The Love Box: The Family Way

The Love Box

season one, episode two

The Family Way

written by Ira Nayman

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. VIDEO SECTION – DAY

SYB is looking over video boxes on a shelf while a customer, CHUCK (47, broad and beefy, grizzled), in casual dress, watches nearby.

SYB How about…Buttman on Mars?

Syb stands, box in hand.

CHUCK I don’t know…

Syb hands him the box, which he unenthusiastically looks over.

SYB It’s got some great zero gravity sequences – very athletic.
CHUCK
(shaking his head) Naaah – it’s really not for me.

He hands the box back to Syb.

CHUCK (CONTINUING) I mean, I’m looking for something different, not something…freaky.

Without looking, Syb puts the box perfectly back in place.

SYB Okay, how about…Quebec porno?
CHUCK I dunno. How is that different from French porn?
SYB When they talk, it sounds like they’re running food through a garburator.

Chuck looks askance.

SYB (CONTINUING)
(shrug) Some people think it’s a turn-on.
CHUCK What about English Canadian porn?
SYB No such thing.
CHUCK No? Why not?
SYB They’ve got David Cronenberg.
CHUCK Oh.
SYB If you like, I could get on the Internet and look for –
VOICE
(off, Scottish – think Connery) The Internet? Kids today don’t know how lucky they have it! In my day, if you wanted to masturbate, you had to go downtown and steal a dirty magazine from the back room of a bookstore! And if you got caught, it was the belt for sure, and back then, spanking wasn’t a fetish, it was punishment!

Syb and Chuck turn to face BILL (79, wizened, tufts of white hair on an otherwise bald head, stooped). He is wearing a raincoat – could he be a flasher? Syb grins happily.

SYB Grandpa!

S/he runs up to him and gives him a big, affectionate hug.

FADE TO BLACK:

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

PAUL sits at the head of the table. KARLA sits to his right. Bill sits to his left. POPPY sits next to Karla; SAMUEL sits next to Bill. The meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas have been served, and everybody is eating heartily. Bill leans over to talk confidentially to Samuel.

BILL You gonna do right by our Poppy, boy?
SAMUEL Sir?
BILL There’s an old tradition in the Goodman household. They impregnate one of ours, we impregnate 10 of theirs. That’s the family way.

Samuel turns green.

SAMUEL
(croaks) Excuse me…

Samuel rushes out, passing Syb, who enters, sits next to Poppy, and starts serving him/herself some food.

PAUL Ah, good. The family’s all here. Kids, your grandfather will be staying with us for –
BILL Have I told you the story of Bobbie Grogan?
KARLA, SYB AND POPPY
(emphatic) Yes!
PAUL Your grandmother broke her hip yester –
BILL Me and Bobbie were teenagers back in the forties.
PAUL She’ll have to be in hospital for at least two weeks, possib –
BILL Back then, there were no love dolls with inflatable bosoms and vibrating vaginas, so we had to find ways of making our own fun.
PAUL In the meantime, dad will have to stay with –
BILL The lord only knows what possessed him, but Bobbie found the tailpipes on one summer’s Cadillacs particularly inviting.

The family members groan in protest. Syb gets up and walks out of the room, passing Samuel, who returns to his seat and resumes eating.

PAUL He’ll be staying in the guest –
BILL To properly simulate the act, the tailpipe should be warm.
KARLA Grandpa Goodman, please.
BILL I can tell you, Bobbie went through a lot of gauze and ointment experimenting that summer!

Everybody looks a little green and stops eating except for Samuel, who digs in. Bill takes a forkful of food and munches heartily, until he realizes that the conversation has died out.

BILL (CONTINUING) The sixties? Feh! We were the true sexual pioneers!

INT. VIDEO COUNTER – DAY

Syb is sitting on a stool behind a help desk in the video section of the store. S/he is reading Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time. Poppy, wearing a t-shirt with a black and white line drawing (in Medieval style) of Visigoths raping and pillaging computer programmers in their cubicles and the inscription "Genghis Khan knew how to serf," walks up to the counter.

POPPY Hey.

Syb puts his/her book down on the counter, saving the page.

SYB Hey.
POPPY Do you know how many Hail Marys you have to say if you get caught fucking a Cadillac?
SYB Grandpa Goodman still at it?
POPPY He won’t shut up about it! And when he’s told everything he knows about the story, he starts telling it over again!
SYB
(thoughtful) You think he’s…alright?
POPPY Sure. He just likes shocking people.
SYB Poppy, he’s an accountant.
POPPY A retired accountant. Maybe shocking people is just his new hobby.
SYB
(unconvinced) Maybe…
(brighter) Hey, have you had your period yet?
POPPY Still waiting. Sorry.
SYB I don’t mean to rush you or anything –
POPPY Gee, thanks.
SYB Hey! I’m halfway through the West Wing.
POPPY
(admiring) Making a model of the White House out of used tampons – that’s sick!
SYB No. That’s art.
POPPY That’s what I mean –
CHUCK
(off) Ladies.
SYB Hey, Chu –

Syb and Poppy turn to find Chuck, in a policeman’s uniform, and ADRIAN (25, cute, especially when he’s trying to be tough, which he isn’t really suited for), also in uniform. After a couple of seconds of stunned silence, Syb unconvincingly pretends to cough.

POPPY
(hard) What can we do for you, officers?
ADRIAN We’ve had a complaint –
POPPY From who?

Adrian takes out his notebook and flips through the pages.

ADRIAN From a Mister…Hole. Ace Hole.

Poppy and Syb look at Chuck in disbelief. Adrian flips his notebook closed and puts his back in his pocket, so he does not notice Chuck shrug helplessly.

ADRIAN (CONTINUING) Mister Hole claims that you sell pornographic videos featuring actresses who are minors.
SYB You mean female actors.
ADRIAN I’m sorry?
SYB Actresses is a sexist and demeaning diminution of the word "actors." It’s better to use actor to describe artists of either gender and to modify it with either "male" or "female" when appropriate.

Adrian stares blankly at Syb for a moment.

ADRIAN I think we should keep sight of the main issue, here.
SYB
(shrugs) If you want to appear ignorant by not keeping up with proper language usage…
CHUCK
(unenthusiastic) Now, now. I’m sure that, with a little cooperation, we can quickly clear up this matter.
POPPY We can clear it up right now. We only carry pornography made by consenting adults.
ADRIAN We had a complaint –
POPPY What part of "consenting adults" didn’t you understand?
ADRIAN May I speak to the manager, please?

As one, Chuck, Poppy and Syb sigh.

INT. DEN – DAY

KARLA Lover?
PAUL Yes, dear?
KARLA We need to talk about your father.
PAUL There’s nothing to say.
KARLA He tried to get into my bed last night.
PAUL He thought you were his wife.
KARLA His wife is 76 years old! She looks like fucking Yoda!
PAUL It was an honest mistake.

Karla looks at him sternly. After a moment, Paul realizes his error.

PAUL (CONTINUING) I mean, for a man whose eyesight is failing.
KARLA My love, your father needs to be somewhere where he can be properly looked after.
PAUL You mean, a home? Karla, this is my father we’re talking about. The man who taught me how to say menage a tres.
KARLA Trois.
PAUL What?
KARLA It’s pronounced "trois."
PAUL
(pouts) You just don’t understand the power of father/son bonding.

Karla thinks about this for a moment.

KARLA
(gently) Listen, lover. You have to understand that this is not the man you knew when you were growing up.
PAUL You mean, it’s his evil twin?
KARLA
(sighs) You’ve been watching too much daytime television, Paul.
PAUL Sorry.

A new ANGLE reveals that Bill has been sitting there quietly the whole time.

BILL Course, cars back then were higher off the ground, not like today’s cars. That meant you could comfortably kneel and insert your –
PAUL We get the idea, dad.
BILL I’m just trying to tell my story.
PAUL We got the point, dad. Really.
BILL
(offended) Well! When did you become such a prude?

Paul’s jaw drops. SOUND: knock on the door.

PAUL Come in.

The door opens. Syb walks into the room, followed by Chuck.

PAUL (CONTINUING) Hey, Chu –

Adrian and Poppy follow. Paul looks blank for a moment as Adrian walks up to him. Chuck hangs back, standing by a wall next to Bill. Paul starts coughing unconvincingly.

ADRIAN Mister Goodman – are you okay?
PAUL Fine. What can I do for you, officer?
ADRIAN Well, sir, we’ve had a complaint…

ANGLE ON: Bill and Chuck.

BILL

When my friend’s father sold his ’41 Caddy after the War, it broke my friend’s heart.
CHUCK He must have really loved that car.
BILL More than you can possibly know.
CHUCK
(uneasy) Yeah, well, we grow up and move on.
BILL Of course. But you never completely get over your first love.

This does not make Chuck any less uneasy. ANGLE ON: Paul and the people around him.

PAUL I see. Poppy, help the officer do…whatever he feels he should do.
POPPY Dad!
PAUL Now, now. We’ve always had a friendly relationship with the local constabulary. We don’t want that to change, right?

Paul looks innocently at Chuck, who squirms embarrassedly.

FADE TO BLACK:

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. S/M SECTION – DAY

Paul and Bill stand in the aisle. Paul has a clipboard in hand. Bill takes a black rubber mask off a shelf.

BILL Plastic! Feh! In my day, we wore leather masks.
PAUL Dad –
BILL When you got all sweaty, it itched like hell, I can tell you.
PAUL Dad!

Bill puts the mask down on a shelf.

BILL Yes, uhh…

Bill searches his memory for a name, but isn’t able to come up with one.

BILL (CONTINUING) Err, son.
PAUL Are you…alright?
BILL Fit as fiddle. Want me to have another child to prove it?
PAUL I don’t think –
BILL I could do it. Say the word.
PAUL Dad, mom’s in the hospital – she’s in no condition to have children
BILL So? Was I talking about your mother?
(pause, smiles) Did I ever tell you the story of Bobbie Grogan?
PAUL You see? This is exactly what I’m talking about.
BILL
(irritated) What?
PAUL You’ve told me that story six times since you got here.
BILL
(defensive) So? Remember Rebecca Pfizer?
PAUL Yeah, but –
BILL You were just in high school. How many times did I have to listen to your story about getting rejected at the prom?
PAUL None! I always talked to mom about that stuff.
BILL You understand the principle, though, right?
(pause, mutters) Fine way to treat the man who taught you what a menage a tres was.

Paul sighs and puts a gentle hand on his father’s shoulder.

INT. CONTROL ROOM – DAY

CLOSE-UP of NED trying to keep his eyes firmly on the screens in front of him. They start to wander, though, and he even turns his head ever so slightly; you can tell that he really wants to watch what is going on behind him, but he doesn’t want to appear unprofessional. Behind him, Poppy and Adrian are watching a video. We can just make out writhing flesh on the screen in front of them. We can clearly, however, hear heavy breathing and moaning.

WOMAN
(on video) Bark.
MAN
(on video) What?
WOMAN Like a seal.
(moans) Bark.
MAN No!
(pause) I don’t –
WOMAN You do!
MAN I never –!
WOMAN You did it for her…
(moan) You can do it for me.
(pause) Bark, Sam.

Long pause.

MAN Arf!
(pause) Arf! Arf!

Woman screams in ecstasy.

POPPY
(over video) Can’t you just buy your porn videos like a normal person?
ADRIAN
(over video) You think I’m enjoying this?

Poppy gives him a sardonic look.

ADRIAN (CONTINUING) I’m just doing my job.
POPPY Look, our contract with our suppliers clearly states that we will not sell videos featuring minors engaged in sex acts. As soon as something like that is brought to our attention, we pull the tapes from the shelves and notify the authorities.
ADRIAN Do you check each title before you sell it?
POPPY Do you have any idea how many titles we have in stock?
ADRIAN Do you preview the tapes you sell?
POPPY Do you really think you can tell the difference between a 17 year-old actress and an 18 year-old actress just by looking at them?
ADRIAN Do you view tapes before you sell them?
POPPY
(dark) You must be a lot of fun at parties.
ADRIAN As a matter of fact –
POPPY
(to Ned) This is bullshit. Ned, you want to take over here?

Ned turns towards them a little too eagerly.

NED YES!
(collects himself) I mean, uhh, if you’re sure that’s what you, uhh, want me to do.

Poppy looks at him, now not sure that is what she wants.

INT. DEN – DAY

Paul sits in a recliner reading a Harry Potter book. Karla sits in a high-backed chair, knitting a more than half finished "Home Sweet Home" sampler. SOUND: phone rings. Paul puts down the book and picks up the receiver.

PAUL Hello?
CARAVAGGIO
(on phone) You goddam cocksucking motherfucker! I wish I could have seen the look on your motherfucking face when those cocksucking –
PAUL Please hold.

Puts a hand over the mouthpiece.

PAUL (CONTINUING) Honey?
KARLA
(looks up) Yes, dear?
PAUL It’s your friend.

Karla puts down her knitting. Paul hands her the phone. He then picks up the book and starts reading again.

KARLA Yes?
(listens) Mister Hole, we’ve been through this before –
(pause) As a matter of fact, I love a man in uniform…
(listens) Now, really, there’s no call for that kind of language…
(seductive) Unless you really enjoy using it.
(pause) Hello? Hello?

Karla hold the receiver out and looks at it.

KARLA (CONTINUING) Was it something I said?

INT. VIDEO COUNTER – NIGHT

Syb is sitting behind the computer, bored. S/he looks at his/her watch. Syb looks at the cash register. S/he looks at his/her watch again. S/he sighs.

CHUCK
(off) Hey, Syb.

Syb looks up to see Chuck in civilian dress.

SYB Hey, Chu-chu-chu-chu --!
CHUCK Thanks for covering for me. It’s just my partner – he wouldn’t understand.
SYB You ever tried talking to him?
CHUCK Of course not.
SYB Couples should always talk through their problems.
CHUCK You’ve met him. Do you really think – hey, wait just a second. We’re not like…that. We’re just…partners.
SYB Well, exactly.
CHUCK JOB partners.
SYB You’re in denial.

Chuck looks around her.

SYB (CONTINUING) What?
CHUCK I don’t see any degrees. Are you licensed to practice psychotherapy?
SYB
(smiles) Just a gifted amateur.
(pause) So, where is Mister Personality, anyway?
CHUCK Hey – cut him some slack. I’m sure he’ll calm down…in a few years.
SYB What’s his problem?
CHUCK Strict toilet-training would be my guess.
SYB Where’s your degree?
CHUCK
(smiling) Comes with the badge.
(pause) Anyway, you don’t have to worry about Adrian. I convinced him to stake out 12^th and Main for prostitutes.
SYB There are no prostitutes in that part of the city.
CHUCK With his training, it should only take him a couple of months to figure that out…
SYB Russia.
CHUCK That’s a little off our beat…
SYB Since the collapse of the Russian empire, some very interesting porno has been produced there. Different, but not freaky.
CHUCK Fruits of capitalism. Talk to me…

INT. DEN – NIGHT

Paul is smoking a pipe, enjoying a quiet moment. Karla is typing into her laptop. Long pause.

PAUL Pre-owned butt plugs.
KARLA
(not looking up) No.
PAUL It could be the beginning of a whole used accessory sideline.
KARLA No.
PAUL In times of economic uncertainty, people are always on the look-out for a bargain.
KARLA I said no.
PAUL Why not?

Karla looks over her laptop to give him a serious look.

KARLA Used butt plugs are…unclean.
(shudders) PAUL We could sterilize them first.
KARLA They’re plastic. They would melt.
PAUL We could use chemical solvents.
KARLA Lover?
PAUL
(hopeful) Yes?
KARLA You’re being demented.
PAUL Sorry.

They go back to what they were doing. Long pause.

PAUL (CONTINUING) How about previously owned vibrators?

Karla opens her mouth to speak, but before she can get a word out, Poppy enters.

SYB Have either of you seen Grandpa Goodman?

Paul and Karla look at each other. This could be trouble.

INT. CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

Ned is sitting in his chair. By the blue/grey glow of the TV monitors in front of him, he is reading a gardening magazine. Paul, Karla and Poppy walk into the room, concerned. Ned hurriedly puts the magazine into a drawer, like he is ashamed of being caught reading it.

NED
(flustered) Mister and Misses Goodman! Wha – what are you doing here?
PAUL My father is missing, and we were hoping…

Paul’s voice trails off. ANGLE ON: one of the video monitors. Bill is in the dildo section of the store. He is wearing nothing but a diaper. He is flamboyantly brandishing a dildo as if it were a sword. He has fashioned a crude sailor’s cap out of a vibrator box. He swordfights halfway up the aisle.

PAUL (CONTINUING)
(off) He goes into a home tomorrow.

FADE TO BLACK:

CLOSING CREDIT SEQUENCE

FADE IN:

INT. NURSING HOME – DAY

Bill and MITZI (72, blowsy, strong Brooklyn accent) sit in chairs against a wall. A bland landscape painting hangs on the wall behind them. MUSIC: soothing Guy Lombardo. Various people (nurses, orderlies, other elderly folk) walk in front of them.

BILL I ever tell you the story of Bobbie Grogan?
MITZI Yeah.
BILL With the tailpipe?
MITZI The tailpipe. Yeah. I heard all about the tailpipe.
BILL You know what he did when he grew up?
MITZI
(dour) If you should tell me, it would be the highlight of my day.
BILL He was chairman of a school board in Mississippi for 34 years.
MITZI Nothing surprises me any more.
BILL Makes you think, doesn’t it?
MITZI Tell you the true, I’d rather not.
(pause)
BILL You one of those people who thinks sex between old folks is disgusting?

Mitzi looks Bill over appraisingly.

MITZI
(suspicious) You remember how?
BILL The body remembers, baby. The body remembers.
(pause) Did I ever tell you the story of Bobbie Grogan?

Mitzi rolls her eyes.

FADE TO BLACK:

The End of The Love Box: "The Family Way"