Samuel rushes off.Uhh, excuse…me…
(to herself, shaking her head)
Ned has heard this before – many times – but gamely tries to banter.PAUL So, Ned…anything good on?
Karla angrily bursts in, waving a piece of paper in her hand.NED I’m waiting for the new season, Mister Goodman.PAUL You don’t mind if I, uhh, pull up a chair and –NED You’ve submitted another advertising campaign, haven’t you?PAUL As a matter of fact –
Placing an arm on Karla’s shoulder, Paul gently moves her away from Ned and the video console.KARLA Paul, this will not do!
Paul and Karla look quizically at each other. They turn their attention to the screens. CLOSE-UP: one of the monitors. Ned’s finger taps it gently. Samuel is in the middle of the dildos aisle. A substantial amount of vomit stains the floor. Samuel heaves once… twice…and opens his mouth, allowing a stream of vomit to fly across the aisle and hit a display of pink vibrators.PAUL But, dear –KARLA Remember the last time you suggested this slogan?PAUL It worked for Disney…KARLA "Fun for the whole family?" This is the reason we can never show our faces on the eastern seaboard again!PAUL An overreaction, to be –NED Uhh, folks?KARLA What is it, Ned?NED Are dildos and vibrators washable?
INT. DEN – DAY Paul and Karla sit in chairs. Poppy and Samuel sit on the sofa, holding hands. Syb stands in a dark corner.KARLA Let me get this straight…
(voice over)
Karla rolls her eyes.KARLA You have…tipsy stomach?SAMUEL Yes, ma’am.KARLA There is actually a medical condition called tipsy stomach?SAMUEL That’s right.SYB Tipsy? Looked like his stomach threw itself forcibly at the floor.KARLA That’s not very constructive, Syb.PAUL So, uhh, when you are under a lot of stress, you, uhh…SAMUEL Projectile vomit? Fraid so, sir.KARLA Couldn’t you find a less…unsanitary way of coping with stress? I understand serial killers can be quite fastidious.PAUL And, you know, if you kill your victim in just the right way, the body will be kosher.
Samuel seems relieved.SAMUEL Is your family…Jewish?
(to Poppy, worried)POPPY As if we don’t have enough problems!
Samuel stands.KARLA Young man, why didn’t you tell us?SAMUEL Well, ma’am, admitting that your only religious affiliation is that you pray to the porcelain god – frequently – is not the best way to ingratiate yourself with the parents of the girl you care for. Read that in the pages of Teen Beat.KARLA That may be true of other families, but it certainly isn’t true of us.PAUL From now on, we expect nothing but the truth from you if you want to continue dating our Poppy…
(affectionate) Son.KARLA Syb, why don’t you clean up the mess in Aisle –SYB It’s Poppy’s boyfriend’s mess! Why do I have to clean it up?PAUL Now, Syb –SAMUEL No, she’s right, Mister and Misses Goodman.
Poppy stands up next to him.SAMUEL Cleaning up my own spilled bodily fluids is the least I can do to thank you for welcoming me so warmly into your family.
CLOSE-UP: video monitor of the aisle where the upchucking took place. On the floor is a bucket of soapy water. Samuel and Poppy, each with a mop in hand, are cleaning up. Their swabbing looks like an odd little dance.POPPY I’m going with him!
FADE TO BLACK: CLOSING CREDIT SEQUENCE INT. STAGE – NIGHT It is dimly lit. Jeremy stands in the middle of the stage, singing "Three Little Maids From School" from The Mikado. Half a dozen midgets dance around him and gently hit him with small fish. FADE TO BLACK: The end of The Love Box: Family ValuesKARLA I can’t remember the last time Poppy cleaned anything so…gleefully.
(voice over)PAUL Ah, young love…
(voice over)
