The Simpsons:
"Eek! and Ye Shall Find..."
written by Ira Nayman
CUT TO: another card with two eyeballs and the title: "I only have eyes (and ears and arms and kidney and spleen) for you" SOUND: click. Image on TV screen changes to a still photograph of a whale putting a friendly fin around a Mobile Oil Tanker.SINGERS The Itchy and Scratchy show!
SOUND: Homer, Bart and Lisa groan. ANGLE ON: the family. HOMER, on the sofa, and LISA and BART, on the floor, glare at MARGE, who is holding the converter. While the set is on, everybody talks over it.PBS ANNOUNCER The following program has been made possible by a grant by the Mobile Oil Corporation. Mobile Oil -- you see? We really do do more than rape the environment for unconscionable amounts of profit!
On the television is a still photo of a slaughterhouse with the title: "The Story of Meat." The show is in black and white. MUSIC: peppy, 1950s science film tune. CUT TO: cows milling about in pens not much bigger than they are.BART Homer! Mom can't force us to watch the Pea-Brained Sissies Network! Make her stop!HOMER Marge!MARGE Now, everybody, I just thought that since this was the only time the family is together, we should do something intellectually stimulating...LISA But mom, without the emotional catharsis we get from Itchy and Scratchy, we could grow up to be maladjusted sociopaths!MARGE I'm sure you'll be able to get all the catharsis you need the 23 other times the show is syndicated this week.BART Homer -- do something!HOMER Now, Marge --MARGE You know, Homie, I think intelligence is such a sexy trait in a man...HOMER You're on your own, boy.BART Oh, man!
ANGLE ON: the family.MCCLURE ...first stop in the story of meat is in the breeding pens. They look about as comfortable as lying in a tanning booth -- forever! But don't worry, Mom. These babies are so pumped with antibiotics that one pound of Grade A, American Prime will keep a family of four from getting a cold for a month!
(upbeat)
On TV, the camera has moved to a long line of cows being herded single file down a ramp to where a man with a stained butcher's apron is holding a long metal tube with a trigger like a gun at the end.BART Hey, isn't that Troy McClure, star of such films as Dial M For Muttonhead and The Naughty Ninnies?MARGE Bart!LISA I thought Troy McClure only hosted awards ceremonies and appeared at benefits for people with obscure but heart rending life threatening diseases.MARGE Well...maybe this was early in his career. Now, hush.
A cow moves into place. The end of the tube is placed up against the side of his head.MCCLURE ...affectionately known as "The Killing Floor." Better watch your step, Mister Slaughterman -- that floor can get pretty slippery!
ANGLE ON: the family. SOUND: kathunk of metal hitting flesh, followed by the thud of a body hitting a cold, hard floor. Homer, Lisa and Bart start to laugh.MCCLURE (CONTINUING) Have you ever heard the expression "don't lose your head?" Well, that's pretty much what happens in our next step! But remember, kids, don't try this at home...
SOUND: kathunk, thud. Homer, Lisa and Bart are howling with laughter. Marge, watching them, begins to get angry.MCCLURE (CONTINUING) Let's see that again from another angle...
(off)
SOUND: kathunk, thud. Family laughter. Marge is becoming incensed.MCCLURE (CONTINUING) This time, pay particular attention to the angle at which the brain matter bounces off the wall...
(off)
SOUND: long, drawn out kathunk.MCCLURE (CONTINUING) You get a much better feel for the trajectories in super slow motion...
(off)
Marge turns off the television set. The others moan loudly.BART Hey, this is almost as good as Itchy and Scratchy!
Bart and Lisa reluctantly leave.MARGE Kids, go to your rooms. I want to talk with your father.BART Aww! Can't we stay to see the part where they talk about how many insect parts you can legally let drop in a pound of beef before it's packaged?MARGE Bart, go to your room this instant!
Long pause.BART American kids would have much better test scores if people only made the effort to make science that much fun!
(mutters)MARGE Homer, do you really think you should be encouraging the children's infantile preoccupation with violent imagery?
INT. MUSEUM - DAY An unbelievably large rotunda housing a complete T Rex skeleton with a couple of dozen smaller exhibits scattered around it. The roof is domed. ZOOM IN: on Lisa, Bart and Homer, at the base of the dinosaur, looking up in awe.HOMER This is one of those questions with no right answer, isn't it?
(tentative)MARGE That's right.HOMER Phew! At least I don't have to go to the trouble of thinking one up...MARGE Homer! You're a role model! As their father, the children look to you to learn how to behave.HOMER Is this about not trying to thaw frozen beer in the microwave?MARGE Not exactly...HOMER I still say that door wouldn't have blown out if it hadn't been defective!MARGE Homer, please! I think you should do something more...intellectually stimulating so the children will better learn to love knowledge.HOMER All the time?MARGE Once in a while?HOMER What did you have in mind?MARGE How about taking Lisa and Bart to the museum?HOMER Marge! I took Lisa to the museum two months ago!MARGE Actually, that was three years ago...HOMER So, what Lisa and I learned was true! Short term memory loss can be caused by...uhh... uhh...MARGE I really think it would be good for the children to see their father do something other than watch TV.
(pause, seductive) Homie, is your short term memory good enough to recall what I said about intelligent men...?
Lisa, confused, looks at Bart, who shrugs. INT. BUBBLE BLOWING EXHIBIT - DAY There are half a dozen small vats of soapy water on stands; each vat has a wire sticking out of the soapy solution.LISA ...dinosaur means "Thunder Lizard?"BART Really? I thought it meant hundred million grosses at the box office.LISA Did you know that some scientists now believe that after most of them died out, some dinosaurs evolved into birds?HOMER Now, Lisa...LISA No, dad. It's true.HOMER Next you'll be telling us that squirrels can fly and moose can save us from evil Russian spies who always wear black and talk funny.
Bart takes a simple wire frame out of the nearest vat and blows, twisting his lips in a variety of ways. A bubble version of a hula dancer emerges. Bart gently shakes the wire, making the dancer jiggle a bit. Then, it pops.LISA ...shape of the bubble depends on the surface tension of the wire frame.
(reads off plaque)BART Hey, Homer, check this out.
Homer takes out the wire and blows, but all he gets is a square bubble, which quickly bursts. Homer angrily tosses the wire back into the tank.HOMER Not bad...BART It's the lip action, man. It's all in the lips.HOMER Stand back and watch a pro...
INT. WALL OF CAVE PAINTINGS - DAYBART What can I say? It's a gift.HOMER You better say that this was educational when your mother asked how you liked the museum.
(mutters)
Homer is staring at just such a picture.LISA ...cave paintings are believed by many paleontologists to be a form of "sympathetic magic." They believe our ancestors drew paintings of animals with arrows in them to help them capture those animals later in the hunt.
Homer rushes off.HOMER Mmm...wild buffalo roasting over an open fire...
(voice over)
(aloud) Uhh...kids, I gotta go...do adult things. Meet me in the cafeteria when you've had enough intellectual stimulation...
INT. ENTRANCE TO HALL - DAY It is tall, without a door. Homer rushes towards the entrance. DYING MAN stumbles in from the opposite direction and falls into his arms.LISA Genetics is such an imperfect science...
(sighs)
Homer pushes Dying Man away. He stumbles back for a moment. As Homer rushes past him, Dying Man stumbles forward again into the arms of Cary Grant. Grant reflexively grabs hold of the knife sticking out of Dying Man's back, which we see for the first time.DYING MAN Uhh...I...I...uhh...
(breathing hard)HOMER Knock it off, buddy! I'll have you know I'm a happily married man!
A woman, seeing the bloody knife in his hand, screams. An uproar begins. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Homer sits at a table in front of a very large burger. He grabs it with both hands, one on either side, and starts to lift it off the plate when an ANGEL (Homer with a halo) appears over his left shoulder.GRANT Not again!
A small devil (Homer with horns) appears over Homer's other shoulder.ANGEL Homer Simpson, how could you possibly eat that after what you learned about cattle farming yesterday?HOMER I'm not listening to you...la di da di da...
The Angel and Devil confront one another in front of Homer's nose.DEVIL Attaway, Homer. It's not your fault if cows are raised under filthy...painful...mmm, pain...HOMER You're not helping...la di da...
The Devil sticks out two of his fingers and pokes the Angel in the eyes.ANGEL Don't confuse him with your lies!DEVIL Oh, yeah?
Devil waves his hand in front of Angel's face and, when it reaches his forehead, brings it down hard on his nose. Angel grabs his nose and yelps in pain.HOMER Hey! Don't do that!ANGEL Oh, wise guy, hunh? Rowf! Rowrrowf!DEVIL Why, I oughta...
Homer raises a hand and flicks the Devil away.HOMER I said cut it out!
SOUND: loud splooch from where the hamburger is. Homer's eyes slowly look down. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Homer wearily walks down the hall towards the bathroom, the Angel hovering over his shoulder.ANGEL Thank you, Homer. You won't regret that dec --
Homer reaches up and grabs the Angel between his thumb and forefinger.ANGEL You did the right thing --HOMER Shaddup.ANGEL You never would have forgiven yourself --HOMER Shaddup.ANGEL Consider it a blessing that you were saved fro --
Homer flicks the Angel away.HOMER What did I say?ANGEL Shut...up...?
(strangled)
INT. BATHROOM - DAY REPORTER, short, dressed in black, sits in a stall. SOUND: bathroom door opens and closes.HOMER Damn goodie two shoes!
Reporter's eyes widen. Through a crack in the door, he sees Homer appraising himself anxiously in the mirror. The front of Homer's shirt is drenched predominantly red (ketchup mixed with mustard, mayonnaise, etc.).HOMER Now look what I've done! Marge is gonna kill me!
(off)
Homer turns on the water and reaches for the last ball of soap in the tray. Reporter, hurriedly pulling up his pants, brushes against the toilet bowl, which squeaks.HOMER (CONTINUING) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Homer looks up. He knocks the soap ball out of the tray; it rolls into the stall the Reporter is trying to hide in.HOMER (CONTINUING) Hunh...?
Homer goes to the stall and reaches around for the soap. Reporter is standing on the toilet bowl rim. The soap is tantalizingly out of Homer's reach. Will he look in and see the Reporter? Lisa and Bart enter the bathroom.HOMER (CONTINUING) Oh, great! Now how am I going to get this bloody stain out of my shirt!
They notice Homer.LISA ...so, matter really only exists as a series of potential fields.BART So, my room is always potentially clean?LISA Well...
Homer stands up.BART Homer, what are you doing?HOMER Oh, uhh, Bart, Lisa. I --
They leave. Reporter rushes out of stall, rushes back in. SOUND: flush. Reporter rushes out of the bathroom, a big grin on his face. FADE TO BLACK: END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN: EXT. STREET - NIGHT A beam of light opens up from the sky and a skinny man awkwardly drops to the ground. SOUND: choir hitting a note. The man picks himself up as the beam of light retreats. The Simpsons' station wagon drives through the shot, knocking the man out of frame. He woozily walks back into the frame, and is immediately knocked out again by an ugly VW bug. EXT. KWIKI MART - NIGHT The VW bug is parked outside the Kwiki Mart. Reporter is talking on a phone outside the store.LISA Dad, what happened to your shirt?HOMER It's a long story. I was about to eat --
(sighs)BART Cool. Can I have one just like it?HOMER It's getting late. I think we better go...
SOUND: squeaky squawking from the telephone.REPORTER ...blood all over his shirt, there was some talk about killing and -- oh! Get this! -- there may even be a cannibalism angle!
(excited)
SOUND: squeaky squawking from the telephone.REPORTER (CONTINUING) That's just it, Chief! I followed him -- he's got a home and family in the suburbs. He's the all-American Suburban Serial Killer!
INT. EDITOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT EDITOR, a rotund, balding little man with a pencil moustache, stands in front of a large blackboard next to a messy desk. On the blackboard is an extremely complicated sketch linking a bunch of conspiracy theories with thin lines. In one corner, for instance, "Area 51" is linked to "Roswell" to "JFK assassination" to "bad Oliver Stone movies" to "Knights Templar," and so on. On the wall are framed tabloid newspaper covers: one has a headline which reads "Severed head saves tot's life," and is accompanied by a picture of a baby in a crib with a man's head; another has a headline "Toxic sludge good for you, experts say," with an accompanying photo of two girls in bikinis with oil facials. Editor draws a line on the chalkboard between "The X Files" and "The Rockford Files." SOUND: squeaky, squawking like on the phone, only a bit louder.REPORTER (CONTINUING) Uhh, Chief, are you working at the chalkboard again?
INT. MOE'S TAVERN - NIGHT Reporter is talking to Moe while Barney watches.EDITOR Oh, sorry. I guess I am. Sounds like a great story, Reporter. But do you have any proof?REPORTER Proof? Give me a break. Did Woodward and Bernstein wait for proof to break Watergate?EDITOR Actually, yeah, they did. Give me something I can work with, and I guarantee we'll plaster this monster all over the front page.REPORTER Okay, Chief. I can play it your way...
(sly)
Barney burps loudly. Moe and Reporter look at him.MOE Well, I wouldn't say Homer Simpson was a violent man, but he often used ta say he'd kill for a Duff Beer...BARNEY Yeah! I remember one time, Homer was sitting in that chair, just like you are now, only, no, wait, he had to go to the bathroom, so he couldn't have been sitting there --MOE I think what Barney is trying to say is that when Homer got back, somebody had drunk his beer, and he was so mad, he said if he ever found out who it was, he would kill him. Homer would kill the man who drunk his beer.
INSERT: newspaper, starting out small, and getting bigger as it approaches the screen. It stops, filling the screen. The screaming headline reads: "Di partying with the King;" it is next to a fake looking black and white photo of Lady Diana and Elvis having cake in what looks like the control room of a UFO. ZOOM IN on a bottom corner of the front page on which is the headline: "Local man threatens several with murder. See page 46 for details." INT. HALLWAY - DAY Reporter is talking to SELMA, who is talking to him through the crack the door of her apartment can be opened on its chain.BARNEY Uhh, yeah. Kill him.
INSERT: spinning newspaper. When it stops, the headline reads: "Whitewater lawyer admits being on grassy knoll!" The picture next to it is of Bill Clinton, but there's a large inset of John F. Kennedy. ZOOM IN on larger corner where, in bigger type, is the headline: "Relatives finger suspect in 15 slayings. See page 22 for details." INT. DOUGHNUT SHOP Reporter is sitting at a table talking to CHIEF WIGGAM.SELMA Homer Simpson? Oh, yeah. I can never think of Homer Simpson without thinking of broken limbs -- disemboweling, really -- blood spurting all over pristine white walls... eyeballs popping out of their sockets...REPORTER Uhh...thank you.
(queasy)SELMA Hey -- glad I could help.
INSERT: spinning newspaper. Headline: "Sunshine causes cancer, scientists claim." The picture next to it is of a couple of girls in lead bikinis. A second headline, growing in prominence, reads: "Local police can't cope with rash of 47 unsolved killings, robberies and assorted mayhem. See story, page 7." EXT. NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - DAY Homer walks through the gate on his way to work. Reporter, a PHOTOGRAPHER by his side, waits for him.WIGGAM Naah. There hasn't been a rash of unsolved murders in Springfield lately...REPORTER Oh...WIGGAM Besides, I've been busy rushing to the Kwiki Mart every fifteen minutes -- that Apu hits the panic button every time somebody asks if the Raspberry Twizzlers are fresh!REPORTER Ah!
Homer turns towards him.REPORTER Hey, Simpson, if you're a degenerate, low-life mass murdering scumbag --
(conversational)
(shouts) LOOK OVER HERE!
The Photographer takes a series of shots. INSERT: spinning newspaper. When it stops, we see the headline reads: "Simpson as good as confesses to 123 brutal murders." Next to it is a picture of Homer looking like a deer in headlights. INT. SIMPSON'S KITCHEN - DAY The family is gathered around the table, eating breakfast. Homer's head is buried in his arms on the table. After a couple of seconds, Marge, who has been washing the dishes, notices.HOMER What? Where?
EXT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - DAY Dozens of reporters are milling about on the front lawn.MARGE Homer, is something wrong?HOMER Could somebody please make those twirly newspapery things stop? They're making me sick!MARGE Oh, Homie...
(sympathetic)HOMER It's no use, Marge. I'm a vicious, mass murdering...bad guy! I killed 121 --BART 123.HOMER Whatever. I killed a lot of people, Marge. I'm gonna swing for sure!MARGE Don't be ridiculous, Homer. You didn't kill anybody!HOMER I didn't? But it's in all the papers -- it must be true!MARGE Oooh -- I never thought I'd be grateful the literacy rate in this country is dropping, but --LISA Come on, dad. You may be a lot of things, but you're not a degenerate lowlife who enjoys dismembering corpses and burying the pieces in plastic baggies in people's vegetable gardens.HOMER I'm not? Woohoo! That makes me practically an ideal father!
(brightening)MARGE Now, Homer, some members of the press abuse their positions of authority and destroy innocent people's lives in an insane bid for readers --HOMER Well...as long as it's for a good cause --MARGE But I know my Homie never killed anybody. So, go out there and do your best and don't let any journalists get to you!HOMER I will!
(enthusiastic)
FADE TO BLACK: END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE FADE IN: EXT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - DAY Dozens of reporters are milling about on the front lawn. Homer walks out the front door and into the bright camera lights.TV REPORTER So, where's the homocidal maniac?
Homer shades his eyes as the reporters rush him.HOMER The sun is really bright today...SECOND REPORTER Mister Simpson! Mister Simpson!
The reporters back off a little.HOMER Eek! No! I'm not Homer Simpson!
The reporters look at each other, confused. After a couple of seconds, Reporter tries to sneak away from the pack. A second later, they've all disappeared, a wisp of dust falling to the ground marking their passage. Homer, impressed with himself, saunters to the garage. INSERT: spinning newspaper. Homer's hand enters the frame and stops it from spinning. The headline reads: "Springfield Splatterer Moves to Moosejaw!" The picture next to it is, naturally, of old people lounging in Florida.FEMALE REPORTER You're not?HOMER Absoluletely not! Nope! Unh un!FEMALE REPORTER You look an awful lot like him...HOMER That's because I...I'm...his...twin! Yes! I'm not Homer Simpson --MARGE Homer, you forgot your lunch!
(from inside)HOMER I...I'm his twin...but...I'm also named Homer!SECOND REPORTER The same name, hunh?
(suspicious)HOMER My parents didn't have a lot of imagination?
(lame)FEMALE REPORTER If you're not the Homer we're looking for, where is he?HOMER Moosejaw!
(blurts)
EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY Bart is sitting at a picnic table having lunch. NELSON walks up to him.HOMER That's better.
(off)
Pause as Bart works out the implications. He turns to Nelson in supplication.NELSON Hey, Bart, what are you eating?BART Back off, Nelson. My dad's killed 123 people!NELSON Only 123?
INT. BURNS' OFFICE - DAY An artist with a stereotypical goatee and white smock is working on a clay bust of Mister Burns, who is posing in what he thinks is a heroic way.BART Don't hit the face, okay? Please, leave the face alone...
Smithers bursts in and drops a tabloid newspaper with Homer's picture prominent on the front page on Burns' desk.BURNS Will my chin be heroic?ARTIST Man, it'll be so heroic, man, it'll conquer cities.BURNS And, the fire in my eyes?ARTIST Blazin', man. I'm talking atomic!BURNS I was thinking more of a brimstone motif for my eyes, actually.ARTIST I'm hip to your wishes, man --
Without moving his head, Burns turns his eyes towards the newspaper.SMITHERS Sir! Have you seen this?
The Artist waves his hands all over the clay faster than the eye can follow. When he is done, it's a cubist's worst nightmare.BURNS He looks vaguely familiar -- was he recently on Hollywood Squares?SMITHERS It's Homer Simpson, sir. This vicious killer works at the plant.BURNS We can't have that! He must be fired! Stricken from our payroll like a plague washed away by a vaccine of some description!SMITHERS Uhh, actually, sir, according to the Contract, mass murder isn't a grounds for dismissal.BURNS It's not? Damn the union!SMITHERS Besides, sir, that's not how we dealt with Jeffery Dahmer when we found out about his little...indiscretions...BURNS Very well, then. Send the degenerate little mass murderer in...
Artist points to a part of the sculpture in the top corner.BURNS (CONTINUING) Whu...what is that?
(sputters)ARTIST It's art, man.BURNS What about my eyes?ARTIST They're represented by that corner in the left.
This finally seems to get through the Artist's cool veneer.ARTIST (CONTINUING) That one. Over there.BURNS You're fired! Smithers, get this overpaid clay hack out of my office at once!ARTIST Philistine!BURNS One of the original Mayflower Philistines. And proud of it!
INT. BURNS' OFFICE -- DAY (LATER) Homer rushes into the office, breathless. Pieces of shattered clay lay about Mister Burns' desk.ARTIST Bummer...
Homer looks at Burns, then at Smithers.HOMER Mister Burns! If this is about the hamster that got into the cooling duct --SMITHERS No, Mister Simpson, it's --HOMER Because, you know, only half of Springfield was blocked out, and it didn't even last 72 hours!BURNS Smithers, what is this cretinous buffoon inanely prattling on about?
Smithers and Burns look at each other and positively grin. INT. ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT - DAY CU of glass door with word "Accounting" on it in gold leaf. The door opens and we follow into the room as Homer enters. Half a dozen nondescript men in grey suits sit at plain desks. A couple are working at word processors, a couple are talking on the phone, one is busily working an abacus. One, RAMON GOODWATTY, walks over to Homer, who is not happy with what he is seeing.HOMER Is he talking about me?SMITHERS Mister Simpson, Mister Burns is concerned about your, uhh...BURNS Propensity for ostentatiously dismembering members of the energy-consuming public!SMITHERS It's the publicity, you see. It's not good for us.HOMER I see.
(pause) So, this isn't about the hamster?SMITHERS Hamsters...cooling ducts...hazard of the profession, wouldn't you say? Actually, we'd like to temporarily reassign you until this...uhh...
(fake chuckle)BURNS Unholy media fooferaw!SMITHERS This adverse publicity, uhh, blows over...HOMER Reassign? Me? Where?
Goodwatty pumps Homer's hand.GOODWATTY Mister Simpson? Ramon Goodwatty. Welcome to Accounting. We're all great admirers of your work!
INT. CHIEF WIGGAM'S CAR - NIGHT Wiggam is driving. FRANK PEMBLETON is sitting next to him.HOMER I've never done any accounting.GOODWATTY No, your other work. Jack over there was charged with 12 murders, but never convicted...JACK How ya doin'?GOODWATTY Fred was rumoured to be the Mississippi Mole Strangler, but they never pinned those 20 sewer murders on him...FRED Ta.GOODWATTY Yes, we're all overachievers here in Accounting. Still, nobody in the office approaches 123 homocides...HOMER Ooooh!GOODWATTY Now, I don't want to crowd you on your first day -- professional courtesy and all -- but do you know anything about double entry bookkeeping?
EXT. WIGGAM'S CAR - NIGHT As it drives down the road.PEMBLETON I appreciate your cooperation, Chief Wiggam. I'm here to see if there's any connection between your mass murderer and a series of unsolved slayings still on our books.WIGGAM Have you gotten to see any of our fair city?PEMBLETON Not really. This trip is strictly business for me.WIGGAM I see.
(pause) I guess Springfield isn't as exciting as... Baltimore!PEMBLETON I wouldn't know. As I said --WIGGAM I suppose the murders in Springfield aren't as interesting as those in...Baltimore!PEMBLETON I didn't say --WIGGAM Slurpees more...slurpier in...Baltimore!PEMBLETON Is this leading anywhere?
Pembleton sighs.WIGGAM Sunsets darker in...Baltimore?
INT. SIMPSON'S DEN - NIGHT Marge and Homer sit arm in arm on the sofa. Chief Wiggam and Pembleton stand.WIGGAM (CONTINUING) TV programs better in...Baltimore?
Wiggam moves off to the side. Pembleton paces as he speaks.WIGGAM Now, Mister and Misses Simpson, this is Detective Frank Pembleton of the... Baltimore police force. He's here to ask you a few questions.
Pembleton points dramatically at Homer.PEMBLETON Thanks, Chief. Over the past several months, a series of homicides have occurred in...my city. The victims had no features in common -- some were women, others men. Some were old, others were young. Nor did the crimes show any pattern. Some were committed during the day, others at night. A variety of weapons were used, and the bodies were distributed in seemingly random areas of the city. However, one factor remained constant in all of these killings: the killer removed the upper lip of each of his victims.HOMER Eww! Who would do such a thing?
DIFFERENT ANGLE: Pembleton points dramatically at Homer.PEMBLETON You did, Homer Simpson!
ANOTHER DIFFERENT ANGLE: Pembleton points dramatically at Homer.PEMBLETON (CONTINUING) You did, Homer Simpson!
Marge walks out of the room. Long pause.PEMBLETON (CONTINUING) Homer Simpson, you did!WIGGAM Say, how did you do that?PEMBLETON I'm the primary on the case. I got prerogatives.MARGE Detective Pembleton, with all due respect, that's crazy! Homer can barely tie his shoes without help!HOMER Can I help it if I can't remember when the right lace goes over the left lace?MARGE Oh, look, there's an easy way to settle this...
Marge returns with a huge Diary.WIGGAM So...uhh...meet a lot of women in Homicide?PEMBLETON No. Mister Simpson, do you know --
Pembleton produces his notepad and flips until he finds the right page.MARGE Okay, Detective, when did you say those murders took place?PEMBLETON Oh, well, let's just see...
Marge flips pages in the Diary.PEMBLETON (CONTINUING) Deedee Fenstruck was believed to have been killed on January 12, between the hours of five and seven pm.
Pembleton purses his lips and flips a couple more pages.MARGE January 12...January 12...ahh. Homer couldn't have committed that murder because he was having the All You Can Eat Pasta Bar at Mama Pizzicotti's.PEMBLETON Really?HOMER Mmm...linguini alfredo.MARGE Homer was bedridden with indigestion for a week.
Marge consults the Diary.PEMBLETON Hmm...if true, that would let him off of a couple of the killings. How about...February 2, from two to six in the evening?
Pembleton shakes his head and closes his notepad.MARGE That was All You Can Eat Fried Foods at Mike's House of Dough and Grease.HOMER I couldn't look at a doughnut for six months...WIGGAM Poor guy!PEMBLETON February 21? Five to nine-thirty?MARGE All You Can Eat Sushi Kabobs.PEMBLETON October 5? Six to midnight?MARGE Vegan Delight's All You Can Eat Kurds and Tofu Bar.PEMBLETON Kurds and tofu? For over six hours?HOMER Hey! I was just exercising my right as an American to gorge myself on cheap and inauthentic ethnic cuisine!
EXT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - DAY The next morning, the reporters are sleepily camped out in front of the Simpson's house. Marge, hair in curlers, opens the door and retrieves the morning paper from the porch.PEMBLETON Misses Simpson, I'll talk to the owners of the restaurants...MARGE Actually, they're all in receivership. But Homer's name does figure prominently in the bankruptcy papers.PEMBLETON Whatever. As long as I can get some corroboration for your story, your husband will be in the clear.
The reporters loudly inhale.MARGE Go away! Shoo! The detective from --
(shouting)
Just then, NED FLANDERS, his moustache in curlers, walks out of his front door. INSERT: spinning newspaper. The headline reads: "Satanic Ritual Murders -- they always happen in the best of families!" Next to it is a picture of Ned Flanders looking very Ned-like. Under the photo is a sub-head: "Everything not okely-dokely in Springfield." After a second, Homer's hand swats the newspaper out of frame.MARGE (CONTINUING) That other city has cleared my husband. He hasn't killed anybody!TV REPORTER Then whose life can we destroy with our overzealous attention?
FADE TO BLACK: The end of The Simpsons: "Eek! and Ye Shall Find"HOMER That tabloid journalism gives me a headache!
(over)
